ON THE HOUSE

There's a housing crisis in Canada. 

Canada’s Official Residence, 24 Sussex Dr., the Prime Ministers Crib… has been condemned. 

Welcome to season five!

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ON THE HOUSE    SEASON 5 EPISODE 1 

Lisa:  Morning Pi!

Pi: well, look who’s back from mat leave! Lisa!  Great to see you again… MOM!

Pi: Can I get a mic check?

 Lisa: Sure. (singing) Trailer’s for Sale or Rent, Rooms, to let 50 cents.  

 Pi: Ok, that’s great… let’s do it – Slating: Yes we Canada Season 5 Episode 1 – Rolling!

 Lisa:  Canada Curious?  Of course, you are!  This is Yes, We Canada, The Progressive’s Guide to Getting the fuck out. Episode 58 …On The House. 

 Theme.

MZ:  Hey I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal and today we’re talking about the housing crisis in Canada. Canada’s Official Residence, 24 Sussex Drive…. The Prime Ministers Crib… has been condemned.  

The 35-room mansion on the Ottawa river, is a rat infested, moldy fire trap, packed with asbestos and it’s uninhabitable. 

Lisa: Oh, that sounds lovely… is there an ensuite?

The last prime minister to live there was conservative Stephen Harper and he left the building just as he left the country…gutted.  Well, that’s not fair. And this podcast is nothing if not Fair and Unbalanced. Harper just ruined the country, the residence was ruined by spineless bureaucrats who were paralyzed by their political masters every time they needed to make a decision about complicated matters of state, like fixing a furnace. Sexy! But here’s the thing…  that the official residence of our Prime Minister, the leader of Canada, a G7 nation of some note internationally, has been condemned… says a tremendous amount about the Canadian national psyche.

Let me break it down for you…my American exceptionalists…cuz you need to know this before you try to move here after Trump is electedish to his third term.

In Canada we try to keep money out of our politics. Oh sure, we have scum sucking self-interested lobbyists, just like you. But our supreme court didn’t tell them they were free to run the country like yours did with your Citizens United ruling when the US Supreme Court agreed that; “Corporations are People too”. So cute…

With the Citizens United decision, the American moneyed elite could spend as much as they wanted, to get whatever they wanted…sung: (legislation for sale or rent, laws to make 50 cents),

Yep…Democracy by ROI – return on investment. What could be more American than that?  God Bless America.

Lisa: Hold on just a darn sec here- you’re not two minutes into season 5 and I have no idea what you are talking about – how does a rotting, rat infested prime ministerial mansion built in 1866 by a lumber baron on the banks of the Ottawa River have anything… anything to do with the American Supreme Court Citizens United decision?  Jeez, I’ll be in the studio’s nursing station if you need me.

 Good point Lisa, thanks for pointing that out. Let me explain. Most of the time when our American exceptionalist presidents want to do something snazzy at, their official residence, say, 

Install a pool or…

Build a tennis court…or

Or create a movie theatre 

The American taxpayers are off the hook cuz private donors pay for it. 

Sometimes Presidents even pay for the renovations with their own scratch– 

The Obama’s paid to convert the Whitehouse tennis courts into a dual use facility by adding a basketball court. 

 And they paid for it with book royalties…which is rare that you hear about literature sponsoring sports…

The White House Pool was originally built with a donation drive by the March of Dimes charity to help Franklin Roosevelt’s with his polio therapy.  

Now, I think this makes sense – I mean the President of the Free World isn’t gonna to just pop down to the 12th street Y for a swim and a sauna.

MZ: Ok, maybe the current president would.

So, there’s long tradition of upgrades at the White House paid for by private fundraising donations. No biggie. What’s a 200 million dollar 

What’s a 350-Million-dollar ball

 What’s a 400-million-dollar ballroom with no parking, between friends…chill! 

 Donnie, just an aside, if I could say, you know Heritage Preservation boards, well you know they always have something to whine about but buddy, tearing down your wife’s office without a permit, in the people’s house, buddy – where is Melania going to work?

 Perhaps the most astute question asked on this podcast in the past five years.   

 In the late 1940’s the White House started sinking into the uh, “swampy” soil of Washington DC, and the US government gutted the joint. The entire interior was completely rebuilt and who paid for it?  The American taxpayer. In 1948 the cost was 5 million, they say it would cost 67.5 million to do that reno today.

 This was the most massive renovation of the Whitehouse since we Canadians burned it down in 1814.

 Lisa: But sir, we were not called Canadians back then, we were…the British! 

 MZ: Tally ho – and so we were…pyro-maniacal British people…Canadians would never burn down the White House …would we? 

After we torched the place in 1814, there was no other major reno until 1948. The resident president at the time was a former farmer and failed haberdasher from Missouri by the name of Harry Truman.  Truman, who is widely considered to be the most cash strapped POTUS ever to hold the office, was forced to move out of the White House.  They stored the president and his wife Bess across the street at Blair House, the presidential guest house, where the Truman’s lived for three years. 

During that renovation they even reno’d the Presidential Emergency Operations Center aka “da bunker”

 Deep, deep, deep under the North Lawn… there is a nuke safe command centre and housing for the first family in the event of the big big boom. I guess President Truman who gave the orders to drop the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki during the second world war knew a thing or two about going nuclear. 

Ok, let’s head back up north for a second. Canadian prime minister, Mark Carney is not living in the rat-infested officially condemned residence. Nope, the leader of our world class, G7 country, is couch surfing at the governor general’s crib.  Now we’ve talked on the pod before about the Governor General – you remember her? She represents the British Crown in Canada. She’s kinda like the assistant king. Our GG is Mary Simon, the first Indigenous Governor General. I went to her place for a ceremony and reception recently– it was lovely. 

Lisa: S’cuse me sir, did you just call Canada world class and then name drop the GG?

MZ: um, yeah.

 Lisa: Disgusting.

MZ: Oh kid, you want disgusting, check this…  

 Lisa: - Ok fair enough, Hey, while I’m here do you want me to do that thing where we humiliate ourselves by asking them for money?

MZ: By “them” you mean our loving and supportive audience?

Lisa: yep

MZ:   Go ahead… make it world class... 

Yes We Canada is an independent podcast that is fair and unbalanced. We depend on your support to fund our production and if you subscribe today, we won’t sent you a tote bag. Just go to Yes We Canada dot Buzzsprout dot com, hit the “support” button and for as little as three dollars a month you can support the show and not have another stupid tote bag cluttering up your lovely residence. You can cancel anytime and remember… we are the resistance you are our rocket fuel. Thank you so much for your support. 

MZ: Ok now, our prime minister, head of a world class G7 country, is living in a cottage on the grounds of the Governor General’s Estate. The Governor General is not elected, her role is, for the most, part ceremonial, and yet the elected leader of our “world class” country, our prime minister, is crashing at a tiny cottage on her grounds, I mean, is it just me or does it feel a little (British) provincial, a little subservient to the king, the crown, the Royals. Blimey me, don’t you find the symbolism is a little oh, I don’t know patronizing? 

How did this happen?

It’s a long story but because you are an exceptionalist and your time is very valuable,  I’ll tighten it. The actual prime minister’s residence, 24 Sussex Drive is known simply by its address, much like 10 Downing Street.  No comment. 

24 Sussex Drive was built by an American lumber baron in 1866 as gift to his third wife. Canada was then one year old. Originally the mansion was known as (Gorf-whys, fa) Gorffwysfa, which is Welsch for “can’t pronounce name of house”, actually “place of rest”.  The story of this American lumber Baron who later became a member of parliament is quite tragic; he lost three children to scarlet fever within five days of each other.  Then, a few years later, his wife died, they say of grief.  Eventually he remarried and on their honeymoon, he gave his new wife a tour of his lumber mill where her crinoline hoop dress got caught in the milling machinery and she was killed instantly.  Apparently after that, the lumber baron never visited his mill again and eventually went bankrupt, but miraculously hung on to 24 Sussex until 1901 when he sold it for $30,000 to the Edwards family. In 1943 the government of Canada decided they wanted the home, even though they were not sure what they would do with it.  After a three-year court battle, the Government of Canada expropriated it for a lot less than it was worth and Mr. Edwards died in the home before the government took possession. 

There are 35 rooms over four floors. It was a beautiful home in the Gothic Manor Revival Style, I say “was” because after the government took possession of the property in 1950, they did a major redesign and renovation – which took most of the home’s charm and moved it from the stunning façade… to a grimy dumpster. Oh, there is no accounting for the architectural sophistication of a government bureaucrat living in Ottawa in the1950’s ...the city that fun forgot.

 The first prime minister to live at 24 Sussex was our twelfth, Louis St. Laurent, who was elected as a Liberal in 1949. St. Laurent did not go to the house willingly. He felt the idea of a prime ministerial residence was too “grand”. We learn in this country never to get too big fer yer britches… St. Laurent insisted on paying rent …416.16 a month.

Here’s a fun fact that could be on your Canadian citizenship test when you move here and try to become a Canadian.  Cue the music. 

Which Prime Minister lived at 24 Sussex Drive before he was prime minister?  

Hmm trick question.  Hmmmm... was it?

The right answer is:  Prime Minister Justin Trudeau- grew up at 24 Sussex when his dad, Pierre Trudeau was PM in the 70’s & 80’s.  Ironically, Justin Trudeau never lived at 24 Sussex when he was actually prime minister because the home was condemned, as soon as Stephen Harper’s family moved out. 

Harper lost the election in 2015 to Trudeau and the landlords of 24 Sussex, ie: us, the voters, kicked him and his family out of house. Finally, the national problem of housing insecurity in Canada came home to roost for the Prime Minister. 

Of course, forgive my blatant prejudice, some might even fairly call it racism, but everyone knows that there is no worse tenant than the white family of a conservative former economist. I would never rent to those people. Never. 

But before Justin, Sophie and the kids can move in, the caretakers of the property, The National Capitol Commission (known locally as the Politburo on the Rideau) say they need the place empty to clean out the rat shit. Then, cleaning out the rat shit becomes cleaning out the rat shit, removing the asbestos, upgrading the security, rewiring, and before you know it it’s a 39 million dollar renoviction that needs to be approved by whom? 

The Prime Minister and his cabinet. 

Pi: au bien, tabernac, du caulis, 39 million, pour un reno?  il pet plus haut que le tru!

 MZ: um Pi would you mind translating that ever so quaint Quebecois expression into English for our American audience?

Pi:  Um yeah, ok…the PM doesn’t want the people to think that he um, “farts above his hole”. Il pet plus haut que le tru!

MZ. Lovely, thank you Pi …Yep, you are correct, there is no way a Canadian Prime Minister is going to tell his beloved tax paying citizens that he needs 39 mil to fix up his crib. 

Which makes the rats very happy.

hehehe, cool cool Butthead  landlord extended our lease, cool  another four years!  Cool cool he he he For free! Affordability!  He he he

MZ:  Well, MOTUS, moron of the United States, thanks to your delicious tariffs affordability is not a hoax in Canada and so there is no way in hells half acre the PM and his cabinet are going to approve a 39 million dollar reno of a Heritage Home full of a mischief of rats.  Full stop.   

And upgrading the security? Oh that’s a biggie. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are our version of your Secret Service, ‘cept they got horses.  

You know, Dudley Do-right?  Well, they insist the property is not safe, because there is no buffer zone. 

Those of you who have been listeners for a while may recall 200 episodes ago we talked about a jack knife welding intruder breaking into the prime minister’s residence in 1995 and getting all the way up to the PM’s bedroom during the Chretien years. The PM’s wife Ailene quickly locked the door, called the RCMP, while the PM swung into action, grabbed an Inuit sculpture of a loon and prepared to beat the intruder. And those of you who remember that Chretien once beat the crap out of a protester, unprovoked, when he was PM! – just sign, don’t fuck with Jean Chretien when the PM is po’d. Anywho Dudly Doright – the RCMP security detail, took 7 minutes to go from their guard house on the property, mere footsteps away from the residence, because, um, they find the keys. A buffer zone…hah!

The saddest thing about this story is you guys think I’m making it up. Google Chretien -Inuit Carving- find the keys and you’re good to go. 

So why is our Prime Minister homeless?  In Canada we like our wealth and privilege muted. Discreet. Canadians, struggling to pay their own mortgages or their rent would not be pleased with their hard-earned tax dollars going to fix up a white guys mansion. And so, nothing gets done.  A heritage home on the banks of the Rideau remains un renovated, uninhabited and unloved, because we are a modest people,  less concerned with status than our American exceptionalist cousins.   Which is why Canadian architecture is for the most part quiet, unassuming, some might even say dull.

We wouldn’t build a 1000 seat ballroom.  Research has proven that ballrooms are the leading cause of partying! Besides, every Canadian knows that the party should be in the kitchen! And, if we were going to build a ballroom, we wouldn’t tear down our heritage east wing containing our wife’s office.  Because in Canada we don’t have an east wing because our first lady, ever so modestly called the “Spouse”, doesn’t have a wing, an office or a staff for fuck sakes she doesn’t really even have a title.  She just has a shit ton of official events to host, without any staff or support because, well, just “who does she think she is”?

Ok we’re going to rehearse that last line together. Ready?  Ok,  grip, no clutch your pearls and whisper hiss –(accent matron)  ‘just who does she think she is?”  Use your head voice. Think haughty not hottie. Subtle I know. 

Before you immigrate here, you’re gonna need to practice this so you can blend in.  Remember this pro tip, gripping pearls and clutching pearls are not at all the same thing! 

Practice with a mirror …clutch, hiss and drop the line: just who does he think he is?” Good, very good.  This is what the matrons of Ottawa said on that bracing fall day in Oct. of 1957 when news arrived in the capital that the Nobel Peace prize had been awarded to the Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs and future Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson. 

Dude, you want self-effacing try this:

Oh god, I am so sorry, I’ve drifted from the housing crisis to world peace prizes…

MZ: Oh, shut up. 

So how do we fix the Prime Ministerial housing crisis?   Easy, we invest the actual decision-making power for caring for and renovating Heritage properties in the Nation’s Capital with the National Capital Commission and not the Government of the day.  That’s the first thing. Because we know from experience that bureaucrats are fearless!  You might have heard the joke that circulates freely in diplomatic circles; “why did the Canadian bureaucrat cross the road?  To get to the middle.

The second thing we do to pay for the mansion is we have a national fund-raising campaign–donations get tax credits.  We could have a national lottery!  We could open the grounds of 24 Sussex to game hunting, although, the RCMP might push back. We could put a Tim’s Horton drive through on the mansion’s driveway… 

There are so many things we could do to house our prime minister, we could give pearl clutching workshops...

Pi; Hey, sorry to interrupt, I got “breaking news”. 

MZ: Really? What.

Pi: This just came in from the folks in fact checking  …turns out …your premise of Canadian Prime Ministers not taking money from private donors to renovate their official residences is not actually true.  Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau accepted 275 thousand from unnamed private donors in 1975 to build a pool and sauna on the grounds of 24 Sussex drive. 

MZ: So, my premise for this whole episode is wrong? 

Pi: Ummmm, yep. (pause) What do you want me to do?

MZ: theme out.  

Theme + Credits