The Exit Interview w/ Joe Biden

Did you ever wonder how 82 year old Joe Biden and his  family and advisors thought he could actually execute the presidency of the United States, the second most demanding job in the world for another four years?  Well, so did God. 

If you want to holler at us: yeswecanadapodcast@gmail.com 

Transcript

THE EXIT INTERVIEW   Episode 54 Season 4

God:  Morning Pi.

Pi:  Morning God 

God:  Are we rolling?

Pi: Standing by.

God: Ok, buddy hit the theme.

God:  Ok, cue Lisa.

Pi:  Lisa’s on mat leave.

God: Oh, wonderful, what’d she have?

Pi:  A Baby.

Pi:  A beautiful little girl.

God. Mazel tov. Good for her, we need more girls.  How long is mat leave? Never mind  …cue the theme I’ll do the VO – you know I do have the voice of god.

God:  This is Yes We Canada The Progressive’s Guide to getting the Fuck Out. 

Episode 54… The Exit Interview.

I’m God in Montreal. Our guest today, former president of the United States Joe Biden.  President Biden welcome.  

Joe:  Thank you for having me. It’s great to be here, please God, call me Amtrak Joe.

God.  That’s product placement, which I do not do…I’ll call you Joe and you can call me…G…Pleasure to have you, we always have time for a former president here on the pod.

JB:  I’m just a kid from Scranton.

JB:  (Off mic)  Jill, can you get that, there’s someone at the door. 

God:  Not the doorbell Joe!   You are wrong and I think this might be the core of the problem… it has been a very long time since you’ve been a ‘kid from Scranton’.

JB: Not a joke….malarkey etc

G: Nothin’ wrong with getting old, we all do it…look at me…but there is something wrong with thinking that the presidency of the United States is a 10 to 4 gig… Monday through Friday. 

There is something wrong with this:

G: And this:

G: And this: 

Joe:  God, with respect, press conferences are hard.  Surely, you’ve stumbled on occasion at some of your press conferences…

G:  Mr. President, I don’t do press conferences, I don’t do pool spays, I don’t do press  gaggles…when I need to send a message or spin a policy, I do floods, fires and thunder.   I love thunder. 

G.  Thank you Pi.  Sometimes when I’m really pissed. I do a volcano 

Joe, look, I know you’ve been a good Catholic. I know you’ve gone to church …religiously…I appreciate the ticket sales, don’t get me wrong, but what on earth gave you the idea you were fit to president for another 4 years? 

Joe:  Trump is the biggest threat to democracy. I beat him once… I could do it again. …We’re the United States of America if we put our minds to it there’s nothing we can’t do…nothin’ the greatest country in the 

G:  Yeah, got it…I’m going to stop you there Joe, I’ve heard that spiel before…for 45 years now… it’s how you ended every. single. speech. Oy gevalt.

G: Joe let me put this out there…  I was proud of your work as president. Yours was perhaps the most humanist presidency in history …you worked hard for the working people, you cared, and you knew how to get stuff done, I was proud of what you accomplished, you followed my son’s teachings on caring for the disadvantaged beautifully …but I ask myself…what is it that I did when I created man…what did I do that makes man hold on to power at all costs…what did I get wrong when I created the male ego?

Joe: Male ego? Have you met Dr. Jill Biden

G:  Have we met? Joe, I made Jill Biden.

Joe: Me too.  No joke. 

G:  Joe, your wife is… a teacher …is that right?  I was getting teacher vibes…

Joe: Improv. Starts telling one of his long and very boring stories… ending with:  My father always said…

G.  Joe sorry to interrupt…but I’m your father… who thou art in heaven and I’m deeply trying to understand WHY your family and your advisors thought it was a good idea for you to stay in the 2nd most demanding gig on earth… for another four years? 

Joe:  ah, um, the second most demanding gig? 

God: Joe you think it’s easy being God? I don’t even have a Chief of Staff…

Joe: I thought the Pope was your chief of staff… Pope Bobby …’never thought I’d see that in my lifetime… one bad debate! – lots of my predecessors had one bad debate, Barrack, Ronnie, I mean come on God! … one bad debate! …talk about bad debates how about this:

Trump Debate Clip they’re eating the cats they’re eating the dogs of the people that live there.

Joe:  God, my staff told me the polls were good, my staff told me I won the nomination, which was nice of them…my staff told me I could win!

God.  Well Jake Tapper from CNN and Alex Thompson from Axios told me that your staff was sugar coating data so they could hold on to their high-powered Washington jobs. Joe, that is not how you save a democracy. 

Joe: God, all my life people counted me out. When I was a kid in Trenton 

God:  Scranton

Joe: Scranton…when I was a kid in Scranton with a stutter everyone teased me, told me I’d never amount to anything. When I wanted to run for president in 2016, Obama wouldn’t endorse me. When I ran in 2020, everyone said I had no chance of winning…and what did I do?  I won. Cuz I’m a fighter…  America is the greatest country in the world, there’s nothing we can’t do…nothing … if we just put our minds to it… What a bunch of malarky.  No kidding, not a joke. 

God:  Again, Joe I’d like to cycle back- to the male ego cuz I gotta figure out what is it in the male ego that makes smart me unwilling to relinquish power until their crapping in their pants?

Joe:  Have you seen Air Force One?

God:  Now you’re showing your age…Air Force One!  That jet is 35 years old!  Did you see the plane the Qataris gave Trump, now that’s an air plane. 747 dash 8 tricked out- that’s a pimped ride.  Oy gevalt.  Me, I don’t care about material things. I fly commercial. Well, I did until Southwest started charging for baggage.

Joe:  S’cuse me God, i know this is the exit interview, but I have a question for you, if you don’t mind. 

God: Actually, Joe it’s not an exit interview it’s more of an onboarding interview for your next position, but shoot…

Joe:  My question is this …Is this a prank call? Cuz you sound a lot like Bernie Saunders. 

SFX Buzzer “wrong” 

God: Wrong again… 

Joe:  hang on a sec someone’s at the door – I heard it. 

SFX:  Wrong buzzer repeat

God:  Bernie Saunders sounds a lot like God. 

Joe of course you know what James said in 4- 7 right? He said: “God (that’s me) opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble”. It was not humble of you to think you are the only one who could beat Trump.  It was pride…82 years old….the oldest-serving president in American history. When you started your campaign in 2019 you said you were going to be a “transitional president” – what exactly were you transitioning to… rigor mortis? 

Joe:  Laughs. Oh God, that’s funny. Joke! I read the bible all my life I had no idea you were so funny.

God: Not always so funny Joe…in fact and I’m really not happy to tell you this but you are presently on God’s shit list.

Joe: you know, when I heard Trump’s plans,  in, I think it was 22, when he said, you know, ‘dictator on day one, Roe v Wade is over, the birth right status for millions of immigrant families is over, cuts to Medicare, cuts to Obamacare, cuts to science , education and of course cuts to taxes for billionaires …you know, you hear these things and you think about all the progress we  made when I served in the senate and as vice president , then as president and it’s just human nature to want to protect the country I love so much.   Right now, as we speak, he’s got 2000 National Guard into Los Angeles trying to find a riot… Did you see the end of the bromance – it’s just all so unprofessional – the man is a fool…attacks on our friends …Canada the 51st state!  The way he spoke to Zelenski – I can barely contain myself. 

Look, Trump said he’s going to lock up my friends, my colleagues, my family …I have already lost so much family, I’ve barely got any family left to lose…and I think – I can’t stand by …I had to do something, I mean what was I gonna do? Quit?  Who quits at a time like this?  I did what I thought was best, I beat him once, I could do it again…don’t count a Biden out…America is the greatest country in the world, if we put our minds to it there’s nothing…we can’t…

God:  Joe, I’m gonna stop you there (I have heard this part before) I feel for you son, but I’ve got to get in a station ID and commercial break:

You’re listening to Yes We Canada the progressives guide to getting the beep out.  Go to yeswecanada slash buzzsprout dot com hit the subscribe and support button…for as little as 3 dollars a month you can support this wonderful pod and cancel whenever you want and don’t forget, I’m God and I just asked you to do something…I subscribe, you should too …tell them God sent you…ok back to the pod. 

God: Welcome back, I’m here with former president Joe Biden. 

Joe:  Thanks for having me. 

God: I just want to check something for you…Saint Peter sent me this this morning…he still uses faxes for god sakes, whoops I shouldn’t say that…

 ok lemme see here… Infidelity, Insider trading, Inceles, oh right, ok, here it is: Inferno:  let’s see, Donald J. Trump, JD Vance, Russel Vought, Steve Miller oh no surprise there, Elon Musk, Pam Bondi, Mike Johnson, Kristi Neom, Lindsay Graham, Ted Cruz, Robert Kennedy jr. oh, Little Marco, Peter Navarro, um…oh this is good Joe, you’re not on Inferno list– as we call it, up here…

Joe: my dad always said, when you get knocked down you get up, way up… 

God: Joe, I feel for you…it is possible that no other democratic could have won.  It is possible that this moment when your country is being run by a narcissist felon in a diaper and his crew of white racist nationalists was unavoidable … It just means I have a lot more work to do. Which does not please me because, you think you’re old…for fuck sakes, I’m ancient. Pi beep out the fuck will you, it’s not appropriate for God…

Joe, I’ll see you and Dr. Biden at Sunday mass. 

Joe:  Amen…God, we’re a nation of possibilities… of dreamers and doers, the United States of America is the greatest country on earth, if we put our minds to it there’s nothing, nothing,  we can’t do in these United States of America may God bless,

God: OK I’m blessing, I’m blessing already, shut up with the exceptionalism, it gets tiresome…

Joe:  May God bless these United States of America. 

God: Oy.

Theme:

God; Ok Lisa, mat leave’s over!