A Major Announcement

Well, it's a "major announcement" and if we told you right here what it was, why would you listen to the episode?  You know, just because we've dedicated our entire working lives to writing stupid podcast promos doesn't mean we haven't thought this through. 

Transcript

EPISODE SEVEN | SEASON THREE

A Major Announcement 

The Yes We Canada Podcast is an independent podcast where your support is essential to our production. You can help fund our work with a monthly subscription by going to Patreon.com slash Yes We Canada where your contribution is deeply appreciated!  Ok, season three, episode seven, let’s roll.

Lisa:  This is the Yes We Canada podcast, the progressives guide to getting the fuck out. This episode -  A Major Announcement. 

 Theme

Mio:  Hello… Matt’s on assignment in the US, my name is Mio Adilman and I’m in the host’s chair. Thanks for joining us…  pretty excited about today’s pod, as Lisa mentioned we have exclusive coverage of a major announcement.  

Let’s get to it – I want to begin by introducing today’s guest…the big guy is back…

God: Mio, Mio, Mio!  Good to see you…The big guy?

 Mio:  God, it’s great to have you back on the pod.

 God:  Mio, it’s great to be here.  But Mio, the big guy?  You make it sound like I’m a 350 pound line backer in the NFL. I’m a deity for god sakes! For my sakes. 

 Mio: I’m sorry your honour.

 God: Your honour? What, now I’m a county court judge, Mio, you do not address God as your honour.

 Mio:  What should I call you?

 God: My friends call me G. 

 Mio: Ok, got it. Look, I’m happy you’re here, I understand you have a major  announcement to make and we’re stoked that with all the media available to you, you chose us.

 God:  Yeah Mio, It was either you guys or the Christian Science Monitor…cuz I don’t like the makeup and hair at CNN. 

 Ok, I’m not gonna bury the lede, I’m just going to jump in here and announce… As you know I’m a creator, in fact I am the first creator.  For your younger audience, it’s worth noting that a creator is more important than a founder and an influencer. And, here it is Mio,  I’ve created a brand new Televised Awards Show:  

 Mio:  Oh,  I see. That’s, that’s the major announcement?

 God. Yep, uh huh. Pretty good huh?

 Mio:  What’s your award show called?

 God:  The God’s Choice Awards. It’s like the People’s Choice Awards but much more influential….  Mio, you don’t seem overly excited.

 Mio: Well sir, you know…

 God:  G, call me G 

 Mio:  Ok, Well, you know, Awards shows are kind of a dying breed, the red carpet, the media wall, the step and repeat - audiences are tired of the format – you know we’ve got the Oscars, the Emmy’s, the Golden Globes, the Tony’s, the EGOTs,  the Juno’s… they’re all losing audience…ratings are in the toilet, it’s all kinda been done before.

 God: Mio, that is true, by my awards show will be very, very different. 

Mio:  How so? 

 God: Well, the award shows recognize excellence – not mine, my show is going to recognize evil. It’s judgement day folks.  Our winners will not be going to heaven. They won’t even be going to an after party.  

 Mio: That sounds vaguely foreboding…I know you have a bit of a temper. 

 God: uh huh, they don’t call me the almighty for nothing. 

 Mio; Are you hosting?

 God:  Well, it came down to me and Howard Stern, I picked me.

 Mio: Who will you be wearing?  

 God: Mio, as usual, I’ll be wearing a sheet from Winners. 

 Mio: Ok, let’s get into some substance, I mean if you can get into substance on an awards show…can you tell us how are the nominees selected?  Is there like an academy, or some kind of committee that picks the winners? 

 God: Well, I am a Deity and usually, we don’t do committee – but I did ask some of the other gods, you know I’m not the only one up there – I checked with Mo, Buddy, Vish  and Rebecca and they were all down with creating a nominating committee. 

 Mio: I know you’ve told me this before, but I do a lot of interviews and it’s been a while can you remind me Mo, Vish, Buddy, Rebecca?

 God: Mohammad, Vishnu, Buddy that's what we call Buddah.

 Mio: Rebecca?

 God:  we call her Becky – God of Women. Smarter, more compassionate and frankly she keeps us men gods focused. 

 Mio: Ok got it. Is there a criteria for winning an award?

God: A criteria?  Mio you know I love doing the pod with you, you’re much smarter than the regular host, a better journalist, too, but Mio – criteria?  Have you ever heard of the 11 commandments? 

 Mio: 11?

 God: In the Book of Exodus, which I also call the Book of Get the Fuck out,  it says the  Commandments were revealed to Moses at Mount Sinai, and inscribed by the finger of God , that’s me, on two tablets of stone.  Not easy. 

 "There were thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of the trumpet was very, very loud", and the people assembled at the base of the mount,  “ok women and children in front, there’s lots of room everybody sit, take a load off, cash bar, please don’t drink and drive,  buffet opens in a few minutes …. make yourselves at home…

 Mio:  Oh, my God, you wrote this?

 God: I found it on Wikipedia. There’s more. 

 And the LORD (that’s me) said unto Moses I will give thee tablets of stone, and a law, and commandments which I have written; that thou mayest teach them. 

 And Moses said, God, let me just be sure about one thing (beat) you want us to cut the tip of our dicks off?  Have I got that right?

 Mio; What did you say?

 God.  Well, I said, “Under no circumstances.” And then to make sure he would understand how important this was, I threw in a little thunder but with the noise of the thunder, Moses thought I said, “go circumcision”  but what I actually said was under no circumstances …do you cut the tip of your dicks off. 

 Mio: Well, it’s just the tip, right? Look, I hope you won’t think this too forward, but are you circumcised?

 Mio: Well that's quite hard.

 God:  Nope. It’s a tragic waste of foreskins and it’s arrogant.  

Mio: What’s arrogant?

God: You people and your circumcisions – it’s like you think I made a mistake.  Like I accidently added a little bit of extra skin that wasn’t needed on that thing you people call “the penis”. 

 Mio:  What do you mean you people?  You don’t call it the penis?  

 God: Of course not. The proper religious name for the male sexual organ is “the fornicator”.

 Mio: That's hard.

 God; I can assure you it's not hard. look, when I created humans, I didn’t get complicated – what you guys call the cardiac, you know the heart it’s actually called the pumper, the lungs, are called the air bags and the liver is called the filta. You know I love the Latins, but their language is kinda pompous, I really like their music though – Pi hit me with a good montuno would ya?

God: Makes me want to dance. 

 Mio: Reacts. Ok, let’s get back to the criteria for the award show winner. 

 God: Actually, our winners are really losers, the biggest losers, but I’ll get into that in a minute.  The criteria – is simple… there… are… 11 commandments.

 Mio: I thought there were ten:

 God: No eleven. And they are not suggestions, they are not recommendations they are… commandments!  If you are really good at disrespecting my commandments on a regular basis…you win. Not complicated. 

 Mio: What do you mean?

 God: Ok let’s get into it…number nine:  you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor – which is just a fancy way of saying you shall not lie. 

 So, we had a lot of nominees to sort through in this category – lot of  Republicans but I thought, I want to give this award to a someone who has embraced lying so profoundly he or she has transformed the world, made it crappier -  I wanted an industrial strength  liar, an institutional purveyor of alternative facts, a fake news newscaster, …do you want to know who the nominees are?

 Mio: Shoot. 

 God:; Ok Pi, let’s do it.

 V/O And the nominees in the category of Bearing False Witness:

 From Georgia’s 14th district Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green

 Former Republican Congressman from New York’s 3rd district George Santos

Minority Leader of the Senate from Kentucky Mitch McConnell

Australian media mogul owner of Fox News, Rupert Murdoch 

 And the winner is Rupert Murdoch

MZ: (Murdoch acceptance) Thank you Bruce, It gives me great pleasure to accept this award on behalf of Fox News, where truthiness has always been our top priority….I’d also like to thank Sean

God: You don’t get to make a speech you putz, you! get to go to hell for eternity!  What you have accomplished during your lifetime is repulsive, the pain you have caused, the families you have broken, although I did respect your firing of Tucker Carlson, finally you putz. To hell with you. 

 Mio: Oh, that’s wrathy!

 God: Mio let’s move on to another category I got to get in a commercial break soon.

 Mio: Ok whaddya got …

 MZ: And the nominees for:  thou shall not kill.

 v/o The President of Russia, Vladimir Putin

 v/o The President of Israel Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyah

 v/o The Chairman of The Political Bureau of Hamas Ismail Haniyeh

VO: It’s a three way tie – 

 God: Now you three putzes can serve your people for an eternity – without rigged elections!  To hell with you three – you’re going to love the red carpet. 

MZ V/O And the nominees for you shall not steal AND you shall not commit adultery.

 VO:  Donald J. Trump.

VO:  and the winner is ….Donald J Trump 

 Trump saying Thank you, thank you.

Mio: Wow God, I’m enjoying your awards show, it’s fast paced, none of those campy production numbers, real business, tear an envelope, slap a loser, move on – love it. Will there be a lifetime achievement award?

 God: Of course Mio, you know I respect award show conventions …but our lifetime achievement award is called the “End of lifetime, Achievement award”…Time to meet your maker… 

Mio: Well, there are a lot of commandments and categories and we’re running out of time here…I just have a couple of quick questions.  I’ve been reading up on the commandments and some of them are kinda of, um, you know kinda …all about you…”you shall have no other gods before me, you shall not take the lords name in vain, you shall remember the holy day” … that  all really seems, you know, please  forgive me here, but it all feels a little narcissistic. 

 God: Well Mio these were written a long time ago and yeah, I was a little up my own ass, at the time, but I ‘ve been doing a lot of therapy and I’m much more chill now. So you know, “take not thy name in vain”  is now more like “say a few nice things about me from time to time, Sundays take a day for yourself and your family”, we’re much more … you know it’s not  all about me anymore. 

Mio: Ok, well I have just a couple more quick questions cuz I know our time with you is running out.

God: yeah I have a session for the Godpod in a few minutes. 

Mio:  There’s one commandment that I’ve never understood – it says you should not covet another man’s slaves. Slaves?

 God: Typo. 

Mio; Excuse me?

 God:  No Mio, that is a typo – it was supposed to say "charity salves our conscience".  I was engraving the stone tablets with my finger, it was late Saturday night, the sabbath was coming up and I was tired got a little sloppy. I put the “l” in front of the “a” instead of after…so I got slave instead of salve. 

 Who… would think God endorses slavery… that is ridiculous.

 Mio: and then one more clarification …then I’ll let you go…I thought there were only 10 commandments what is the 11th commandment?

MZ: Thou shalt like and subscribe to God’s podcast.

 Theme:

 Lisa: With apologies to Mel Brooks, this has been Yes We Canada, The Progressives Guide to Getting the Fuck Out. The role of the guest host Mio Adilman was performed by,  Mio Adilman.  Sound design by Pi Salin Cutler, theme music composed by  Doug Wilde and Matt Zimbel and performed by Manteca – my name is Lisa Evans and I’m your announcer. Thanks for joining us – until next time.     

Premise:  God’s podcast is going very well, engagement is fantastic…especially on Sundays. “I’m blowing up on Tiktok .” Some of the other Gods, (Mo, Buddy Rebecca)  are calling me an influencer. After watching the Emmy’s he decides he wants to do an award show.