The Endorsement

The Washington Post wouldn't do it but Yes We Canada sure will.  This is our endorsement for president of the United States of America. 

But because we are the Swiss Army Knife of political satire podcasting we will also touch lightly on the size of Arnold Palmer's penis, pet eating and other critical issues facing the American electorate.

Transcript

YES WE CANADA  SEASON 3 EPISODE 9

Lisa: This is the Yes We Canada Podcast – The progressive’s guide to getting the fuck out.  This episode?   The Endorsement. 

MZ: They’re eating the cats, they’re eating the dogs, they’re eating the pets of the people that live there. They’re eating the cats, they’re eating… 

Pi: Hey Matt, we’re live!  Streaming ….”

MZ:  Oh, sorry. Hey I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal. 

In sports broadcasting there’s one show that always amazes me.  The men’s 100 yard dash. 

The sports bros take an event that last 11 seconds and they’ve figured out how to make it into a one-hour prime time TV special.  

That’d be like doing a 60 minute music special about a four-bar drum fill.  

I’m telling you this because today on the pod, inflated with the all the pretention and self- importance you’ve come to expect from us …the Yes, We Canada editorial board will announce our selection for the President …of the United States of America…the second greatest nation on earth. 

Yep, it’s time for eagerly anticipated “Endorsement Episode”. There are six us in the cast and crew on YWC and inspired by our brothers in jockcasting we’ve decided to take up 20 minutes of your precious time announcing the editorial board’s choice… between two names. 

MZ:  Let’s meet the cast and crew of the Yes, We Canada editorial board…

Head Engineer and Sound Designer Pi Salin Cutler.

Pi: Present.  

MZ: Announcer Lisa Evans

Lisa: Present … Why are there no snacks?  

MZ: Permanent Guest Host: Mio Adilman

Moi: Ready for duty   

MZ: Regular contributor, his holiness – the big guy…. God

God:  Omnipresent. Great to be on the pod, thanks for having me Matthew.  

MZ: And for our regular view from the right…Festus R. Fauxbilly

Fauxbilly:  Sombitch, this is as useless as tits on a bull, takes less than a second to say Trump 2024! 

Thanks all for being here 

MZ: Oh God.

God: Wasn’t me

MZ: Ok… the coveted YWC endorsement for the 47th president of the divided states of America.

Now Lisa you’re a very busy announcer, I know you have three film narrations, two ad spots, a tag and a novel to voice today so I won’t hold you up, give us your choice for POTUS. 

Lisa: Black is the new orange biyatches!

MZ: And?

Lisa: And, what?  And that’s it! Gotta run. Busy, busy.

Thank you, Lisa…don’t forget to drop by for the end of the show – you’ve got to do the extro tag. 

God, you’re up next buddy.

God: Buddy?  Buddy?  Up in heaven that’s what we call Buddha.  I would have brought him with me today but Buddha is a God of very few words, mostly … OHMS…ohm, ohm, ohm, 

God. Yep - haven’t missed an American election ... ever…I voted for George Washington. 

MZ: So that’s why we’re very excited to hear who you’ve chosen, especially because there has been a lot of talk about the evangelical vote and the Jewish vote.  

God: Matthew, Matthew, Matthew again– it’s true the evangelicals love me, but I don’t care how I’m polling cuz I’m not running …What concerns me about the evangelicals is I’m not sure what part of “having sex with and then paying off a porn star while you wife is home looking after your newborn, they don’t seem to understand.  Also, my son, Jesus, spoke a great deal about charity…Now, Trump was fined 2 million dollars and forced to close his charitable foundation because he illegally  used his charitable funds …for doing things like making portrait os himself, they can’t do that. Do they know this?  and yet, and yet…Evangelicals…this is God speaking what part of “grab ‘em by the pussy” do you people not understand? 

Matthew I know you wanted this fast and snappy So, I’m going to endorse, but I’m irritated about a few things.  When Trump was not talking about the issue that  faces the American people the most, which according to Trump was the size Arnold Palmer’s Penis, which I agree was very large because I made it, it was pretty impressive but when Trump was not talking about the size of a dead golfers Johnson he was talking about how disappointed he was in the Jews. 

Trump:  I wasn’t treated properly by the voters who happen to be Jewish. 

As you know, my son was Jewish, so I love the Jewish people, well, I love all the people. But you know who else was not treated very well by the Jews who are in the cabinet of Bibi Netanyahu?  The Palestinians.

Perhaps you’ve heard some of my philosophies …An eye for an eye, turn the other cheek, the punishment must match the crime… 

The Israeli Defense Force is bombing UN barracks and clinics where CHILDREN are getting polio vaccines. Now I’m going to repeat that, because you may not believe when I tell you that the IDF is bombing sites where children are getting polio vaccines. Just like the majority of the Palestinian people – I do not support Hamas. I do not support Hezbollah, but I also do not support a government whose cabinet thinks that bombing children’s vaccine sites is fair game in obtaining what they call their “military objectives”, which appears to be, the systematic annihilation of the Palestinian people.  

But don’t believe me, I’m just God, listen to the Israeli journalist Gideon Levy: 

Gideon Levy: After one year of terrible fighting in Gaza, of over 40,000 people killed most of them civilians, of hundreds of Israeli soldiers killed who were killed.  Is Israel a more secure place to be?  Is Israel in a better place than it was before the war? What did Israel gain exactly from this war?  Let’s say that the war is totally justified and even legitimate and Israel has the most moral army in the world which it is does …but in terms of interest what did we gain from this war exactly? Hamas is alive and kicking, the hostages were not released, Israel is turning intp a pariah state around the world, what did Israel gain from this justifiable war, nothing. We are in a much worse position than we were on the 6 of October. 

I couldn’t have said it better myself, and I’m God. 

Now… on to my endorsement –Donald J. Trump is not fit to lead and therefore I, God, am endorsing Kamala Harris who I think will make an excellent president. 

Thank you for having me Comish Gobal comish gobal comish gobal. I don’t know what it means either.  But it sounds very good, it sounds religious. 

Comish Gobal to you too God.

I ‘m increasingly told to be respectful of Trump’s supporters and their lame choice, why?  Because “we have to heal as a nation”.  So, I try, I try to be polite, considerate, and um, not judgemental.  

Trump: I’m better looking than Kamala

But as you can hear, it’s not easy to be polite and considerate.

Republicans keep using the phrase “The Harris administration” and I get that – it’s fair in the thrust and parry of a campaign – but please allow me to remind you all – the VP does not drive policy in an administration – they sub for the boss at funerals in 3rd world countries –places Trump refers to as shithole countries and break ties in the senate, that is the job description. A job that has been described by a previous occupant of the office John Vance Garner like this … the vice presidency isn’t worth a pale of warm piss.

Pi, sorry guys, I need a minute with the control room… 

Pi: go ahead.

MZ:  could you do a gender check on that bucket piss sound effect – it sounds like a man pissing to me and the current vice president is a woman, and on this show we even fact check the sound design because we want to make sure shit is factually true on Yes We Canada. 

Pi:  I thought we were talking about piss, not shit – don’t worry I’m in it, I mean, on it…. I’ll look into it. Oh yeah and by the way I’m endorsing Kamala. 

Well so far that’s 4 out of six employees of Yes We Canada that endorse Harris. Um, Fauxbilly where you all at on this endorsement business? 

Fauxbilly: Sombitch you costal elites, y’all so pompass and purddy damn sure of all y’all – I reckon y’all thinks y’all more gooder than us all.   Sho nuff tarnation uppidy mofo

Yankees y’all tore up - that dog won’t hunt Trump 2024 y’all got STDS

Oh, I think you mean TDS Trump derangement syndrome. Hmmm why might that be?

Trump : Kamala you’re fired get out of here. 

As the four-year cycle of presidential Electoral politics in the United States draws to an end and not a minute to soon in our view, I want to talk about journalism and candidate integrity. I am going to speak for 1 minutes, 30 seconds and four frames.  Do not scroll.

There was a lot of chat about journalists ‘fact checking’ candidates during town halls and debates.  The Republican Party actually negotiated an agreement with the networks that they would not fact check during the debates…I say shame on both parties – the parties here being the networks and the Republicans. Facts are not negotiable, my Republicans, facts are data-based morsels of information – saying that Haitian immigrants in Springfield are eating the cats and dogs of the people that live, there is as not a fact.  It is a lie. As the mayor and the city manager and then the Republican governor of Ohio all confirmed. It is a lie constructed by the vice-presidential candidate on the Republican side. Now, I am not going to litigate this lie, that caused bomb threats in schools, death threats against resident and legal immigrant in Springfield in the few remaining seconds I have… but I will say this – if you’ve never tried pug chops, there are delicious, marinated in a little Dijon with some fresh rosemary. That is a lie.  I have never had pug chops – although that recipe does sound doggone good  

The question – whose job is it to fact check on a debate – the journalist’s or the opposing candidate?  Valid question - and I have a valid answer. If the journalist poses a question to the candidate and they give a response that is not true – then the journalist must rebut – it is not up to the opposing candidate to burn through their allotted time cleaning up a truth mess on aisle two. You will have also noted that the new chic in debate prep is if there is a question the candidate does not want to answer they simply pivot to a subject they would rather speak of and run out the clock. 

America we are exhausted by this campaign and the political divide.  But from JD Vance’s childless cat ladies, to Governor Kristi Noem shooting her dog Cricket on purpose to 

American pets need this election to be over. Now. Bow Wow. 

I’ve watched quite a few American elections. I’ve read the campaign post-mortem books, I mean we’re talking full election geek I admit it– that said I have never seen an election campaign season quite as fucked up as this one.  On Tiktok in May of 2023 I pompously declared that neither Biden nor Trump would be the candidate on election day.  Well, I got 50%. As you know Biden dropped out in July 2024, followed by two assignation attempts on Trump and news that the vice-presidential candidate on the Republican side Googled “sex with dolphins” and then apparently humped his couch…I mean who among us hasn’t right? 

But for me the inciting moment, the WTF was …when the Republican Candidate for President of the United States stood on trial in New York for 34 felonies related to hush money payments he made.  

“A jury of 12 Manhattan residents reaches an historic verdict”. 

All Rise. 

MZ:  His honour Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Juan Merchan has left his chambers and just entered the courtroom … the accused and his defense team are now seated as we await the verdict in this remarkable case; The People of New York verses Donald J Trump, where for the first time in American history a former president has been accused of committing 34 felonies, including falsifying business records related to payments made to an erotic actress to buy her silence about a sexual encounter with the former president.  

Defense attorney Todd Blanche is whispering to co-counsel Susan Necheles

and the defendant is looking around the courtroom, a scowl fixed firmly on his face. 

Mio:  Nothing unusual here, Matt the defendant is up on an additional 54 felony counts in four other jurisdictions, including Conspiracy to defraud the United States, Conspiracy to obstruct an official proceeding, Obstruction of, and attempt to obstruct, an official proceeding Conspiracy against rights of the American people, etc. etc. so courtroom audiences are very familiar with what has become known as “the scowl”.  Trump posted 175 million dollars in bail bonds 

MZ:  I’m sorry to interrupt Mio but Trump defense attorney Todd Blanche has just approached the bench. in an effort to hear the conversation between the judge and the lawyer the court room has fallen silent and oh! look at this… it appears that the Defendant has just fallen asleep. 

Mio:  Well, nothing unusual here, this is the 7th time the defendant has fallen asleep during the proceedings and as in previous plays the eyelids are shut, the head gently sloped at the neck and hold on what’s this…

Order Order Order 

Trump “Thank you very much”

MZ: It appears there’s been some movement on the field of play.

Mio:  What kind of movement?

MZ: What a shit show.

I want you to imagine one other thing – let’s say a woman was president and she was on trial in New York for paying off a male porn star to avoid the story coming out during an election, do you think she would pass wind during the proceedings…

Order order, order 

So Mio it’s our first endorsement episode and I just wanted to find out where you stand on this issue,  have you made your choice for POTUS …tell me what the Japanese Canadian Jewish vote is. 

Mio: Well you know this is the first time in my life time where I have had to make a choice between among three different candidates. I ‘ve endorsed already and then I had to endorse a second time and however privately not to you of course, but never before have I had the experience of endorsing twice,  going through the different deliberations, the research.

MZ: Do your research dude. 

Mio: I’m looking into it. 

So, I’m going to have to go with …Kamala Harris.  The reason it took me so long, was I was trying to remember the correct pronunciation I didn’t want to endorse using the wrong pronunciation.

MZ I did that too for a while and a friend of mine who is normally very patient said to me,  “How many times do I have to tell you it’s Kamala”

So, you’re going for Kamala, ok I think that’s a wise choice. 

Mio:  Is that a real surprise, though?

MZ: No, it’s not.

Mio: I mean you’re choosing a record of legislation based on an entire party. It is a shit show.  

MZ: It is a shit show, are you nervous.

Mio: Nervous about my endorsement?

MZ: No, nervous about the potential results.

Mio: I think there is definitely the spectre, the possibility, however I just don’t think that’s going to happen because the republican candidate, the wheels are falling off the bus. 

Mio thank you for your endorsement and guest hosting when I ‘m on assignment in the United States. I really appreciate it. 

Mio: Thank you for your endorsement….

MZ: Ok Pi, cue the tympani.

Please welcome, the host and chief correspondent of Yes We Canada, me. 

Ok, Spoiler alert, I voted for Kamala in advance and enthusiastically. 

I respect her, I love her tenacity, I love the joy and compassion in her heart, I love that she was educated in Montreal, I love that she worked at McDonalds.  She’s got some innovative progressive programs and frankly, you guys, I’m just sick of men in charge – cuz I think there’s pretty good evidence that that has not worked out so great. 

So, I want a chick in charge. 

Kamala:  It is time to stop pointing fingers, we have to stop pointing fingers 

And start locking arms, it is time to turn the page on the drama and the conflict, the fear and the division it is time for a new generation of leadership in America and I am ready to offer that leadership as the next president of the United States of America. 

Wokies and wokettes, here’s my closing argument - I’m not sure how much facetime you get with the MAGA crowd, but because of the podcast and my Tiktok account – @mattzimbelofficial – I get a lot of, um, “input” from my Magalicious friends from across the aisle.  So I’m here to tell you there is a serious case against Trump. 

They were there with love in their hearts, it was unbelievable day, a beautiful day. 

A “Tourist Visit to the Capitol” for some “legitimate political discourse”. Trump’s actions on Jan 6 make him no longer suitable to hold the position of President of the United States.

Well, we need a business-man to run the United States. 

Well, I did some research into this business-man - Trump University, Trump Air, Trump Steaks, Trump Casinos, Trump Water, Trump Wine – and Trump is a terrible business-man, who has been impeached twice and is guilty of sexual assault, 34 felony counts of falsifying business records and another give or take 50 felony charges, for you know, minor shit, like defrauding the People of United States… 

Oh yeah and although he said he would pay down the national debt, he fucked that up too and increased it by 8 trillion dollars, the largest peacetime increase in the national debt ever. And breaking news after 8 years …he now has a concept for a health plan so he can cancel Obamacare ….

Some of my buddies on the right, whip out their misogyny…  “The worlds on fire… now’s not the time for a woman leader…”

Yep, I guess you’re right, now’s the time for a rapist felon, with 6 bankruptcies who’s charged with defrauding the citizens of the United States. …that’s what time it is. 

Should Trump lose on Tuesday, or Wednesday or whenever they finish counting all the mail in ballots in Maricopa Country for the sixth time,  Trump can whine about the results being stolen from him, he can play golf, he can go to court, then he can go to jail and screaming then, he can shut the fuck up and leave us the fuck  alone!  

I’m not sure how unhinged endorsements are supposed to be… we’ve never endorsed before. 

And this time, we’re endorsing Kamala Harris for President of the United States of America.

Theme 

Thanks for listening to the Yes we  Canada podcast.  The role of Mio Adilman was performed by Mio Adilman.  The sound designer and mix engineer is Pi Salin Cutler. The theme was written by Doug Wilde and Matt Zimbel and performed by Manteca. God appears courtesy of the Godpod with thanks to Mel Brooks.  Special thanks to the Sunday Magazine for the interview with Gideon Levy. No deities were harmed the production of this show. My name is Lisa Evans and I’m your announcer.  Until next time!