Lordy, Lordy, Lordy - God Help Us!

Well this is a tough one.  This episode went sideways. If we tell you how, we will be accused of rampant spoiler alert. So, press play, and and listen carefully as your 9th favorite podcast loses complete control of the run of show. 

Transcript

Announcer: 

This is the Yes We Canada Podcast, the progressives guide to getting the fuck out. 

This episode?  Lordy, Lordy, Lordy… God Help Us. 

 Mio: Hello, Matt’s on assignment in the US, my name is Mio Adilman and I’m in Toronto. Today on the pod:  Both Canada and the US get new speakers of the house.

Mio: Not exactly. But thanks. Nice try.

 In the States, the new speaker of the House of Representatives is an obscure Republican congressman who represents the 4th district of Louisiana. As a deeply religious man he regularly leads his congressional colleagues in prayer.  Can I get an Amen!

 The new speaker has a rather unfortunate last name, a name that is, well, it’s a colloquial term for um, a, penis, a pecker, a wanker, a wang, an organ, a willy, a dick, a member and…a Johnson. Member Johnson was erected to be Speaker. 

 America your new Johnson is a God fearing evangelical, an anti-gay, anti-trans, election denying conservative who is now second in line to the presidency of the United States of America, which has led many Americans to ask…is our Johnson a dick?

In Canada, we also freshened up the speaker of our house after a terrible international embarrassment that I’ll get to later in the show. Because we found that holding terrible international embarrassments until later in the show builds audience numbers, increases revenue and is just plain fun! 

 But, before we dive into this week’s pod, as guest host, I just want to say that I’m always excited to be on Yes We Canada.  I do a lot of guest hosting, but I really love filling in on this show for two reasons; there are no commercials, and the guests are never booked to hype their book or their crappy new podcast, which is refreshing. 

Mio: Ok, let’s get into it.  Today on the show.

Guys hang on a sec.

 Mio:  God, we didn’t expect you on the pod today – didn’t see you on the run down…

 God: Mio, Mio, Mio, love when you guest host, much smarter than that other putz. Thought I’d pop in. 

 Mio:  God…uh, thank you I guess… what brings you to Yes We Canada today?

God:  Mio, thought I’d drop by to promote my new podcast, you know,  hype my pod, hawk my wares …very excited about it…think you’re gonna love this project 

 Mio: Ok, we usually don’t do promo on the show but I guess we could make an exception. 

 God:  Mio, I’m God, I’m exceptional.  

God:  Very excited to tell you the title.

Mio:  Shoot!

God:  The God Pod. What do you think?

God:  We were going to call it Godcast but it didn’t test well so Branding shot it down. Do you want to hear the theme?  Very snappy. Very excited…Pi let it roll.

 Mio: 

 God:  We got your new sound designer Pi-Salin-Cutler to produce it for us…love it, you should hear it in Dolby Atmos 9.3.12  immersive surround – heavenly! 

 Mio: Look it’s great to have you with us, why don’t you stay for a little while cuz like most of humanity, I have a few questions… tell you what, I promise we’ll do the whole promo thing at the end.  Can that work for you, your worship?

 God:  Mio, your worship? For fuck sakes I’m the lord, not a county court judge – anyway delighted to stay...what can I pontificate on?

 Mio: won’t be needing these scripts anymore. 

God: Whaddaya got? 

Mio: As I mentioned at the top of the show both Canada and the US got new speakers of their houses this fall and I’d like to start in the US Congress with the new speaker Mike Johnson.

 God: Yep, the house has a new johnson. 

Mio: He’s one of your people, very religious…

God: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on a second here - there is a difference between holy and religious. There is a difference between a Jew and a Zionist, between a Palestinian and a Hamas Terrorist… But there is no difference between a religious Johnson and an evangelical dick, Jesus Christ, oups I shouldn’t say that. God forbade.

Mio:  I think it’s God forbid.

God:  Right, I always get that tense wrong, been doing it for an eternity, God forbid, god forbid. 

Mio: So, we’re hearing that Speaker Mike Johnson is very nice, in a kind of southern, evangelical way. Apparently, he has a pact with his son where they monitor each other’s internet consumption to make sure they don’t watch any porn.  

 God:  Yes, apparently they have a MILF free household. Free the MILFs I always say.

 Mio:  Supposedly, they use an ap called Covenant Eyes, it cost $15 bucks a month, you download it on your computer and every minute it takes a screen shot and if it finds you screening something pornographic, it sends an alert. 

 God:   Had nothing to do with the development of that program. Seems invasive to me. MILFs have rights too, you know. 

Mio: Well, I guess since we’re talking about programs, I should ask you about AI.  Artificial Intelligence.  Have you heard about that?

 God: Heard about it?  I developed it.  Mio, I’m God. What do you think the G in ChatGPT stands for?

 Mio: G  ChatGPT - God – yeah, got it …ok, what does the PT stand for?

God: Part Time. 

Mio:  How do you feel about your name being constantly invoked by the right? 

Listen to this clip from Speaker Johnson. 

 Clip: I am a Bible believing Christian… to… that’s my world view… that’s what I believe. 

 God: Read the bible?  I wrote the bible. 

Mio: I mean Mike Johnson says, “God invented civil government”, did you invent civil government?

God: Actually no, I invented the Dewey Decimal system. You know the one that you use to organize books in a library…quite proud of that…it might have led to civil government, I’m not sure.

Mio:  But in the bible there are all kinds of laws, the big one of course… thou shalt not kill, but didn’t you also say in Leviticus 19:19 that man is prohibited from wearing wool and linen fabrics in the same garment?

 God:  Mio, you are wearing a track suit that is a copy of a knock off, that I’m sure you got at Winners for $15. 

 Mio: $17.

 God: I’m not discussing shamata with you, but yeah, I did say no linen and wool at the same time – linen is cool, very tropical – wear it at the beach club when you’re having Margaritas, Wool, very warm, wear it at the ski hill, for your apres ski…it’s not so complicated.  

But yeah, I do get upset when the Republicans or Conservatives take my name in vain.  The one that really upset me recently was Kari Lake…that chick that ran for Gov. of Arizona, we discuss Arizona on my new podcast, did I mention I have a new podcast The Godpod?  

Mio: Yes, you did mention it a couple of times. 

God. Ok, good, my publicist asked me to mention it a couple of times at least. So, this Kari Lake she used to be a TV anchor, ran for Governor of Arizona, lost and then denied it. Listen to what she said about me, it’s featured on my new podcast the Godpod, Pi roll the clip I brought…

Mio: You brought your own clip?

 God responds: Mio I always bring my clips. 

 God: yep, I’m God alrighty and Kari, Kari Kari, I’m also some pissed. You said and I quote – Pi can you hit me with a little sound design, you know something flashy for the quote. 

God:  thanks buddy, good one, very impactful. So, Kari says, “They kicked God out of the schools and welcomed the drag queens. They took down our flag and replaced it with rainbow”.

 Whoa whoa whoa…wait a sec here… they did not kick God out of the schools, I finished grade 12 and then did a little under grad, it was boring, the student loan was killing me, I quit.  Kari, of course, you welcome drag queens – it’s just polite – you welcome everyone, and I love rainbows, one of my best inventions, to take nothing away from my other great invention the peanut M&M.  

Mio: God, I want to talk Biden.  His polling is not going well, particularly in battleground states.  Even some democrats are saying – “Joe you had a good run…time to step aside for someone younger”…but he seems pretty vibrant to me, I mean he walked the picket line at the United Auto Workers Strike in Detroit – first president to walk a picket line…

 God: Well, at his age… any exercise is good.  And you know Mio it seemed to work, the autoworkers got a great deal…30% raise, finally a fair labour deal, you know Mio I’m all about sharing…I know that pisses off the Republicans…but if you’re going to bonus the execs because you’re having a great year, it’s only Godly to bonus the workers- not rocket science. Share… be kind… have compassion…look after each other.   Woke the fuck up everyone. Whoops, sorry.  I get worked up. 

Look if you want to talk about age, vitality and health – Trump – I mean… he may identify as a 215 lb billionaire with abs, but I saw all the stats, I saw the blood pressure, the weight, the height, the BMI, the IQ, the assets, he’s no billionaire with abs never mind the NFTS, and he’s only 3 years younger than Biden, so me, I’m old, I’m not going to worry about Biden’s age. But I am going to worry about Trump’s avails. 

Mio: What do you mean?

God:  Avails Mio, it’s a term we use in Hollywood, short for availability, it’s a show biz term, did I mention my podcast? Yes? I did, good.  Well, the things about avails is it’s going to be hard to attend the G20 or make the State of the Union address in front of Congress when you’re locked up in prison.  That’s all I’ll say at this point. 

 Mio: Sorry, is this like breaking news, a scoop, should we file with the wire services?

 God:  I’m denying a scoop, and don’t name your source, you can just identify me as a “senior official who was not authorized to speak about the subject”.  

Mio: Well, I want to get to Canada, but before I do, I want to ask you about the Middle East and Ukraine. 

 God.  You and everyone else wants to get to Canada.  Ok shoot.

Mio: What is your take on what is happening in the Middle East?

God.  Well, Mio, Mo and I were talking about this this morning.

 Mio:  Mo?

God:  Mohammad.  You know Mio, my son was Jewish, so I have a lot of tenderness for the Jewish people. I think they deserve a safe homeland… but I also think the Palestinian people deserve a safe and prosperous homeland. What Hamas did in Israel on October 7th was an inexcusable war crime, horrific.   But what Israel is doing in Gaza is also a war crime and it has to stop.  Two war crimes don’t make a right. Have you seen the pictures of the children in Gaza, who have lost their families, their homes, have you seen them bending down and opening a shrouded body and kissing a little sister or older brother goodbye?  One of the most evil terms ever written by the military is “collateral damage”.  What is the difference between a terrorist attack and a military mission?   Can you tell me that?  A democratically elected military – what? 

 Israel may think they are eradicating Hamas, but I think they are holding a job fair for future Hamas terrorists, all those orphaned PTSDed kids, what are they going to do when they grow up – where is that rage going to go?  To Hamas.  And let me tell you, if I had hostages in a country… the last thing I would do is start bombing the country where my hostages are!   I’m disgusted. Disgusted. This is very painful for me and for Mo.  

Mio:  I certainly understand your grief. Where are you on what’s happening in Ukraine?

God: What, there’s something happening in Ukraine?  What’s that – I haven’t seen anything on the news…lately…I think the only thing happening in Ukraine is the media got bored and moved on. Disgusted. 

Mio: Just to bring it a little closer to home cuz I know our time with you is limited. One of the issues that seems to be getting the Republicans some traction with voters is their opposition to gay and trans issues and Critical Race Theory. 

God. Mio I was watching Tiktok the other day… and a journalist asked a Trump supporter how he felt about Critical Race Theory and the Trumper actually said, on camera, “I don’t know what it is but I know it’s no good and I surely don’t like it!”  That… is what I call an informed electorate.

Mio: God I liked your accent….

 God.  I created all the accents, so they aren’t hard. 

 Mio: But you must have something like that in your life- you know, something you don’t necessarily know, but you know it’s no good?

 God:  Oat Milk.

 Mio: I don’t know I have a little oat milk with my coffee, it’s good. 

 God: Look Mio I know that cows are gassy, probably not good for the carbon footprint, but you know if I wanted people to milk oats, I would have given them little, tiny teats. You see any teats on oats? No, you do not, so do not milk oats people- that’s rude.

 Mio – just to finish up on the US Mio I brought another clip – this is Mike Johnson the new Speaker:

 Clip: God is not done with the country.  

 God:  I’m not done with the US but I’m getting pretty fucking close!  

 Mio:  Canada has a new speaker too.  

God: Do you want to give your listeners the ugly backstory on that or do you want me to?  I need to work on my announcing skills for my new podcast, so if you want me to explain – I‘m good with that…

 Mio: Shoot, always interested in God’s perspective. 

 God:  You know the president of Ukraine, the former comedian, Volodymyr Zelenskyy – well he was visiting Canada – important state visit and as a tribute, the speaker of the house Anthony Rota invited a Ukraine WW2 veteran, the 98-year-old Yaroslav Hunka to be saluted in the public gallery. But the next day the press starts reporting that Hunka fought in a Nazi SS unit!  

 Mio do you know how hard it is to get a security clearance on Parliament Hill?  Do you know this?

 Mio:  I have no idea.

 God:  Well, it’s hard, I was doing security for the last Pope who visited Parliament Hill and it took me six weeks to get my security clearance approved and I’m god! 

 Mio:  Yes, you have pointed that out.  Wait, you were doing security? 

 God:  Yeah, it was a little side hustle, I did it for a while, needed some extra cash, don’t do it anymore. 

 Mio:  How many side hustles do you have, security, a podcast, ruler of the heavens?

God.  Sky’s the limit Mio… anyway look to finish the story  - Speaker Rota booked the worst possible guest, fell on his sword - resigned and will not run in the next election.  Then the house voted in a new speaker, the 38th   speaker, of the parliament of Canada a guy named Greg Fergus – he’s a Liberal, he represents Aylmer, Quebec and he’s the first Black speaker of the House of Commons!   Now, may I say, Canada!  You have been a country for 156 years, you’ve had 37 speakers in Parliament and it took you 156 years to pick a Black guy?  You know, it’s not like I invented Black guys in September …they’ve been around a while…sometimes…Canada pisses me off. “The world needs more Canada” they say…No!  The world needs more Canadians to be less racist – you want God’s word?  How about God’s three words?  I’m Fucking Pissed Off. 

 Mio: That’s uh actually four words.  

God:  Buddy taught me this – 

Mio:  Buddy?

 God: oh, that’s what we call Buddha.  Buddy…

 Mio:  I didn’t know Buddhas nickname was Buddy. 

 God:  Same thing in the US – how long did it take to get a Black Woman on the Supreme court – how long?  233 years, 233 years – do you know how many decisions the Supreme Court made in 233 years that had a huge effect on Black women before Ketanji Brown Jackson   took her rightful seat on the bench?    

 And you know what Mio?  When Judge Jackson was confirmed, Republican Senator Lindsay Graham of South Carolina did not have the decency, the common - parliamentary - democratic decency to go to the floor and vote.  Said he forgot his tie and could not be let into the senate chambers because he did not have a tie on.  He has been a senator for 20 years and forgot his tie?  Maybe we should get Lindsay a clip on, or a strap on! Lindsay I’m fine with you being closeted and Gay, cuz I love the homos, I made the homos, but I am not fine with you disrespecting your constituents by not having the decency to vote for the confirmation of the first black woman on the Supreme Court!  

 Mio: Breath it out. 

Mio, I’m sorry, this makes Sky Daddy mad, I’m just getting a little worked up about how all you people turned out!  I worked so hard to create people who are caring, compassionate, kind, respectful and look… look at all your wars, the dead children and dead innocent people, the lying and being horrible to each other, the greed –how much money do you people need?  You’ve already got more money than God and I should know!  I’m God.  I was at the ATM yesterday, it was  shocking. 

 Ok Mio, look I have to go… I’ve got another session for my new podcast, did I mention my new podcast?

 Mio: you have mentioned it a several times. Before you go god, just turning to 

 God. The Godpod – wherever you get your podcasts – do you want to hear the theme again?

 Mio: We can go out on your theme in just a minute. Um

God.  Hang on  second, technically, technically speaking we can’t go out on my theme because its not your show… my theme is my theme there’s a thing called copyright Mio. 

Mio:  It’s a copyright thing. Yes you’re right, forgive me. Ok roll God’s theme.

Mio: That’s a nice thing 

 God.  I’m glad you like it I’m very proud of it. 

 Mio:  I guess you’re getting ready for the holidays? 

God:  Mio, Mio, Mio, you putz, I’m God I’m not Santa.  There’s a big, big difference… Santa doesn’t have a podcast.

Announcer:  Thanks for listening to Yes We Canada. On the pod today, our guest host was Mio Adilman, Sound Design and Mix by Pi Salin-Cutler, Doug Wilde and Matt Zimbel wrote our theme which is performed by Manteca.  My name is Lisa Evans and I’m your announcer. Vocals on the Godpod theme by myself and Lyne Tremblay. This episode was written and performed with apologies to Mel Brooks.

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