FACE THE HEAVENS - GOD INTERVIEWS TRUMP

Oh, this is a big one.  I guess you could say this is as big as a 'get' gets. An exclusive, one on one, on the record interview between our chief political correspondent, God and Donald J. Trump President and Commander in Chief of the United States. 

It's a thunderous interview, that frankly you can't afford to miss. 

Transcript

FACE THE HEAVENS | GOD INTERVIEWS TRUMP

 SFX: Phone dialing

Voice:  Thank you for calling the Trump White House for English press one. For English press two.  For English press three. 

 Pi: Ok God, stand by, the president is on the line from the White House. Let’s just make him wait.  Just a little longer. 

And we’re rolling. 

Theme

Lisa: Canada curious?  Of course, you are. This is Yes, We Canada, the progressives guide to getting the fuck out. This episode is called Face the Heavens - God Interviews Trump.

 Theme out.

God: Today on the pod, an on the record, one on one, exclusive with the sitting president of the United States, Donald J. Trump and me God of the Universe, President Trump thank you for making the time. 

Trump: Thank you very much.

God.  I’ll cut to the chase, after you said this…

 Trump:  I don’t think anything is going to get me into heaven.  I think I maybe not be heaven bound. I’m not sure I’m going to make heaven. 

God: Well, I decided to do some due diligence on this question, will you, Donald J. Trump get into heaven?  So, let me see here, uh huh, oh, hmmmm

God:  uh, no,  not as such.

Trump:  Appreciate it, thank you.  

God: But I am the God of hope… there is always a chance you could turn this around – up here in heaven we call it “redemption”. So, today, I’m going to administer, “The 7 Deadly Sins” redemption test.  

Trump:  Is it hard?

God: It’s like a budget version of the Rorschach test.  You have the undying support of 

the evangelicals and the Christian nationalists. I am told, the seven deadly sins are the most profound beliefs and values of the MAGA movement …so, I expect you DJT to ace this test. 

 Trump:  I understand things, I comprehend very well, ok better than I think almost anybody. You are a magnificent man and it’s an honour to be with you. 

God: technically I’m not a man, but whatever…ok let’s try to stay focused…renting this studio is costing me a fortune.  

The way this works is – I read you a sin and then you tell me where you stand. 

 Trump:Ok.

God: Now, I couldn’t find the sins on the original stone tablets but I did find them on Wikipedia. 

Are…you …ready? 

Trump:  Right now, I think I’m sharper than I was 25 years ago, but who knows? 

God: Let’s do this. 

The first one is “pride” - sometimes I call it vanity, these days I think the kids call it rizz. Here goes: “An excessive belief in one's own abilities or self-importance, interfering with the individual's recognition of grace or dependence on God”. That’s me.

Trump: I know more about wind than you do. 

God.  Ok, that’s a fail. With all due respect, do you ever wonder, if by some slight chance, you are wrong?  

Trump:  No.

God: Do you ever reflect on what you might, not know? 

Trump: What a stupid question that is to be asking. 

God: You know, the leftover known, unknowns of the Bush era…Do you have any humility? 

Trump: I’d like to be pope. 

God:  Good luck with that.   You do realize that if you are the Pope, you don’t so much get to beep them by the pussy. Thank you Pi, good catch, I appreciate that. 

Ok, the next one is wrath or anger. Uncontrolled feelings of hatred, rage, and vengeance that are destructive and lash out in place of righteous justice. 

Where do you stand on wrath?

Trump: I hate my opponents, and I don’t want the best for them, I’m sorry. 

 God: From your lips to God’s ears, that’s me, my ears... you putz. You are making me wrathy. Next up!  Envy. Resentment of others' blessings, successes, or possessions, desiring them for oneself.  There are a lot of reports in the media who say you have developed an Obama envy complex. 

Trump: Fake news. 

God: Ok. But I can see how …it’s only human…he actually created Obama care, you haven’t been able to table a healthcare bill that can become law in ten years, he’s younger, speaks in intelligible phrases, looks great in a suit, his polls are bigger than yours and he won the Nobel Peace Prize. 

Trump: I can’t think of anybody in history who should get the Nobel prize more than me and I don’t want to be bragging but nobody else settled wars. Obama got the Nobel Prize he had no idea why , he still has no idea ….he walks around he says “I got the Nobel prize”, why did he get a Nobel prize he got it almost immediately upon obtaining office and he didn’t do anything and he was a bad  president. 

God: So, correct me if I’m wrong...now you have a Nobel, but you have not won a Nobel.

Trump: I look forward to celebrating with you at the White House 

God: Well, that’s not going to happen. Son, may I ask, are you ok?  Because you’re vibing a little, you know, up your own ass. 

Trump: Just under one year ago under the radical left democrats we were a dead country and now we’re the hottest country ion the world. 

God: Son, the people are hurting, folks want kitchen table solutions, you’re building a 400 million dollar ballroom, you’re giving the Village People Honours at the um, Kennedy Centre. Personally, I will wait for congressional sign off on the name change before I utter it here. Are you closing the Kennedy Centre because after the name changed to include your name none of the artists wanted to play there.  Is that right? 

Trump: No one has seen anything like it.  

God:  I am a God, not a psychologist but I think you suffer from what’s been called “reverse Midas touch”. Trump Air, Trump University, Trump Steaks, Trump Water, Trump Toilette Water, for my sakes…

Trump: It’s in my blood, I’m smart. Like really smart. 

 God: You bankrupted a casino!  How do you bankrupt a casino? 

Trump: you know it’s not the question that I mind it’s your attitude. You ask a highly respected man, questions that are insubordination. You could even ask that question nicely. 

God:  Well you are not the first person I’ve pissed off, but God love me… I might suggest that you rethink your usage of the word insubordination when you are talking about me. 

Trump: Thank you very much.

God: Ok I want to stay with envy for one more minute because there is the small matter of the airplane you were gifted from Quatar. You, see, I live in the sky, some people call me Sky Daddy, and because of that, I think a lot about airplanes:  ‘oh boy here comes a Delta Flight 109, I better get out of the way”, I gotta do a lot of dodging, bobbing and weaving - I’m like an NFL line backa up there  so I don’t understand why you would accept the gift of a $400 million dollar jet to replace Air Force one from the government of Qatar. 

Trump: I don’t think there will be anything like it in the world, actually. 

God: So, let me make sure I got this right, the Qatari plane has to be modified to be up to the safety standards of Air Force, the cost of that modification is anywhere from 500 mil to a billion dollars – it will be ready in late 2028 – the end of your term.

Trump: People are asking me to run for a third term, I don’t know I’ve never looked into it. 

God: Not if I have anything to do with it. And then, after being in the air for less than a year, the plane will be decommissioned at the cost of millions of dollars… and donated by the American people to your library?

This while you are cutting SNAP benefits…Snap Benefits!  food for the poor people and der children…um, I think we need a recalibration here.  Also, your library?

I didn’t know you were a big reader …. 

Ok. Next up greed! 

Ok, ok, ok let me see here… greed, oh, this is a good one.  Greed or avarice. An intense and insatiable desire for material wealth, possessions, or power.  Mr. President, does the shoe fit?

Trump: We are going to do something on Greenland whether they like it or not. 

God:  Please continue.

 Trump: What I’d like to see, Canada become our 51st state. 

God:  Again Sir, Canadians?  Canadians? You have a problem with Canadians? No one has problems with Canadians. 

Trump: I got every single question right. 

God:  Clearly not. Ok, moving on to one of my favorite sins …Sloth… according to Wiki : Not, merely laziness, but a deeper spiritual apathy or idleness, a refusal to pursue what is good and necessary, leading to a neglect of responsibilities. Do you suffer from sloth?

Trump: The answer’s no!  

God:   And now, the last sin, the seventh sin, Gluttony: Overindulgence in food, drink, or anything to excess, representing a lack of self-control. 

ICE is killing American citizens in the streets, you are locking up five year old’s, your own voters can’t afford their groceries, or their health insurance, there are wars in the middle east, in Ukraine, in Africa and one year into your term and you’ve spent 22% of your time at golf clubs, …  I can’t decide …is this gluttony, is this greed or is this sloth? Multiple choice!

Trump response: I want to be Pope. 

God: Oh, for my sakes, we’ve been through this already. Ok, Pi, tabulate the results please.

God: ouch not looking good. I’m by no means impartial here, but I think you stand a better chance of getting of standing ovation from democrats at your State of the Union speech than you do getting into heaven. Don’t get me wrong, you have done some wonderful things, for example: I approved of you giving the farmers a twelve billion dollar subsidy. But one must ask, if one is God… Thank you Pi, guy knows my brand very well …one must ask, why did the farmers need the American taxpayer to bail them out? Well, because the Commander in Chief Donald J. Trump imposed massive tariffs on China!.. and the Chinese… which are the biggest customer the American farmer has ever had, said: Gǔndàn

Which is fuck off in Mandarin…yes of course I speak Mandarin.  

Again, I will say, you have done some impressive things, by way of example I approved of your 1776 tax free bonus to the American military service members – but really, did you have to call it a “warrior” bonus and more importantly, where did you find the money to pay for your bonus?  Well, you found the money by cutting Medicare which many vets rely on when they don’t qualify for Veterans Administration services.  Which is why they call you MOTUS – moron of the United States on the Yes We Canada podcast, which you’re listening to right now, a very fine podcast, that everyone should subscribe to for three dollars a month, cancel anytime you want, just go to yes we canada.buzzsprout.com hit the support button. Thank god, that’s me.   

Ok, why don’t you give me one of those nice thunders Pi – a palette cleansing thunder. Very nice thank you. I am a little confused. 

Can you explain how you pardon the former president of Honduras, who was convicted by an American jury of trafficking 360 tons, tons of cocaine into the United States and then a few weeks later you storm Venezuela and kidnap the illegitimate president Nicky Maduro and claim he is a dangerous narco-terrorist…Can you tell me, how it is that you’re are calling for democracy in Iran and allowing ICE to shoot American mothers in the face in Minneapolis?  I’m God and even I can’t understand your logic. 

Trump:  And we’ll see what happens I can’t tell you what’s going to happen. 

God: You see my son, truth is essential for integrity, spiritual freedom, and divine approval, divine, that’s me.

 Look at Proverbs 12:22: "The Lord detests lying lips, but delights, delights, in people who are trustworthy". I delight…Are you trustworthy?

Trump: A friend of mine who’s really smart said you’ve gotta be the most honest guy in history. 

 God: Ok – a regular tourist visit a day of love…Now we’re going to roll, verbatim, a section of the official White House website that addresses for once and for all from the perspective of president Donald J. Trump the events of January 6th 2021.. 

Announcer: Despite relentless Deep State efforts to imprison, bankrupt, and assassinate him—all designed to sabotage his political comeback through fabricated indictments, invasive raids, and rigged show trials—President Trump emerges triumphant. Fueled by unbreakable resolve, the fierce loyalty of his courageous family, team, and Patriotic Americans, and God’s unmistakable grace, 

God: “not!” 

Announcer:   he delivers a landslide 2024 victory and reclaims the White House in the greatest comeback in American History.

 Trump: I aced… I got every question right. 

God: Frankly I question your honesty, I question your integrity, I question your intelligence. 

Trump: I’m smarter than anybody…We’re the hottest country in the world right now I think you’d admit that. America’s the hottest country in the world right now…. 

God:  Please Pi, make him stop. 

Pi: Got it. 

Pi: ah, God, they’re pulling him – the White House is demanding we wrap.

God: clearly these people have not yet read the Pledge of Allegiance where is says “One nation UNDER GOD”. Under God, that’s me, this makes me very wrathy… 

Trump: I wish you could explain to me what the hells going on. 

Mr. President, apparently your office is telling me to wrap. 

Trump: God is very proud of the job I’ve done. 

 God:  As you politicians say “let me be very clear “– I am not proud of you, in fact I am disgusted by you, I am ashamed of you.  

Ok, that was the President of the United States and right now, I want to bring in our panel.

 Pi: Um, forgive me God, I’m gonna need a sec to set up some mics and phones, I didn’t know we had a panel today. 

God: Pi, I’m God. I’m the panel.  

Theme

Lisa: This has been the Yes We Canada podcast. Our sound designer and senior engineer is Pi Salin Cutler, the theme was written by Doug Wilde and Matt Zimbel and performed by Manteca. Contributing writers on this episode were Lorraine Segato and Lyne Tremblay. God would like to thank Mel Brooks. My name is Lisa Evans and I’m your announcer. 

Please consider supporting our independent podcast Yes We Canada by subscribing for as little as three dollars a month.  Go to Yes We Canada dot Buzzsprout dot com and hit the support button, you can cancel any time.  

Thanks for listening… until next time!