AMERICAN CARNAGE

Elections have consequences! School nurses will no longer be allowed to perform gender reassignment surgery at school! Dogs and cats in Springfield can sleep at night knowing that Kristi Noem will be looking after  their Homeland security. Elon Musk will do to the government bureaucracy what he did to Twitter.  

Yep, it's time to move to Canada.

This is the final episode of season three.  Enjoy?

Transcript

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YES WE CANADA - AMERICAN CARNAGE

Lisa:  This is the Yes We Canada Podcast – This episode?  

MZ:   American Carnage 

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Hey, I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal. Last week just before the election, we left you here…

Well, fuck, that didn’t go quite as planned.  

On election night in 2008 I was in LA at an election watch party with a bunch of people who had worked on the Obama campaign in California. 

The room exploded into screams and tears and shouts of the greatest joy I have ever seen among people who were still clothed. 

A few minutes after the networks declared Obama the winner – Blackberry’s around the room started vibrating. Texts from Obama lite up the party:

“I’m in the car on my way to Grant Park and I wanted to thank you for your amazing work on the campaign because of you, “Yes we did!”.  Now, for our younger listeners, a Blackberry was an electronic communications device created in Canada that for a while dominated the global mobile market, it had an actual keyboard to type in. Shit.

To type on.  

And the phrase, Yes We Did, is a past tense word play on Obama’s campaign slogan, Yes We Can. Which also inspired the title for the hit podcast Yes, We Canada.   

The morning after Obama was elected, I saw a black man in a sharp suit with a briefcase walking down La Brea blvd. and I thought… “that guys life… just got better”.  Now, I have no idea who he was, he might have been the CEO of a Fortune 500 company for all I know – but with the leader of the free world now Black, that man in LA had a little branding back up. 

Right now, I’m thinking about the hit Black women in the United States just took and we’re going to circle back to that in a second. Before we do I want to go back to the fall of 2008 because Obama’s election was momentous. Not because he was the most progressive president of out times, because he wasn’t, Joe Biden was.  But because Obama was not the establishment candidate – which is why some lost souls will proudly tell you “I voted for Obama and then I voted for Trump”.  God love ya. 

But for a sec permit me to set the stage – it’s September of 2008 the final days of the campaign for president the United States. The US has been plunged into an economic crisis, so bad, so earth shatteringly stark, that the fifth largest investment bank in the US, Lehman Brothers went bust, with a debt of 768 billion dollars, and this was no start up bank they had been operating for 158 years. Broke. Insolvent. Ruined. 

The Bush White House asked the candidates to pause their campaigns and drop by the people’s house for a little bipartisan diasterbating session. Ladies and gentlemen, as always, our Republicans deliver; and this time they delivered the fiscal collapse of the American banking system with a side order of a war in Afghanistan and another war in Iraq without just cause whatsofucking ever. 

After Obama was elected the headline on the satirical magazine The Onion read: “Yet Again, Black Man Gets Worst Job in America”.

But I can’t leave you hanging.  I know you’re concerned, “were the bankers ok?”  Yep, the government judged the banks “ too big to fail” – and the executives were judged  “to rich to understand how food stamps work”. 

On Nov. 5, 2024 Donald Trump was re-elected to the presidency of the United States.  He beat Vice President Kamala Harris who, according to Trump, is an Indian woman who turned black. 

Black women in America are some hurtin’ right now.  Harris rolled what I think was a tremendously inspired, gaff free campaign, that ran for 107 days, she raised a billion dollars and yet, as Americans embraced their favorite spray tanned, reality tv star turned convicted felon, she did not improve or even hold Joe Bidens 2020 numbers in the 4600 counties in America. But she did get 45% of women voters and 85% of black women voters. In some states where measures to protect access to abortion were approved…Harris lost!  The New York Times quoted a voter in Maine who put it this way: “The sisterhood did not stand up.”  

Childless cat ladies unite!  

In the days before the election Mr. Trump vowed to be quote: “a protector of women, whether the women like it or not.” End quote. 

After Shirly Chisolm, Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris…it seems for the job of President of the United States… women need not apply. 

Right now, the blame game is in full throw.  “Biden should have gotten out earlier, there should have been a primary, the media was sane washing Trump who was fellating microphones at his half empty rallies, Harris should have had stronger policy statements, Walz should have stopped being such a knucklehead doughy dad, Harris should have put her gender and ethnic roots up front…yada yada ya-da. 

Harris’s assent to the role of presidential candidate after Biden’s um, removal, follows a very modern trend in corporate leadership.  The men fuck it all up and in a stroke of progressive thinking, the board decides to, finally, install a woman as CEO. (And, of course pay her less than a man)

And then she has to dig the team out of the muck and mire of disaster. Usually, she fails because the infrastructure is not there to support her success. So, the Harris loss is tough for women, particularly for black women.  

To see Republican racism and misogyny so completely unmasked, to hear the true stories of women bleeding out and dying in hospital parking lots because they no longer have access to maternal health care is not American, it’s dystopian.

Sorry sister we are. Trump won the popular vote, the electoral college, the senate, the house and it seems the politburo…We are going back.  Way back.  

Post-election Republicans have been meming on the socials:  

“Your body, my choice”.   

Yep Joe, y’all that.

The first hundred days of Trump’s second term will be astonishing. Conservative policy engineers at the think tanks have been working on this 100 days for five years. 

MZ; Did you ever ask yourself; If a felon can’t vote in some states, why can we vote for a felon? Crazy huh?

So, Trump is not only elected, he is now what we call on the pod, an unaccompanied moron. There will be no adults in the room this time… just boot licking sycophants …

So, when Donnie J says build the wall, the sycophants will say, how high.  When he says school nurses will no longer be allowed to perform gender reassignment surgery in schools, the sycophants will say no problem boss, we’ll get Bobby K to fire all the school nurses. When he says I want you to build the most beautiful internment camps in the history of deportation, Eric and Donny Jr. will have the model sales suites up and running in no time. The unaccompanied moron and his new cast of enablers will be scary. Retribution – you know I wish I had become a tax lawyer …because those motherfuckers are gonna be busy. 

Should we be worried?  Yes, we should… because perhaps you’ve noticed, if you hang with Trump long enough you go to jail. Roger Stone, Michael Flynn, Steve Bannon, Michael Cohen, Peter Navarro, Rick Gates, Paul Manafort, Alan Weisselberg, George Papadoupolis …ye hang with Trump… you go to jail and now we’re all hanging with Trump against out will for the next four years and jail time for us might be living through a completely unnecessary recession because Trump imposed tariffs because he doesn’t understand who pays them, or Chinses decide now is a better time than ever to invade Taiwan because they know that the moron in chief would blow the US response. Oh, and as our world heats to temperatures we’ve never seen before, MOTUS is all drill baby drill.

Motus is back y’all,  Moron of the United States. Now Trump is transactional - he needed his voters, for their votes, for the campaign contributions and he’d say whatever he need to say to make the transaction.

 But now he doesn’t need those people anymore.

So yes, there will be tax cuts… but not for you.  And yes, the Republicans will kill Obamacare with legislation that is written by the insurance companies and Big Pharma.  So, there will be a new health plan, but not for you. And when you go shopping and your Make America Great Again T-shirt that was sewn in China now costs an additional 15 bucks because of tariffs, you won’t be able to afford your new…Donald Trump trading cards.

So, my Republicans, as you gloat and tell us leftist lunatics that woke is broke, I’m telling you with deep humility, that you might have succeed at the ballot box, but when you open your mail and find out that your insurer will no longer cover you because of a pre-existing condition, you’ll be losing at the mailbox.

We need a businessman to run America. No, you don’t you need a statesman or a stateswoman.  The public is not the stockholders, congress is not the board of directors and the justice department isn’t Hank in compliance. 

Elon Musk and his broliarchy are going to try to gut the civil service. No more slow walking conservative values. No more studies and consensus building. Businessmen haven’t a clue about how to create a healthy and productive bureaucracy, one that gives American taxpayers the services they pay taxes for. This has been tried before. But this gang of arrogant businessmen will soon find out that running a bureaucracy is nothing like running a company. 

Trump won because “saving democracy” was not worthwhile to the majority of the low information American voter. Watch enough of Fox News and you might not be blamed for thinking that democracy doesn’t work so well. As Obama once put it, if I watched Fox news

I’d hate me too.  

So, as we always do on Yes, We Canada, let us take a very short moment to acknowledge the person most responsible for the decline of the once great nation, The United States of America.

Murdoch:  Right Bruce thank you very much it’s been truly a pleasure – 

Shut the fuck up you – wait as a Leftist I almost forgot I’m supposed to be nonviolent.  Can you fix that Pi?  

Thank you. 

Joe and Dr Jill Biden invited the Trumps to the Whitehouse – Melania passed. It’s tradition, it’s protocol and of course it is not a gesture that Trump had the class to do when he left office.  Oh, I mean he did invite some people to Washington but um, Joe Biden wasn’t among them. 

I’ve tried to imagine the meeting – the beige wingbacks in front of the roaring fire, the busts of MLK and JFK in the background - first words out of Trumps mouth: – Joe sorry to wake you from your nap.  I won biggley. Oh wow, love what you’ve done with the place. 

And Joe would be like, no by all means Mr. President Elect nice to see you. 

The handshake. 

Wow.  Small hands. Where’s your super model? My doctor is disappointed she couldn’t make it.  Yeah, I know she’s already seen the dump. 

Potus and Motus just a couple of seniors hangin out. 

Ok it’s time to wrap…but it’s also time to fight. In perhaps the greatest fuck you to an incoming president the American Civil Liberties Union bought a full page add in the New York Times on Sunday. 

Dear President Elect Trump,

In case you had any doubt we are the American Civil Liberties Union and we’re not moving to Canada. 

So rest assured that when you target immigrants, dissidents, and your political opponents — we will challenge you in the courts, at state legislatures, and in the streets.

Surely, you remember the landmark lawsuits we won against you on family separation, the U.S. Census, and immigrants’ rights — some of which were decided by judges you appointed. 

During your last presidency, we brought 434 legal actions, including 250 lawsuits, against your administration’s anti-civil liberties agenda. 

We also mobilized the power of our more than 1 million card-carrying members in the streets, at airports, and in state capitals.

We’ve developed a comprehensive roadmap to defend our rights beginning on day one. We’re not new to this. 

At the ACLU, we play the long game. We’ve been around for 105 years and seen 19 presidents come and go. 

That’s why any attempt to roll back the nation’s civil liberties on our watch will be hard fought and met with the full power of our resistance. 

Steadfast and determined to make ours a more perfect union, we remain, the ACLU. (1.16) 

MZ: now normally that would be a pretty cool place to end the pod.  Punchy, resistance forward, a little cocky, with a just smattering of indignant self-importance…just where you want a podcast to land, right?

But this is the last episode of season three. So, we want to take a second to tell you how much we enjoyed sharing this season with you and how much we appreciate your listenership.  Now, with a total of three seasons - 46 episodes of YWC, you have enough to drive from Bangor to Biloxi and only listen to this podcast – though, why anyone would want to do that… we have no idea.

So, end of season three a new regime in Washington, an election year in Canada …what do we do next?  You know sometimes writing satire about what Republicans say feels… almost unfair:   They’re Eating the dogs, school nurses are doing gender reassignment operations at school, drill baby drill, guns, guts and I don’t know goobers?... I’ll solve that war in 24 hrs …oh man…it just doesn’t stop…

 You listen, you laugh… you get disgusted… and then, you get sad. 

When the majority of Latino men voted for the person who threatens to demolish the Hispanic  community – immigrants, naturalized, landed, dreamers, undocumented doesn’t matter… the disparaging things Donald Trump said about the Hispanic people and you still voted for him? Hombres, really?   

White women!  You voted to for access to abortion and then voted for Trump?  ..the guy who brought you the end of Row vrs Wade, the convicted rapist…that guy… ladies?  What? 

And white fellas – my bro’s - you didn’t think a women president could stand up to world leaders?  Angela Markel guys?  No, it’s not a beauty line, guys she was the fucking Chancellor of Germany for 16 years. She stood. Up. And you know… if you wanted someone to stand up for ya…how about the former Attorney General of California.  Yeah she stood up to bankers who offered her 4 billion dollars to compensate the citizens of California after the banks improperly foreclosed on homes …and Kamala Harris walked…told the boy bankers to stuff it– and then she morphed their 4 billion dollar offer into a cheque for  20 billion. Bada boom. America needs a businessman for president – world leaders wouldn’t respect a woman.  Really?   

And my Republicans – my law and order people – you guys are gonna be the ones that pardon the Jan 6ers? The ones that beat the cops… sending 140 to the hospital and 5 to their graves…you’all proud of your Proud Boys? Really?

Clearly, as you can see, I can’t stop…but I must stop because season three is over.  I want to thank you for listening and supporting the show – I want to thank our team, Lisa Evans our announcer, Pi Salin Cutler our sound designer and mix engineer and Mio Adilman our permanent guest host.  The theme to Yes We Canada was written by Doug Wilde and myself and is performed by Manteca.  

Friends of the pod – do not fret, at some point in the next 1530 days… with shock, sadness and painful intestinal gas, Maga Republicans will realize that they have been hoodwinked by a carnie barker from Queens.  MAGA -  Make America Grift Again – you did it guys… congratulations.

Until next time! 

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