STRAIGHTEN UP & FLY RIGHT!

The fashion police have gone Federal and they are not happy with what we are wearing on airplanes. Yeah, well, this citizen is not happy with what the government is wearing...you fascist fashionista's!

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Straighten Up and Fly Right

EPISODE 2, SEASON FIVE  

Captain: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Captain Cory Richards welcoming you aboard Flight zero five niner, nonstop service from Chicago to Miami. Skies are clear, and we’re currently cruising at 30,000 feet.

In compliance with the newly enacted FDD — Federal Department of Drip- under Transportation Secretary Sean P. Duffy, I’m required to inform the passenger seated in 13B — wearing what appears to be prison issued sandals, cargo pants, a Walmart branded fanny pack and a wife beater — your apparel is no longer airworthy.

By the power vested in me by the FDD, Title 13 -subsection 69, the passenger in 13B is now required to come to the front of the cabin for de-planing.  

Passenger:  Hey— hey now— what are you doin’?  Y’all can’t do this to me! I paid for this seat! I’m American! 

Captain: “Yes sir… I’m sorry, there is no apparel process.”

Passenger: This is unconstitutional! I got a connecting flight!

Captain: Thank you for your cooperation. Folks, cabin service will begin shortly, so sit back, relax…and… look sharp.

Theme 

Lisa: This is Yes We Canada, The Progressives guide to getting the fuck out. Fair and Unbalanced this is Season 5, Episode 2 - … This episode is called: Straighten Up and Fly Right.

MZ: Hey I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal. Oh dear, I think the American government is upset by our fashion choices. 

 SFX Transportation Secretary Clip 

And you know what, sometimes we’re upset by the government’s fashion choices. Do you remember the “The Three Amigo’s Summit” way back in March of 2006?  Probably not. It was a trilateral – God I do love using words like that on the pod. Makes us sound like we’re actually a legit member of the press pool. 

 Here’s the back story… the leaders of Mexico, Canada and the US gathered at the majestic Mayan pyramids the in Chichén Itzá. Canada was represented by a freshly elected Stephen Harper.  George W. Bush jr. was presidenting in the United States, and Vincente Fox was “el presidente du moment” of Mexico.  Who remembers what they actually accomplished… but you can guess the goals …’we need better security and freer trade” blah, blah, bla-dah  ”…they all got along great …there was no doubt a few “mi casa su casa’s” from Fox, a couple of “it’d be splendid to host you fellas in Ottawa, eh?”  from Harper and a solid “sombitch, y’all come back now, ya hear”, from Bush.  

 The family photo of the “three amigos” shows Fox looking very debonair in pressed white slacks, an elegant straw hat and a linen, guayabera… you know those short-sleeved button up jacket slash shirts with the 4 safari pockets on the front that Hispanic men love to sport.  Bush was turned out in his best “commander in chief casual” - a pair of tailored kakis and a white short-sleeve button up and Harper? God love him, was wearing baggy brown casual pants, a blue long sleeve work shirt and get this, a green kaki fishing vest. Prime Minister Harper, you nailed the trilateral fashion show…hook, line and sinker.  

 Canadians, not generally considered a fashion forward people, were deeply embarrassed. Their newly elected leader, Stephen Harper was a conservative economist by trade, and here he was at his first international event and instead of looking debonair, he looked positively deboner. 

 Canada, is a leading G7 nation, with award winning men’s clothing designers and bespoke tailors and our dashing leader shows up on the international stage… in a fishing vest?

So, when Harper gets back to Canada- someone in upper management at the PMO – that’s the Prime Minister’s Office for my American exceptionalists – says; this won’t do we need to get the boss a stylist and personal image consultant. 

Pssssst Stand by to cue the voter blowback… and voter blow back go. 

Voter 1:  “What the fuck … the Prime Minister’s paying a groomer?  You mean I’m paying a groomer!  With my hard-earned tax dollars!” 

Just an aside – I wonder if, in the history of all political writing about voter outrage has the phrase “my tax dollars”, ever appeared in a sentence by itself?  Without the modifier “my hard earned”…tax dollars. Hard earned? I thought you quiet quit your job 8 months ago.  

 Well, there was voter outrage and the PMO assured the populace that the PM’s groomer, Michelle Muntean, who also had a side hustle as a psychic, was being paid by the Conservative Party of Canada not Canada’s  “hard earning Canadian tax payers”. But that, was truthy. What they should have said was, “The PM’s stylist will be paid by the Conservative Party, after you enterprising journalists file your pesky Freedom of Information Act requests and find out that ooooops… she is actually being paid by the ‘hard earning Canadian taxpayers’.  Airfare and hotel all over the world?  Damn!  Good gig if you can get it. 

Now in the United States your president has a body man – I guess in the old days they were called Valets and you exceptionalists are cool with that – you want your head guy to look sharp - but damn our Conservative Prime Minster of Canada fostered an image of your “typical conservative economist next door” and he can’t put on his own damn clothes without burning through my hard-earned tax dollars? 

Freedom of Information Requests give me PTSD, so we’re gonna wrap this one up and say:  The Conservative party did eventually end up paying for Harper’s valet-groomer- body- woman whatever and we never saw the fishing vest again.

Do you know what mom jeans are?  Cuz I have no idea. I might have them on as I speak to you right now – wouldn’t know …which is weird because…Jeans are a particularly Canadian thing.  No doubt you’ve heard about the Canadian Tuxedo. 

 Well, if not, you will in a minute, as soon as we get clear of mom jeans.  Ok, so as you could hear from the clip, as presidents do, Obama threw out the ceremonial pitch at the season opening Washington Nationals game. He joked that it was one of the more stressful moments of his presidency. But hey progressives – you can cheer...his pitch was considered wobbly but it made it to the plate, landed in the catcher’s mitt and well, democracy was saved. The problem was…the Pitcher in Chief was wearing… mom jeans! 

 This was in 2009 and if you look at the clips today, you’ll realize that Barrack Hussien Obama was just, um, fashion forward– because now, 17 years later everyone is wearing high waisted wide jeans…which… might change… by the time this airs.

 Obama likes his jeans high-waisted, and he doesn’t want to see your pants sag – he doesn’t want to see your junk. My man is plumbers crack negative and has no use for your pubic pants… crackasserus!

 But this really got the wags in Washington yapping….

 MZ: wait, what, is that a, tan suit? 

 OMG the president’s wearing a tan suit. The leader of the free world is wearing a suit that is…is that beige? 

 Oh, that’s refreshing. No, not the suit… there’s a president at a podium speaking in clear concise, articulate, truth based, sentences, boy it’s been a while since we’ve seen that.

 Yes, I know, you can’t wait to find out what a Canadian Tuxedo is and where you can get one.  Quite simply it’s Denim on Denim…  It was invented in Vancouver in 1951 when Bing Crosby a famous singer and actor at the time was denied entry at a swanky hotel for wearing  a pair of jeans. This is shocking because I had no idea Vancouver had swanky hotels back in the 1950’s!  When the American blue jean company Levi’s got wind of Crosby being barred, they were deeply offended, outraged even and as y’all get when yer mad, they got proactive!  They commissioned a tailor to design a bespoke denim suit jacket for Bing.   And with all the American pluck and arrogance we’ve come to expect from our entrepreneurial exceptionalist neighbours to the south, Levi’s sewed a patch inside the jacket addressed to all, quote “hotel men” declaring that denim was a sartorial choice suitable for entry into any and all hotels, worldwide. 

Perhaps you’re thinking right now – when should I wear a Canadian Tuxedo in um, modern times.  Glad you asked. The next time Architectural Digest comes to shoot your stunning palatial 18 million-dollar home, the shoot stylist will recommend you wear a pair of blue jeans, a crisp white t-shirt and an unbuttoned denim work shirt – with bare feet… good! that screams “at home and relaxed”. Smile!  Say palatial!

 Ok my exceptionalists I know you and your short attention spans are busy and that’s good because a podcast on the fashion choices of Canadian Prime Ministers will assure a short episode, nonetheless we couldn’t avoid a quick glance at the Trudeaus, Pere, Fils and then some.   

Dad, Pierre Elliot Trudeau governed Canada from 1968 to 1979 and then again from 1980 until 1984.  

Oh, my home boy sounds like a pretty tough dude, huh? Well, you know what he used to wear, everyday –on his lapel?

Flag Pin Guy:   Oh, I don’t know… a flag pin? 

Nope, he wore a rose. On his lapel.  Everyday. How does that work exactly – does one rose last the whole day, – do you pick one up at the local bodega or depanneur on your way into work?  Does it come in a little miniature vase?  How does it stay on?  Does it give your lapels fungus?  Oh, what’s the best fungicide for peaked lapels? So many questions…Can you imagine if a politician showed up to a presser today wearing a rose on their lapel…

 Sombitch, stop cutting the god damn roses and start cutting my damn hard earned taxes. 

Then, in 2015, Pierre’s son Justin became prime minister by taking the Liberal party from third place to a majority government! Now, before he was Katy Perry’s boyfriend, he was a politician, and before he was a politician, he was a theatre teacher so of course he liked to dress up, and sometimes in Black face. But mostly, while prime minister he limited the “extreme costuming” to his foreign visits, where, like most visiting dignitaries, he would do a few events dressed in the local “ethnic wear for all occasions”.  

He went to India in 2018 and shunned the very popular sleeveless Nehru jacket, preferring instead, to go full Bollywood with a gold threaded Sherwani. 

Trudeau is tall, athletic and dashing in a well-tailored suit. You remember the expression, right? “Politics is show business for ugly people.”  Not this dude. In fact, you can imagine a film casting director rejecting Trudeau for the role of Prime Minister in a movie because, “politicians don’t usually look like models”.  But Justin did have one fashion tic that I do not endorse.  Silly socks. Socks that supposedly scream, “Corporate on the outside, rebel on the inside.” 

Well Justin Trudeau was a rebel with a cause and that cause was Tax Cuts for the Middle Class, 10 Dollar A Day Daycare all around, a greener energy and Legal weed! 

But when one looks at the Trudeau family cannon of fashion, perhaps the most notorious fashion crime was committed by a member of the family who was celebrated not for what she was wearing, but for what she wasn’t wearing.  

It’s 1979, Margaret Trudeau, mother of Justin, wife of Pierre Trudeau, the Prime Minister of Canada, is at the swanky New York City Disco Studio 54 hanging out with Mick and Keith and the boys. She is photographed signing an autograph, her skirt is short and gravity being what it is - reveals that the prime ministerial spouse is …going full commando! For our younger listeners, who should not even be listening to this segment, commando means - no under garments, panty less, bush and we ain’t talkin’ George W. 

You can find the photo on the internet. 

Really?  Right in the middle of the podcast?  Come on, you people are disgusting. 

We’ve spent most of this podcast talking about fashion crimes perpetuated by male politicians.  Refreshing huh?  Because usually, it’s women politicians who take the brunt of the 

Lisa: ‘OMG! what is she wearing?” 

The outrage is endless from both the public and the media.  Which is one reason why female politicians have embraced the ultimate no fuss uniform, “the pants suit”. But there is another reason, which I did not know until our research department told me; women politicians love the pant suit, because male press photographers have a perverted obsession with “upskirt”.

I’ll give you a second to process…the press holding pen is often below the height of the stage, the female politician is exposed while walking up a flight of stairs to a stage or an airplane, or relaxing in a swanky New York disco with the Rolling Stones – ok, we’re clear on upskirt now?  

The queen mother of the pants suit is Hillary Clinton. And it all started with an upskirt incident in Brazil. Of all places! It was 1995, she was first lady, and at an event one of the photographers accidently um, yeah, right, got an upskirt of Hillary, sold it to a Brazilian lingerie line called DuLoren who made into a billboard ad.  And that was the last time Hillary wore a skirt to a political event. Can we pause here for a moment and ask; if the photographer was a woman do you think she would have taken that shot? And if per chance she had taken it, you know, by accident, do you think she would have sold it to a lingerie company…I have my doubts. 

My absolute favorite dress for success moment recently, was the Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs Melanie Joly. On March 4, 2025 – only 10 months ago but it seems like decades, MOTUS, Donald J Trump had just announced tariffs on Canada and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was some pissed. 

Standing stoically behind our pissed PM is our now former Minister of Foreign Affairs Melanie Joly wearing … check this out …Knee high black boots, black leggings, a military green double breasted Pea Coat with brass buttons, a brass belt buckle and epaulets!  A kit that could only be called, “Trade war Chic for all occasions”.

Now, I know you guys were googling 

Margaret Trudeau Studio 54 commando - But you really should show some respect and Google 

 “Trudeau announces Tariff Retaliation Youtube” 

 Oh, yeah, here it is… Joly is the one on the left you can’t miss her – she’s the only blond in army fatigues. 

The Honorable Melanie Joly is now our Minister of Industry, so I expect you will see her at her next press conference in coveralls, safety glasses and a hard hat. 

Most of you already know about the infamous 2004 Superbowl Halftime performance in Houston of Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake. In the last bar of the tune Timberlake embraces Jackson and somehow manages to remove the right section of her bustier – a bustier is a French word – I think in the southern states you call ‘em “titty garages”. Well, after this event at the Superbowl, the phrase “wardrobe malfunction” entered the American lexicon and was even nominated for the prestigious word of the year award by the American Dialect Society. Sadly, it lost to “Red States, Blue States”.  Also, the Superbowl broadcaster, CBS was fined $550,000…US by the FCC which is substantially more than a table dance in Houston, Texas. 

Today we’re reporting on another wardrobe malfunction -this one took place in Washington DC and it involved a black woman as well, but it was not covered as enthusiastically as the Janet Jackson breast outplant. 

But it should have been. 

April 7, 2022 was a chilly, damp spring day in Washington DC.  But it was also a very historic day.  After 232 years the US senate finally confirmed a black woman to serve as a judge on the Supreme Court. Ketanji Jackson Brown would become the newest justice in what has to be the most toxic workplace in America these days, the Supreme Court. Every democratic senator confirmed her.  Three Republican senators, Lisa Murkowski of Alaska, Susan Collins from Maine and Mitt Romney from Mormon, Utah also signed on. 

But Lindsay Graham, ah, confirmed bachelor and senior senator from South Carolina arrived at the Senate chamber… not wearing his tie.   

Now, Senator Graham has only been a senator for 22 years, so it might have just slipped his mind that one cannot go on to the senate floor if one is not wearing one’s tie. Therefore, the confirmed bachelor and Senior Senator from South Carolina voted from the cloak room, because he could not um, come out, to his seat.  And how, you may ask, did the senator, a confirmed um, bachelor, also known as Lady G by a battalion of Washington DC Male Escorts, who has opposed every piece of LGBTQ legislation that has been tabled on the floor of the Senate in the past 23 years… well, how did Senator Graham vote for the first black woman to be confirmed to the Supreme court in history? 

Why he voted like every white southern gentleman hypocrite should.  Black woman Judge? Supreme Court? uh, that’d be a “no”. 

Tieless Lindsay? Maybe we should get you a clip on.  Or perhaps, a strap on. 

Kamala was firmly in the Pants Suit camp but she did have a twist – she’d often wear Chuck Taylor’s, Converse sneakers on the trail – which the fashion police found amusing. It has to beat pumps… but the Converse couldn’t convert an election and we got this:  

Yeah, that’s Ice Ice Barbie – Kristi Noem Secretary of Homeland Security and the chairwoman of cosplay in the Trump regime. The former puppy killer and governor of South Dakota, has yet to see a military uniform she doesn’t want to squeeze into before a press conference – the more insignia the better – “accessorize me… I am a secretary” – oh, that didn’t come out right but you know what I mean. “Soldier, you using that AR15? I need it for my presser.”  Yeah, Kristi is always turning up in full wardrobe, makeup and hair, at ICE raids in LA’s garment district, at notorious jails in El Salvador, and at ridiculous Homeland Security raids all over the world…

Part action figure, part suburban mom, she looks

ICE AGENT:  ICE open UP! 

Oh shit, look, I gotta go, thanks for listening…Pi?  Now would probably be a good time to roll the theme. 

Get your hands off me you son of bitch…you can’t do this I’m an American. And a podcaster!

Theme

On today’s pod, the roles of Captain Cory Richards, hard-working tax payer number one and flag pin fella was performed by Skye Irwin.  Lisa? 

 Credits