Un Parliamentary Profanity

In the US there are seven words you can't say on television.  Well, in Canada there are 106 words you can't say in Parliament. 

No shit!

Nope, shit is one of them. 

Transcript

EPISODE 8 SEASON 2

YES WE CANADA

UN-PARLIAMENTARY PROFANITY

Canada Curious?  Bet you are!  This, is the Yes, We Canada podcast, The Progressives guide to getting the fuddle duddle out. 

On today’s pod, Un-Parliamentary Profanity…a fucking…really short history.

Hey, I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal.

Americans, what do you think about us?  I mean what’s your very first thought when I say Canadian?  You say?  I mean after you say, “who cares”….Well, usually you say:

“Sombitch y’all  so polite!” 

True that.  In fact, being polite is our nature, it’s our brand, it’s what we do.  But it’s also the law …there are 106 expressions that cannot be uttered in our houses of government.  

Lisa:  No, shit!

No… shit is one of them.

And while you’re at it,  if you’re sittin’ on a parliamentary bench,  don’t say scuzzball, sleaze, blatherskite, pompous ass, scurrilous bag of wind and of course the recently celebrated “fuckwad”.  But we’ll get to that latter.

As the late philosopher George Carlin said; in America there are 7 words you can’t say on television.

Well, in Canada, there are 106 words you can’t say in Parliament. 

Unlike your guy from Queens…

Canadian politicians rarely use profanity in their public addresses:

As a polite people, cussin’,  as y’all call it down there,  is not common in the public sphere up here. 

Like I said Y’all some polite, Sombitch

Pardon my French.  

Well, first of all it’s not French, cuz when the French swear in Canada, and this you will need to know for your Canadian immigration test, the Francophones use the language of the Catholic Church as their cussin’ emporium. The tabernacle becomes “tabarnac” – the innocent little Challis becomes “calis” and of course the host, you know that” little skin of Christ cracker” father gives you for a post service snack?   That’s called “Ostie”. 

Lyne: “Osti de tabarnak de sacrament, de câlice de ciboire de criss de marde!” 

How long do i have to be quiet so you can record this stupid pod cast? How long, tabarnak?

Ok, well, that didn’t go completely as planned.

The French don’t even consider “fuck” a curse and you see it regularly in newspaper headlines. Which is…. fucking amusing for an anglophone leftist.

I’m going to get back to actual House of Commons Parliamentary rules on profanity in a minute because (yawn) it is very fascinating (yawn) and quite imaginative and one reason is that in Canada the cussin’ has many colloquial conventions. 

Out east, in the Maritimes provinces, perhaps the most polite place in Canada, it wouldn’t’ be hard to hear the occasional, “(inhalation, affirmation) “yep, well, heavens to Murgatroyd, boys”. Which is like cussin without using no bad words, it’s … profanity lite. Heavens to Murgatroyd, if that is not the greatest sentence to clutch your pearls to, I don’t know what is.  

Of course, out in the Maritimes, no one’s clutchin’ pearls cuz they’re freakin’ workin’ too hard. 

And by the way Murgatroyd is a person, I think a woman person.

But here’s our favorite Maritime expression and I’m going to tell you it’s meaning before I tell you what it is…otherwise you’d have no hope in hell of understanding… it’s a term of both sympathy and negligent indifference. 

Say someone is having a problem and despite all your best intentions, nothing, but nothing, can be done to help… then you would say; “Let ‘er lie, where Jesus flung ‘er”. Translation?  “Let her lie, where Jesus flung ‘er”.

Let’s face it, politicians are only human, not that you’d know it when they yet again cut school lunch programs again or women’s health programs so they can spend more money on the military, while reducing corporation’s taxes, but mostly politicians are just like you and me – if you and me were arrogant, self-dealing liars.

So, when you immigrate to Canada and get your sorry ass elected to Parliament don’t even think… of calling one of the honourable members in Parliament, a liar, because nothing will get you thrown out of the building faster.  

American progressives, your rules pertaining to language in Congress are the same as ours in the House of Commons because your rules were adapted from the British Parliament by Tommy Jefferson back in the 1700’s. 

For instance, a Member may say that a statement by another Member is untrue; however, they may not say that a statement is a lie, which would be to cast an aspersion on their colleague’s moral conduct.”

You may speak untruths but you may not lie… Biden stole the election, the Mexicans will build the wall, Roe vs, Wade is settled law, yada yada yada…

The aggressive cacophony may not seem so, but Question Period in the Canadian House of Commons is pure political theatre.  When the house is sitting, the parties house leaders start planning their question period attacks and …defences at crow piss, oh, crow piss? That’s Canadian for “early in the morning”.  

 Offensive and defensive strategies are blocked with military precision. The politicians actually rehearse their planned exchanges – just like debate prep. It’s the psychodrama of the pols.   Now stop me if I’m gettin’ all political junkie on you,

But despite the rehearsal and the tactical strategy, sometimes, shucks, folks just get some riled up and… somepin nasty slips. 

February 16, 1971:  The Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau stood in the house of commons and …

Well, back in 1972 there wasn’t much to do in Canada so Fuddle Duddle created a huge stir. Songs were written about it.

Enough of that.

And then in the fine tradition of “like father, like son”. In May of this year when the House of Commons was yet again in an uproar over measures taken during the truckers bouncy castle revolution in Ottawa,  Trudeau the Jr., just like his dad 50 years earlier – told someone on the opposition benches to fuck off. And just like his dad, when questioned by the media Trudeau Jr. said;

But these tails of parliamentary profanity are linguistic child’s play compared to recent events that took place in a town in the beautiful lake country between Toronto and Montreal. Peterborough, is a small Ontario City with a population of 183,000 folks but it’s a sophisticated, leafy city…  there’s a university with the prerequisite battalion of quasi-intellectuals that are found on every campus. 

But off campus Peterborough also has a battalion of very enthusiastic QAnon “like” followers. I say “QAnon like”, because these folks follow a conspiracy theory character who goes by the name of “The Queen of Canada” and calls herself the Commander & Chief of Canada.  Her actual name is Romana Didulo her roots are a little hazy, but what we do know is she was born in the Philippines and immigrated to Canada about 30 years ago.  Come to Canada lead a cult! How’s that for an immigration cut line!

Romana operated a bunch of random businesses all of which have tanked. She lives in Victoria, BC but is currently travelling Canada in a camper speaking to her followers. And just like the online QAnon movement—her followers believe there is a secret war being fought against the elites who are all prone to pedophilia. 

Now, I know that’s a lot to take in when we are supposed to be talking seriously about fucking profanity in Parliament. But check this out.

Long and short of it is in August of this year the self-declared Queen of Canada’s cult followers staged a mission at the Peterborough Police station where 30 of them attempted to execute a citizen’s arrest of the entire police force, accusing the police of allowing vaccination. 

 “so we’re going to place you under arrest, it’s called participating in covid crimes , you ever heard of it?”  

The Queen of Canada told them to go to the police station, make the citizen’s arrest and the military would arrive to back them up. Instead of arresting the police, six of the protesters were taken into custody. And no, shockingly, the military did not arrive to back them up.

Following this skirmish, the mayor of Peterborough, a young, hip, woman by the name of Diane Therrien was asked to comment:  Mayor Therrien tweeted:

Following this skirmish, the mayor of Peterborough, a young, hip, woman by the name of Diane Therrien was asked to comment:  Mayor Therrien tweeted:

“People have been asking me to comment on the events of the past week in Peterborough I hate giving air time to these imbeciles so here’s my comment fuck off, you fuck wads.”

Fuck off, you fuckwads.   

Ostie, are you done with this podcast yet, tabernacle du calis  

Yep, here comes the theme out.  

Theme