Tuck Yeah!

Tucker Carlson, American "journalist" decides it's time to fly to Calgary to "liberate" Canada and then jet to Moscow have a "serious talk" with Russian  President  V. Putin. Much hilarity ensues. 

Transcript

EPISODE 5   |  SEASON 3   |  YES, WE CANADA

TUCK YEAH 

This… is the Yes, We Canada Podcast, the progressive’s guide to getting the fuck out. 

Episode 41. Tuck, Yeah! 

Hey, I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal, Canada. 

Well, Tucker this worked out pretty well…

Tucker Carlson, a right-wing American journalist – hey guys I need a fact check on “journalist” – does that term really apply to Tucker? 

Tucker went to Moscow for an interview with Vladimir Putin. ‘not war, military operation’ It was the only interview granted to a western, um, journalist.  In journalistic circles an exclusive, unapparelled booking of a VVIP is called a ‘get’.  And the interview with Vlad was a “get” alright, a ‘get bored’. 

 Now you don’t get to be a murderous Russian dictator by being stupid and Vlad played Tucker his new lapdog masterfully. 

Oh Vlad this is fascinating, oh please do tell me more about Rurik, the Scandinavian prince, who was invited to rule over the city of Novgorod, the capital of the Rus - the people who would eventually develop into today's Russians, in the year  eight hundred and sixty two. 

Vlad, I know killing is your specialty, but dude you’re killing me here. In eight hundred and sixty-two. Really? Then the treaty was completed in 1654… then what happened? 

 Uninterrupted for 22 minutes, 10 seconds and three frames, Put Put droned on with his Russian History 101 for Dictators for so long he even bored himself. 

 Boring?  This is going from Vlad to worse. 

 And then, post interview Tucker went shopping, and Putin had Russian opposition leader Alexi Navalny executed. 

 Tuck yeah! 

 Oh, the American right loves their strong men dictators… and Tucker has become the “apologist in chief” for murderous authoritarian dictators all over the world. 

What happened Tucker?  Your journalist friends are scratching their heads asking … what happened to Tucker, man he used to actually be a journalist and a pretty decent writer…when did he decide that opinion writing was a fiction genre? 

 Ok, let me give you the downlow on Tucker. He had a traumatic childhood.  His mother left the family when he was six, she moved to France, he never saw her again. I’m not sure trauma like that is the leading cause of becoming an American racist blow-hard but mom leaving at six…that’s gotta hurt.  At least his journalist / ambassador dad was supportive:  You see, after college Tucker applied for a job with the CIA and was rejected… his dad cheered him up: “Son”, he said, “go into journalism, they’ll take anybody”. 

 And you progressives are going to love this one…his first job in journalism?  A fact checker for The Heritage Foundation. They have fact checkers? What for?  

 Guys we can’t just put this on the air - we have to fact check this story about Heritage Foundation having a fact checking department. Control room – run this down to the Yes We Canada fact checking department?

 We don’t have a fact checking department.  Oh. 

 We don’t have a control-room? 

 Ok then. 

 Eventually our Tuck up got hired by the Fox News Network. You know that spin spewing sycophantic megaphone for anti-immigrant nationalism, economic populism and America first isolationism…run by Rupert Murdoch a fucking Australian. 

 Tuckers job at Fox was to ensure that his viewers got their daily recommended dose of hateful rhetoric.  Fox News Network, where the disadvantaged are told to “pull up their bootstraps” be all you can be…be American. Unless of course you are an illegal immigrant in which case be all you can be – deport yourself. 

 His show became the highest rated show on Fox and the most watched cable news show in America… until one day last fall when Tucker was unceremoniously fired after Fox agreed to pay Dominion Voting Machines $787 million dollars to settle a lawsuit for lying to their viewers about the 2020 election. 

 Now may I just say, Tucker if you are too toxic for Fox? Well, then…rage on little white man. 

 And so, without Fox, Tucker went home to Maine, built a TV studio and opened up TCN. The Tucker Carlson Network.  

To get warmed up for his big international debut interviewing Putin  as Chief Foreign Correspondent at the Tucker Carlson Network – Tucker decided to come to Canada on what he called his Sworn Enemy Tour.  He announced that he was coming north to “liberate Canada”, the first stop on his mission?  Our Houston… Calgary.

But what better way for a frat boy, white supremist to start a visit to Canada, than with a prank call to the Prime Minister.

 Tuck ya! The American right is coming to liberate Canada. 

 Yahooo. Yeehaw. Oscar Mike Tango Uniform. Hold my beer, over!

 I feel safer already. Fewer gun controls seemed to have worked well in America.  And of course, I would much rather have an insurance agent be responsible for my family’s health care. Because insurance agents are much more compassionate than government bureaucrats. It’s been clinically proven. 

 Did you get your daily dose of American exceptionalism today?  No?  Ok…you will, Pi roll the clip. 

 Sending an Armed force north to liberate Canada from Trudeau.  Well, I was groupthinking about this the other day and it dawned on me that I have a few questions. And the first question is for CBS, Canadian Border Services.  Um, guys, did it ever cross your mind that in the era of the … January 6th um, “Normal Tourist Visit” to the Capitol, that maybe that maybe, you should screen right wing media figures who are threatening Canada with armed assault.  Like dudes, maybe if you make a threat of violence, you have to go into like a different line at customs? Or maybe advocating armed violence should get you banned from speaking publicly in Canada? Oh, I’m sorry am I being a liberal snowflake again…?

If promoting an armed invasion of Canada to millions of Americans is not enough to get a white man in a blue blazer, rep tie and khaki pants held at the border, I’m not sure what is. As Tucker loves to say, “I’m serious, I’m serious”.   No, sir, you are most decidedly not serious.  You and your Yankee Scowl are what we call in these parts a useless idiot. 

…and the big reveal is “you’re ...straight…details at 11”

Give our kids Fentanyl? …Tuck no! What we are trying to do here Tucker is keep those of our children who have fallen into the tragic life of drug addiction alive long enough to get clean and live a productive drug free life. You got a better idea? More policing maybe? That will stop the drug dealers from killing their clients. Got proof?

 Time to arm up Canada. Weapons of self-defence…. So, how’s that working out for you down there in exceptionalist America, Tucker?  First month, the first month of 2024. 46 mass shootings in America, in one month, 98 killed 121 and wounded.   Yeah, we gotta get some of that shit up here…you Americans have all the fun. Duck and cover…Tuck yeah!

Oh Tucker, Tucker, Tucker...we need immigrants, we have the largest land mass in the world, and mostly it’s empty - we need people to work, we need people to make babies, we need people to pay taxes… 

 Listen Tucker, just like you in the United States, we have lightly educated people here in Canada.  And when you come up here with your tour of bile-o-licious lies, some of our low information folks actually believe you. They actually believe they would be safer with AR15’s. They actually believe that our dignity in dying laws are made so the government can kill people who are not woke enough…they actually believe that their government is giving their children Fentanyl – they actually believe you when you tell them that immigrants are bad, not good.  They hear your white supremist dog whistles and they think – ‘Jeez, sounds about right, eh?’ 

Tucker, people actually believe you because you have a gigantic um, megaphone and a very modest moral compass.  Those are your people Tucker, low information voters and the lightly educated. Remember the Canadian Trucker Convoy?  The protest we call the Bouncy Castle Revolution?  Well, air check Tucker on Truckers: he called their movement quote “the single most successful human rights protest in a generation”. 

 And the Oscar, for most successful human rights protest in a generation goes to…

 BLM 

 Oh, Tucker, please, give us timid Canadians the moral courage to embrace the values of the of the American right. Give us that open minded paleo-conservative view of the world. 

 So, Tucker, hey bud, you love Canada right, right?

 Tucker, if you love Canada, as you profess, do us a favour, Tuck Off.

  Lisa: Thanks for listening to the Yes, We Canada Podcast.  Sound design and mix by Pi Salin Cutler, our theme was written by Doug Wilde and Matt Zimbel and performed by Manteca. My name is Lisa Evans and I’m your announcer. 

 Yes, We Canada is an independent podcast and you can support our work with a subscription and a monthly subscription by going to Patreon.com/ Yes We Canada where your contribution is deeply appreciated! 

 Until next time!