Make Trade Not War

Trade war,  anyone? Get your rations and meet me in the trenches!

Transcript

Trade Love Not War 

Lisa: From the front lines of the North American trade war, this is Yes, We Canada, the Progressives Guide to Getting the fuck out. Episode 50, Make Trade Not War.

Theme

MZ:  This is Matt Zimbel reporting to you from an undisclosed location in Canada.

Our Canadian troops are currently surrounded by the American exceptionalist forces. We’ve taken heavy loses, but morale is high, our men and women are trying to avoid the incoming and right now, they’re on a poutine break.

Yeah, sidebar note to The American Secretary of Defense Pete Hagseth, our Canadian women serve on the front lines, powerfully, effectively and dude, as you like to say,” lethally”.

After the trade war started, in a burst of nationalistic pride, I tried to enlist, but the Canadian Armed Forces told me my math was not good enough to fight a trade war.  So, I am now your swashbuckling war time correspondent on the front lines.

Fifty years from now, when school children listen to this podcast as part of their Canadian history curriculum, they’ll want to know – how did this trade war between the Exceptionalist American Forces, and the Canadians True North Battalions start, what was the inciting incident? How did the longest undefended border in the world suddenly…and seemingly without provocation… explode into a trade war? 

Some say it all began with a kiss way back in 2019.  A kiss that took place at that international festival of bacchanalia – a meeting of the G7 in Baritz, France. 

Imagine this: you’re the leader of the free world… you spent the weekend with 6 other leaders of the world but you didn’t really understand much of what they were talking about – you’re in France – you miss your Big Macs, soft serve ice cream and Fox News and it’s time for what’s called the family picture.   Your super model wife is making googly eyes at the Canadian Prime minister who is tall, dashingly handsome and partially French.  You just want this stupid family picture session to end…you’ve got a load in your pants and can’t wait to get back on to Air Force One and go home …and then…she goes in for the kiss…

As the Yes We Canada war correspondent – it is not my beat to provide analysis of romantic entanglements at international summits between G7 nations –– it’s off my beat … but the Pulitzer prize winning “In Style” magazine has some deep analysis. 

Pi: Sorry Matt, fact check, “In Style” magazine has never won a Pulitzer Prize.

MZ: Sorry Pi, you run the sound design department, when did you start fact checking the show.  

Pi: When you fired the fact checking department?

MZ: right. I did do that.  When Trump got back in power the lies were coming so fast and furious we couldn’t keep up… the bills from fact checking were costing more than the entire show production budget. So, I took a leaf from the Chief Executive Scumbag of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg and fired the entire department. 

Trump:  You’re fired, get outta here!

MZ:  Ok enough navel gazing, here at YWC we’re in the middle of a war…so journalism takes a back seat to jingoism. Just like the New York Times did during the war in Iraq. 

Ok let’s get back to In Style Magazine’s award-winning coverage of the G7 meeting in 2019 in Baritz, France – for their report on what became known around the world as “The Kiss”. 

Their piece starts off innocently enough, it reads: 

Noted Twitter fanatic Donald Trump was probably not pleased when he opened the app this morning.

The hashtag Melania Loves Trudeau began trending on Monday morning after an image of First Lady Melania Trump greeting Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau with a double cheek kiss at the G7 summit began making the rounds. Melania, clad in a red sheath dress, appeared to be gazing lovingly at Trudeau (who's become something of a nerdy sex symbol in the realm of international politics), while clutching her husband's hand.

The gesture itself is innocent enough — anyone who's ever met a European has probably been subjected to this forced intimacy 

European forced intimacy? Oh my god the American exceptionalist prudist. Forced intimacy – let’s do a deep dive into the kiss and go to In Style’s chief kiss correspondent Patti Wood: 

Patti Wood: Look at Melania's position relative to Trump:  She’s hinged away from Donald. She’s the screen door and he’s the doorway, and she’s opened up; she’s not standing on the same plane, she’s hinged off and away from him. And you can see that by both her body position and the position of her arm. It’s also interesting that he has his arm dominant over hers. 

Now look at Melania's body position relative to Trudeau:  she’s less than 8 inches from Trudeau’s body. She’s out and close up, way inside the intimate zone of space, which is 12 to 14 inches. It’s unusual that she’s not separating out from him to do that kiss. Usually what happens in a double kiss greeting is that the woman would arch her pelvis and her chest slightly away. I call it the social arc, because if you’re going to do the kiss you arc the sexual parts of your body away. In a formal setting like this, that is what you would do."

"The most significant is the way she’s looking at Trudeau. Again, the other thing you usually do in this greeting is you aim, you kiss, but you shut your eyes, and her eyes are not shut. And if you look at his lashes, his eyes are not shut either.

MZ: Ok break it down for us sister. This is getting good…

Patti Woods: She’s looking with pleasure — It’s a delight to kiss you. I desire it. Her offering up, the way her neck is arched up, the way her mouth is placed up, the lips are partially pursed for the kiss, plus the look — there’s a reason that some people have made this into a romantic novel cover, because if that was just from the shoulders up, it would look romantic. The body language is that of a romantic kiss. This is something she’s doing purposefully."

"Melania's making a decision to do what we are seeing. She’s making a decision to do a seductive kiss while holding hands with her husband, and that choice is affecting her husband. We don’t know whether it’s motivated to make him do that, but we can say she’s choosing to do that while holding his hand in this very public setting. This choice in that moment is making him look down in petulance and anger.

MZ: Melania Trump kisses a PM dude in France and it cost me 500$ more to buy a fridge in Montreal – what the fuck?

Totally unrelated but have you ever noticed how small Donald Trump’s hands are.  I mean some say, that, well, I don’t know if it’s true, but apparently there’s a correlation between the size of a man’s hand and the size of his, oh never mind, that’s ridiculous, I have small hands and I’ve had to have two penis reductions. Which is a painful procedure. 

Ok, over sharing – more than you need to know about your humble war correspondent. 

Did you know that Melania Trump posed for a picture naked with another woman? 

I’ve seen the picture, a few times, well, maybe 50 times.  Shot by the French photographer Alé de Basse­ville – the shoot appeared in the French men’s magazine Max in 1996. The greatest thing about this picture is that it was a career accelerator. Not for Melania, not for the photographer but for the headline writer at the New York Post.  When the story broke that there were published nude pictures of the future first lady – an anonymous headline writer toiling at the Post dashed off the headline of a lifetime: “First Lady naked with a Second Lady”. 

A quick Google and you’ll see the first lady with a second lady and you’ll understand a why the Trump’s have such a close relationship with the Brazilian former President  Bolsanaro. 

Ok enough of that – get off youtube and back to Buzzsprout. You shouldn’t be looking at naked pictures of first ladies on youtube – that’s disgusting and I’m putting  the parental controls on for this show. Evangelicals excepted. 

Pi, stick some trade war like sound design in here, I think they’re getting bored.

Pi: ok, Trade War ambience in 3,2,1 go.

MZ: So, Melania kisses the PM in France, Trump gets pissy and 6 years later re-president Trump declares a trade war on their closest allies and trading partners Canada and Mexico.

Trudeau: The United States launched a Trade War against Canada …“Make that make sense”. 

Tench Hut. Sir!  Reporting for active duty. Now this is of course a very serious matter, the problem is we do not traffic in serious matters on this podcast we are more of a simple satirical fare, created for some intellectual respite from the madness of normal media.  We’re frightened because Yes We Canada is subject to tariffs…

Pi: Now would be an ideal time to ask them to hit subscribe and make a monthly contribution to support our work at Buzzsprout dot com slash Yes We Canada. 

MZ: It would Pi, but we don’t do that kind of tacky crap on this dignified podcast. But,  hell, 5 dollars a month would be amazing…we’re in a war here people. 

Where was I, oh yeah. You have to do something and I hope you don’t think it’s creepy…Look on youtube at the Trudeau press conference announcing the trade war.  To Trudeau’s right is Melanie Joly our Minister of Foreign Affairs which is like your Secretary of State on a budget. No trust me you gotta do this unless you’re driving , Minister Joly is wearing a taupe green army style double breasted belted jacket with brass buttons and epaulets. She looks like a world war one recruit who just got a brush and blow at the Salon.   Who knew that wartime Prime Ministerial press conferences came with wardrobe and hair departments?  Now I am sorry here because on this show we generally do not critique women politicians for their look but this, oh man it’s really a: “what should I wear to the revolution moment” if I ‘ve ever seen one. 

Shall we dip back into the presser with our outgoing wartime prime minister?

Trudeau:  “I want to speak directly to the American people…your government has chosen to do this to you.”

Ok my exceptionalist American friends, it’s time to join us here in Canada as the 11th province... I’m talking to you California! Universal Free health care, tighter gun control laws, we’re willing to take your money at par and big bonus …your life expectancy will be three to five years longer as a Canadian than as an American. 

Ok now the presser is going to get spicey…

Trudeau:  Now I want to speak directly to one specific American…

MZ:  Rack ‘em up here we go…Have you seen Trudeau box, you’d never think that a guy who wore such girly boy socks could pummel so hard – watch this…

Trudeau: Donald in the over 8 years we have worked together we have done big things…out after that has created record growth and jobs in both our countries. 

Now it’s not in my habit to agree with the Wall Street Journal they point out … dumb thing to do. 

And so the trade war began…President MOTUS, Moron of the United States, somehow thinks that tariffs are going to make America rich again. Donny do you know where the aluminum to make your treasured diet coke cans comes from?  Yep Canada. 

America needs a business man to run the White House. Pumpkin, y’all wanna grab me six bags a beer when you at the sto– yeah PBR. 

Sombitch.

Doug Ford:  “if the Trump administration follows through on any more tariffs…to ‘we will not hesitate to shut off their power as well. 

Who let the Doug out – that’s Doug Ford right wing Premier of our largest province Ontario.    Dougie was a huge Trump supporter, he was MOGA!  Make Ontario Great Again and he’s now in recovery and some pissed at the Magats …he almost sounds like a jilted lover: 

Doug Ford: I’m highly recommending to President Trump to we need to make sure America feels the pain. 

Ok now I have to tell you two things about Premier Doug Ford – his first job in high school was, wait for this:  drug dealer.  So, he totally knows customer service and he runs Ontario like he’s the assistant manager of customer service. 

Doug Ford:  every year the LCBO sells… to… as of today every single one of these products is off the shelves”. 

Now, I do not know if you have ever seen an Ontarian who was not under the influence of Bourbon but it is not pretty - these people are grumpy, angry and very frustrated because their beloved hockey team, The Maple Leaf’s have not won the Stanley Cup since 1967 …58 years ago. 

The other pertinent thing to know about Doug Ford is that his younger brother, the late Rob Ford – taught MOTUS, Moron of the United States, how to comport himself in public as an ignorant felon playing the role of a politician. 

In one of the most famous scrums in Canadian political history Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford, explained to the media that reports of him engaging in um, let’s just say a sex act with a member of his staff was not true because… well, (beat) oh god damn it, I know I’m supposed to be talking about a trade war, I know we covered this scrum in season 1 episode 4, I know I have no editorial focus or discipline but this  is too good – I cannot resist, I cannot resist: here it is… the most famous scrum in Canadian  history, the late brother of the current premier of Ontario, former Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford.  Forgive me here’s the scum scrum: 

Wheeeef  I’m glad that part of the podcast is over. Ok, All rise for the American Anthem.

My exceptionalist American friends – I was born in the US, I hold American and Canadian citizenship, I have my grade 9 certificate.  Canadians are polite people, they are courteous, they are considerate but if I could offer some advice?  Don’t piss off a Canadian.  The trade war just started and Canadians have already stopped buying American products and we’re your biggest customer in the world! Travel to the US by Canadians is down so much that the American travel industry is anticipating a 2 billion dollar loss for the rest of this year from what we call on the pod, ‘Snow Bird Drop off” which is quite different from Snow Bird Droppings. That imbecile you elected …is going to cause you a lot of pain. For what?  What is Trumps addled mind thinking no thinking is too big a word but why did Trump introduce tariffs and start a trade war? 

Trump wants manufacturing to come back to the United States. And I bet you if you walked through the aisles of the congress, both Democrat and Republican and asked: 

“hey who wants manufacturing to come back to the States y’all”, every single member of the house and the senate would say “I do I do! Bring it back”. 

So, if every lawmaker wants more manufacturing in the US why isn’t it coming back? What are the impediments?  This is what thoughtful policy wonks do… they ask questions…they do the research.  American manufacturing is overseas for four reasons…number one because Americans like cheap shit, number two because American companies are legally bound by the corporation’s act to put profits above all else including the social good. Number c because trade unions want to protect their workers from the greedy default of most companies, the unions encourage rigidity that blocks innovation.  And number d because health, safety and environmental regulations in the US and Canada have forced companies to be more responsible to their workers and their communities – which cost them more – which they hate… Pile all this up and it is cheaper to make cheap shit in what MOTUS diplomatically calls Shit Hole Countries. Because shit hole countries pay their non unionized workers like shit, dump their toxic waste everywhere and have lax regulations on health and safety. Americans cannot compete. And there are many who say that these days manufacturing isn’t like cool, man – factories don’t have free snacks and kegs in the breakroom with the x box…kids today want to be tech bros and tech sisses…and here again, not the same as tech sissies. 

You don’t need a doctorate in macro-economics from Trump University to see that repatriating American manufacturing to the shores of the United States would be a complex problem to solve, one that will take years of building, of training and tax reform…but slamming tariffs on everything produced outside of the United States is not the way to do it because tariffs creates tremendous pain for American consumers when everything gets more expensive. 

Trump:  “I’d like to see Canada become our 51st state…we give them military protection 

Trudeau: There is not a snowballs chance in hell…become the 51st state 

I guess my question here is that with climate change, could a snowball survive in hell?

Now our exceptionalist American listeners are going to need a briefing for this next section so my Canucks this is a good time to get a snack and make sure it’s a Canadian snack and please take note Canada Dry Ginger Ale is made in the States. 

25 years ago, a beer company in Canada created an ad called “I am Canadian”. Coincidently the name of the beer was “Canadian”.  In the ad, a young Canadian white guy in a flannel lumberjack jacket stands on stage and delivers a rousing nationalistic speech itemizing the wonderful things about being Canadian. Usually, Canadian patriotism is much more muted, but this was “rousing” and much beer was sold. 

When all this Trump 51st state…artificial border crap started the actor from the original campaign Jeff Douglas issued a new version produced by a quote ‘video collective’ end quote …which I think you might like to hear. 

Wow, eh?

Trudeau’s speech was inspired. I know this is a very unpopular opinion in Canada right now but I am a Trudeau supporter. He has been a great PM for the past 10 years, far to the left of where the Liberal Party of Canada usually governs. He has massively increased access to affordable daycare in our country, he has put more money into healthcare – he has looked after small business with tax reductions, he has unclogged our prisons by making pot legal, he has stood up for women and created vastly improved relations with the Indigenous people of this land. He handled COVID with dexterity and compassion, he has fought hard for Ukraine. He navigated Trump’s abusive and volatile behavior in the first Trump years. He has been a better steward of the environment than any other PM in history.  And …he has made mistakes. Just like every single one of us would do as PM. 

Canadians love to follow but hate to be led. Trudeau’s record will be acquitted in the years to come and I for one am sorry to see him exit. 

During my time in Canada, I’ve been ruled by 8 Prime Ministers, 

No as of today, nine  

Trudeau is by far the most progressive and the most accomplished…oh I know, I know I’m gonna get push

Pi: Sorry to interrupt… this just came across the wire …He just paused the tariffs until April 2.  

MZ:  Who just paused the tariffs?

Pi: Trump

MZ: Mais voyon donc, calis du tabernac du saint prim, moron of the United States Magot, king poopy pants…mais voyons donc - god I hate this narcissistic ego maniacal Cheeto…Ukraine started the war? Jan 6th was a love fest?  The Kung Flu?  Disinfect your insides? Tariffs will make America rich? “I will protect our women?” –Muslim ban, …no more immigrants from shit hole countries… 8 million dollars for transgender mice, no you idiot they’re are transgenic mice, the man is an imbecile, a moron, an idiot a complete and utter 

Pi: Are you done? 

MZ: Yep.

Pi: Well, what do we do now?

MZ: Publish

Theme 

If you enjoyed this episode, you’ll probably enjoy Season One Episode four Who Opened for Motus.  Lisa Evans is our announcer, Pi Salin Cutler is our sound designer and mix engineer.  The theme to Yes, We Canada was written by Doug Wilde and myself and performed by Manteca. This podcast is an independent podcast and a card carrying member of the resistance.  Please consider supporting our work with a monthly donation at buzzsprout.com slash Yes, We Canada… slam that like and subscribe button and we promise to make you laugh as we speak truth to power.

Thanks for listening to episode 50. Until next time!