Still Not the 51st State!

For those of you who have been the Yes We Canada party faithful for the past five years, you may remember that we did an episode that was called "Not the 51st State, Y'all".  It streamed first on January 12, 2021 and explored the vast differences between the United States and The Canada. It was written and produced at a time when, unlike today, the people who ran the White House were not Non compos mentis.

In picking his cabinet Donald Trump made one commitment to himself.  "I will be the smartest person in the room".  Pretty low bar Donnie!

This episode has everything listener surveys have told us our audience wants, paunchy middle aged men wielding chainsaws, Wharton Business School "graduates" theorizing on global tariffs and as a special bonus the one time on public record that Ted Cruz told the truth...i's all here - snuggle up and dive in.

And thanks so much for listening and supporting this show - we are  micro media and your support means a lot.  We are satirical resistance workers, it is a deep pleasure for us to get the chance to speak to you.

And this week we have a late addition to the production with a guest appearance by the New York based band  "The Handsome Devil" , who underscore the MOTUS Hit Single Speeches of racism, ego, indifference and astonishing stupidity.  

Transcript

YES WE CANADA

Still Not the 51st State 

Airdate Sunday April 6, 2025 Transcript

Hello, welcome to the preamble of Yes, We Canada. This is where we ask you to subscribe which you can do for free or you can opt to pay.  We’d prefer you opt to pay, but hey that’s just us…We’re like that – we want to keep this podcast free, sponsor free and ad free but it’s not free to produce so we need your kind help.  You can have a paid subscription for as little as 3 dollars a month – go to yeswecanada.buzzsprout.com and hit support.  Your backing is deeply appreciated.  Ok, let’s Yes We Canada and chill. 

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Lisa:  Canada curious? This is the Yes, We Canada podcast, The Progressives Guide to getting the fuck out. 

Hey, I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal.  This is episode 51 – and this episode is called…Still Not The 51st State

The 51st state.  

The Great State of Canada.

Artificial border line.

Canada’s governor.

I’ve got lots of friends in Canada.

They’ve got lots of stuff we need.

They don’t make any stuff we need 

Donald, you want Canada? 

 There’s only one way you’re getting Canada. 

 Occupy.

 Now my Yes, We Canada people, you’ve probably heard a lot of the professional pundits say things like Republicans would never annex Canada… they don’t want lefty Canadians voting in an American election, that’ll mean the end of the Republican party!

 Trump is like.   “yep, I got no problem with that, we won’t be having elections any way”.  

That pretty much sums up his entire MOTUS operandi … he does some thing we fret, he’s like, oh that’s nothing, wait until you see this thing!   

Ok just to be clear here, now the law and order party is prepared to pay people to beat cops… to death.

 Did ya ever notice when you see a shrink on TV who specializes in toxic bosses… they always say stuff like; vell hes not in my direct care so it’s not a clinical analysis ya, but from ze distance I detect latent narcissistic, mythomaniacal tendencies ya…but zat is just hypothesis 

Nah, I can say for sure, Donald J. Trump is crazy, cracked, off his rocker, looney tunes, not the sharpest spoon in the set, crazy town, nuts, bonkers, criminally insane…

But God, don’t listen to me.  I’m a libtard. Please, let the man say it in his own words:

Good people on both sides, 

disinfect, 

The Kung Flu, 

Muslim ban, 

They’re eating the cats, they’re eating the dogs 

shit hole countries

Trust the word of Russia

DEI caused the wreck

Gaza resort

Women don’t have to worry.

Whose better looking?

Car sale on the lawn 

Ukraine started the war 

What?

Is.

Not.

Clear. 

To.

You?

He’s our crazy neighbor screaming over the fence. 

 Donny, You wanna piss off Canadians?  Really? You’re gonna poke the beaver?

 Careful we’ll shut your power off…

We’ll cut off your water.

 Thanks for thinking of us but we will not be willfully joining you anytime soon.

I do not trigger easily.  But when I hear the word ‘entitlements’ I get cranky. 

The word is “just”, I mean you work for something, you contribute…technically you are entitled to it.  But the way the American right hisses the word “entitlements” …with angry spittle on their thin lips and arrogant dismissiveness in what passes for their hearts …

So 51st state?  Just try taking Canadians ‘entitlements’ away and see how far you get.  Try to claw back our 12 dollar a day daycare – our universal health care, our generous child tax credit because crazy huh, we actually try to reduce child poverty… try to end the Canadian government approach towards it citizenry which is based on humanity and compassion not solely on commerce and more rewards for the 1 percent. 

Tough love Donny, tough love and you’re gonna be getting some of that shit soon at home in the next six weeks.  Congressional GOP leadership has been telling their members not to hold town halls in their districts because um, the natives are restless…well Donny I’d be, shall we say, ‘concerned’. I’d be very concerned. 

You made a mess of your real estate business, your airline was grounded, your casinos ran out of money, your casinos ran out of money! Your university certainly learned a lesson or two and Trump wine? 

What made you think you could effectively govern one of the biggest countries in the world?  Did you never wake up in the morning with the grey realization that you’re an imbecile?

Even your new friends think you’re a lying imbecile.  

Hit it Marco.

Your current secretary of State… 

JD you want to jump in here?

The dishonorable Mr. Cruz of Texas? 

51st state? …Donny you’re bringing us Canucks together… “elbows up” and up here in Canadastan we’ve never been closer…we stopped buying American.  We stopped visiting youse guys in the states – Donny weren’t you in the hotel business? 

We’ve just tucked into a national election campaign and it looks like we might be rejecting our conservatives who were leading in the polls because you and your Republican lackies show us every day just how conservatives think and let’s be frank you guys are pretty up your own asses. 

DT what’s the long game here? What’s your case to get the Canadian people to say, “yeah 51st state, that looks delicious!” 

Ok this 51st state stuff isn’t going very well, let’s go to the symphony. Shall we? 

Yep, that’s vice-president Vance and second lady Usha Vance arriving at their box at the Kennedy Center for a relaxing evening with the Symphony. 

My American exceptionalists…if this were a newspaper instead of a podcast, we’d be on the front page of the arts section…cuz your Moron of the United States has called for quote “The Golden Age in American Culture”, end quote.  It will be anything but. The arts in the United States are about to suffer the most devastating blow since the AIDS pandemic swept through the arts community in the 80’s.

During MOTUS’ first term he tried to abolish funding to the National Endowment of the Arts and the National Endowment of Humanities - about 310 million dollars. Congress told him to piss off and gave both organizations a tip – an extra three million more… But this time…the older, fatter and more addled by dementia, Trump has removed the heads of both organizations and imposed restrictions that specifies it is not permitted to fund any projects promoting diversity or “gender ideology.” 

Well, well, 463 poets and playwrights– were not going to take that!  So… they did what playwrights and poets do… they wrote a letter. 

Trump and his enablers may use doublespeak to claim that support for artists of colour amounts to "discrimination” and that funding the work of trans and women artists promotes “gender ideology” (whatever that is). But we know better: the arts are for and represent everybody. We can’t give that up. The NEA must not abandon these principles—or these artists. Artists are not in the business of promoting ideology. We are compelled to tell our truths, to create community around the stories that give life to those truths, and to make common cause with others while we share this time on earth.

 And the NEA wrote them back:

“Presidential executive orders have the full force and effect of law and within the executive branch must be implemented consistent with applicable law. The National Endowment for the Arts is a federal agency and will fully comply with the law.”

Follow the money, honey. 

Then MOTUS decided to fire the president and most of the board at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington and install his besties…including his favorite Log Cabin Republican and former Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell as acting president. But you know  these narcissist’s, they can never get enough of themselves – yup Trump then appointed himself as Chairman of the Board of the Kennedy Centre.  

SFX VOG announce Ladies and Gentleman please welcome To The Kennedy Centre’s Honours, contemporary composer and artist `of the year 

Macho Man The Village People 

The Village people.

Let the “golden age of American Culture” begin 

Ok so this arts stuff isn’t going very well, let’s check in with Elon.

Did you guys know that the leader of the broliorchy is also a Canadian Citizen?

So, when he finally puts down his chain saw and his team of 20 somethings “Muskrats” have utterly demolished the American civil service – Musk can relocate to Canada!

Well, not if Charlie Angus has anything to do with it.

Who is Charlie Angus you ask? – well he’s an MP- no, not military police, member of parliament – when you finally bust a move to our place… he’d be like your congressman – if you lived in Northern Ontario, which you wouldn’t want to do. 

Charlie is a member of the New Democratic Party, like, just imagine if there were 25 AOC’s sitting in your congress and you’d understand the New Democratic Party.  They were the founders of universal health care back in the 1940’s in Saskatchewan and eventually in the rest of Canada. Their leader, Tommy Douglas, is considered “the father of Canadian health care”. He’s also the maternal granddaddy of Keifer Sutherland, just a little context for our TMZ listeners.  In 2004 Tommy Douglas was voted the Greatest Canadian of all time on the CBC game show of the same name. Yep, he beat nine other MEN! – (of course, no women, not one!)  but we did have Wayne Gretsky, Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the flip phone and um, sports announcer and licensed homophobe Don Cherry. 

 Focus, focus… ok more about universal health care in a minute cuz I know our American listeners get a woody when they hear the words, “universal health care” and after they get a woody they click a  lot on the Yes We Canada website and sometimes they accidently hit the donate button…at  buzzsprout/yeswecanada.com/support where for as little as 3 dollars a month you can support our show to keep the political satire coming, commercial free.  

And yes, I know that was a commercial. 

Ok focus, so, MP Charlie Angus launches a petition to revoke Elon Musk’s Canadian citizenship.

 ·       Elon Musk has engaged in activities that go against the national interest of Canada;

·       Elon Musk has used his wealth and power to influence our elections; 

·       Elon Musk has now become a member of a foreign government that is attempting to erase Canadian sovereignty; and The attempts of Elon Musk to attack Canadian sovereignty must be addressed.

376994 folks have signed. Elon, you know up in Canada we love a paunchy middle-aged man wielding a chain saw…but dude if you lived in Canada, you’d have access to 12$ a day daycare and you wouldn’t have to bring your toddler named, um, X to all your press conferences. Now, folks, little X or as we call him here on the pod, the Musk Appendage –goes everywhere with daddy. And just so you know – that little musky fella is actually half Canadian because his momma is Clair Boucher…no? means nothing? Claire Boucher?   Born and raised in British Columbia, better known as singer songwriter and former Mrs. Musk …Grimes. 

 Can you imagine for a minute a woman senior advisor in Trump’s sphere bringing her three- year-old to press conferences with her? Pi, doesn’t the West Wing have a daycare? 

Pi: No, I checked, no daycare, but they do have a bunker, that can withstand a nuclear attack… and a peaceful George Floyd demonstration. 

 Wow, no daycare, that’s not very progressive.

 Don’t worry Elon, we can fix this – I know, we’ll do an event in the Rose Garden. 

 Come on down to Rose Garden Donnie’s Cars!  Test drive the new Tesler… vandalism resistant electric cars, this sale is electrifying – but you better move they’re selling fast!

Misuse of public office.

I attended a party the other day and was introduced to an elegant woman in her mid-fifties. Eventually, I asked her what she did for a living.  “I’m a judge”, she said matter of factly. 

Now, in the circles I travel in, I don’t often meet judges, so I thought I’d have a little fun; “Wow, a judge… I have a lawyer, a therapist, a doctor, an accountant, I don’t have a judge”.

“You can’t have a judge!” she barked at me.

Donald Trump thinks he can have an entire judiciary. But right now, judges are Donnie’s buzz kill. 

His Executive Orders, officially signed by sharpie, are now numbering 97

98. but they’re on the bench baby. …everything from minor inconsequential acts…like pulling the United States out of the World Health Organization to tackling urgent global issues like ending government procurement and forced use of …cardboard straws. 

 And the hits keep on coming…He declared the Alien Enemies Act, he revoked birthright citizenship and renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America, he ended USAID’s support of vaccination and HIV treatments all over the world. Oh yeah and he declared English the official language of the United States. Ça va être un gross problem pas que au Quebec on parle Français, alors quand les Americans nous attack in August and Canada becomes the 51st state, folks in Quebec are going to be en tabernac. 

So that isn’t going very well. 

Pi, bring in the judiciary please. 

Three co equal branches of government blah blah blah, you’ve heard this all before. But what you might not have heard is that in these early days of the MOTUS administration, moron of the United blah blah blah …. the judiciary is..

The judiciary is standing up. 

 98 Executive orders …

 131 lawsuits – Yep, the Trump administration is being sued 131

 Whoops 132 times…that is one busy judiciary. 

  “Judges aren’t allowed to control the executive’s legitimate power”. 

 Who said that?  Why that’s our favorite Yale educated Hillbilly vice president, JD Vance. Who is also a liar, I mean lawyer. But, hey he also said this:

Vintage Vance circa 2016, so guess in his eyes, full of mascara as they are,  Trump improved as a person! Because now JD is his VP and has to do daily cleans ups on aisle one.

Yep, Trump has so deeply “improved” as a person that he now says that judges who reject his administration’s actions, are “rogue judges, radical left lunatics, troublemakers and agitators”.

He wants judges who disagree with his administration to be impeached.  

Anything else your excellency?

Trump:We have bad judges, we have very bad judges.  

Ok, so this is not going well … let’s grab a pizza.

Domino’s Pizza!

 When a judge issues a decision the Trump administration doesn’t enjoy, the judges are anonymously sent pizzas… to their home address...the message is, “Judge, you may want to reconsider your recent decision because, ah, we know where you and your family live…”

And finally, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts, weighed in with a note that once again, explains the structure of the American state to the administration: 

“For more than two centuries, it has been established that impeachment is not an appropriate response to disagreement concerning a judicial decision. The normal appellate review process exists for that purpose."

 Case closed. 

 “Elections have consequences”.   You’ve heard this before, right?  Elections have consequences… send that phrase to the lab to be translated from politick to English… 

And what it means is this:  you won’t like this piece of legislation, you lost the election, go fuck yourself.  

The expression is so loaded with aggression and a heaping spoonful of nanny, nanny boo boo…that I automatically ascribed it to the Republicans, who, as we all know, are severely lacking in social graces. But in fact, it was President Obama who said it.

How rude. 

 And up here in Canadastan we’re about to have some consequences. 

 Yep, its election time in the north folks and in our next episode we’re going to talk about the Canadian Election.

Unless we get distracted by the shit show that is contemporary America.

I think that went well.

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MZ:  This has been Yes, We Canada, our Announcer is Lisa Evans, our sound designer and mix engineer is Pi Salin Cutler, our theme was written by Doug Wilde and myself and performed by Manteca. 

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 Thanks for listening …until next time.