Hang Mike Pence. Wait, what?

Progressives, I read books about Mike Pence so you don’t have to…  You’re welcome.

You see Mike was your vice president for four years.  You may not have noticed him, he was usually sitting ever slightly behind President Donald J. Trump’s right shoulder, staring beatifically off into the middle distance, his brow slightly furrowed, his expression one of deep admiration as his leader spoke, and told yet another lie to the American people.

Michael Richard Pence, former vice president of the United States, former governor of Indiana, former congressman from Indiana’s second district – Christian, conservative, Republican, newly minted American Hero. 

Then what happened?

Transcript

Yes We Canada Episode 5 Season 2

HANG MIKE PENCE, WAIT, WHAT?

Hey, I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal. Progressives, we are being treated to an unparalleled media event, the real time creation of a brand new American Hero. 

A genuine American Hero, the savoir of our democracy and in the timeless traditions of our beloved union, he’s an elderly white man.

Stay with me here progressives…I’m going to tell you his name… but only, only, if you promise not to shut the podcast off.

We’re good?  Cue the music.

Please welcome a man, who set aside his deep personal friendships and loyalties, a man who thought not of himself, or his job, a man who thought only, of his country.  A man, who, at three forty in the morning read some names off a piece of paper, out loud, in our nations’ capitol…because that was his job, ladies and gentleman, that man, is Mike Pence. 

Ok, cut the crap.

Progressives, I read books about Mike Pence so you don’t have to…  You’re welcome.

You see Mike was your vice president for four years.  You may not have noticed him, he was usually sitting ever slightly behind President Donald J. Trump’s right shoulder, staring beatifically off into the middle distance, his brow slightly furrowed, his expression one of deep admiration as his leader spoke, and told yet another lie to the American people.

Michael Richard Pence, former vice president of the United States, former governor of Indiana, former congressman from Indiana’s second district – Christian, conservative, Republican, newly minted American Hero. 

Progressives, upupupup…do not…think of moving on…this is all going to make sense in a minute.

Now we’re deep into season two here at Yes, We Canada and you know we don’t often discuss religion on the pod cast mostly because our host knows diddly squat about it.  But religion is a big part of the Mike Pence story. You see Pence is an evangelical Christian. He loves the book of Jeramiah particularly Jeramiah twenty-nine eleven when God said to Jeramiah:

God:  “For I, know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  But first, I’m going to humiliate you a few times, just for fun. 

Fly:  Holy crap it’s bright in here.   mmmmm…..I love shit.  This guy is full of shit.  Ahhhhhhh…..I’m stayin’ here. Breath in, breath out.

God: you will not be lectured by his fly either…pretty good huh?  I put the fly on his head for 2 minutes during the debate… 58 million people saw that debate –look,  I don’t have 58 million Twitter followers…Of course I’m a registered Democrat – you think I would vote for those Republican putzes – their God and guns, but Kamela may I say you looked pretty fly at the debate too…

Ok people, I know that right wing evangelists make you nervous.  So, we’re going to move on, particularly because this podcast is supposed to be about Canada and Indiana is not in Canada, yet.

But, a little spousal detour here first, cuz I cannot leave the Mike Pence file without discussing his Karen. Or, as you may know her, our former 2nd Lady. Karen Sue Pence. Or as Mike calls his wife, “mother”. You see, Mother was an art teacher, she’s a water colour artist, she’s a couple years older than our newly minted American Hero and she’s very religious and in fact she created the art program at Immanuel Christian School, a religious school in Springfield, Virginia that does not permit gay teachers or students.  ‘Mother’ supports the schools’ very unwoke, discriminatory enrollment and employment policy.   But the Pence’s justify religious intolerance like this: it’s the same as having a dietary restriction. You wouldn’t feed a Muslim pork if they came for diner would ya? 

Mmmmm…. it all looks so good, um, I’ll have the Cobb Salad with a side of lesbian. Oh, thank you so much!

 Don’t bring any of your homos to our Christian school”. She didn’t say it exactly like that but that’s the essence of the argument.  Cuz y’all know how Jesus hates “the gays”. 

Mother and Mike loved the Vice Presidential gig.  You get a fully staffed house in Washington, never have to fret too much about policy since most of the stuff you do is ceremonial, feel good American shit. 

Of course, there would be the odd Trump “bat shit” flare up that required some mental and moral gymnastics… like when candidate Trump said, well, why not let the man speak in his own words:

“ Grab ‘em by the pussy”.

MZ:  Oh my God boys, Heavens to Murgatroid, Mother had a tough time reckoning that. But, hey, wouldn’t we all, right?  Right?

And, of course, “mother” must have been a little peeved with President Trump when he tried to have her husband lynched on January 6th, but hey, it’s all in a day’s work for the politically ambitious. 

Now, one of the reasons we’re still talking about Mike, your hero in waiting, on our podcast, Yes We Canada is that Mike is stealing our brand.  You see when you read the book about Pence, oh right, you don’t read the book about Pence you make me do that crap work, thanks fuckers. Anyway, when you study his Mikeness, you quickly learn that he has never done much, other than chase status and look for the upgrade.  His legislative achievements have been either very thin or cruelly homophobic. 

You might remember the Indiana gay couple who ordered a custom cake for their wedding. But Randy and Trish McGrath the husband and wife team of bakers didn’t think that Jesus condoned gay men eating wedding cake after taking their vows, so they used their God given American right to refuse to bake. 

Yep, Mike was on board with the un-bakers. Until it started to cost Indiana money because companies were pulling out of the Homophobic state, I mean Hoosier state.  Hey, there, can I get a pronunciation check from the control room on hossier? Yeah? What? Oh, we don’t have a control room - oh ok – 

A hoosier is a resident of Indiana and they have been called such since the 1800’s. In fact, Pence’s code name from the Secret Service is scum sucking sycophant, I mean Hossier. 

The origins of the word are not agreed upon, some say it was the name given to the boatman who brought corn down the Mississippi river from the north to the south, others say it originated by those taking the census, as they knocked on doors and asked “Who’s here”.  But residents loved the word and it came to indicate a kind of midwestern hospitality and kindness – a niceness – if you will. Everyone, even his arch enemies say, that Mike is “nice”, midwestern Hoosier nice…but hang on a second, that’s our lane, nice is the Canadian brand – that’s what we do.

In fact, here’s a clip of a Canadians being polite. Ripped right off of YouTube.

Well, that’s the quiet but ever so polite variety of Canadian racism.  Have a nice day, sir. 

Back in the 1800 ‘s when John Quincy Adams was in charge of HR in America, the actual job description for the vice presidency basically required only three things.   1. The vp is the president of the senate – so if there’s a tie vote in the senate it’s the VP’s job to break the tie.  Two, the vp is a heartbeat away from the presidency and is expected to become the president should anything happen to the president. Seven times in history presidents have croaked in office, giving the VP the big oval upgrade.

“My fellow Americans …. what the …..  

And third, a vice president is supposed to, um, wait, hang on, I got this…is supposed to – well, there is no third thing. 

John Nance Garner who served two terms as VP under Franklin D. Roosevelt told Lyndon Banes Johnson when LBJ was considering the offer to become John Kennedy’s VP that the 

 " Vice Presidency is not worth a pail of warm piss."

But just like the hobbies of a pensioner, it’s one of those executive branch jobs you can kind of make your own. 

Clinton’s VP Al Gore focused on Technology, government efficiency and the environment. Bush the 1st’s vice president, Dan Quayle focused on spelling and Bush the 2nd’s VP, Dick Cheney dedicated his time to becoming an unindicted international war criminal.

Your current VP, Kamela Harris went to high school in Montreal, so we consider her one of our own.  She’s on brand Canadian, nice. But she wasn’t so nice to Joey Biden during the debates:

But some how she managed to get the VP gig. The question is; what is she doing with this gig…she does keep a very low profile.  But occasionally Joe gets mixed up, as he is prone to do and has publicly called her President Harris by mistake

Once Joe had to go under anesthesia – cuz he was having a colonoscopy.  Apparently, he was out for 20 minutes during which time Kamela Harris made history.  She ran the United States for 20 minutes:

A woman president?  What she all get done. Did she fix the opiates crisis, did she reduce my taxes, did she strengthen the 2nd amendment,  she had 20 minutes …what all she get done? Hold my beer.

There’s a very dated and misogynistic observation in American civics studies that says –  every senator  shaves in the morning and sees the next president of the United States in the mirror.  

And then he puts the warm piss in a pail.

Oh my god what you guys are willing to endure to get through this podcast.

Are we done yet?

Thank you

But god damn, you’re an American progressive – you know all this already – why am I wasting your precious time – when you’re trying to bust a move to Canada before Trump gets re-re-elected in 2024. You need to know about our vice and have I got a story for you.

Mike Pence might call his wife “mother” but our VP really is a mother - a bad ass mother– shut your mouth. You need to know we don’t have a president, so we can’t have a vice. We have a Prime Minister which we have reviewed in the past.  So, our bad ass mother, is the Deputy Prime Minister. She is of Ukrainian Canadian decent, born in Alberta, she is a member of parliament for a riding in Toronto, she is the first ever female minister of Finance and the Deputy Prime Minister. Two huge portfolio’s…She is also a working bad ass mother of three.  

Yeah, that’s all nice, but what’s she do in her spare time?

What spare time?

Here’s why we call her a bad ass – our Vice used to be a journalist and spent some time in Moscow where she wrote some investigative pieces on Russia’s little Crimean expansionist adventure. She had a hate on for Putin long before Putin hate ons were all the rage. Then things go from Vlad to worse when Putin personally sanctions her ass. The sanction instantly gives Freeland the same kind of gangster street cred that a felon gets when he survives a hail of bullets. I’m abridging the timeline a little here but fast forward to cabinet selection and Trudeau appoints the sanctioned Chrystia Freeland as Minister of Global Affairs which is like your Secretary of State without the airplane and the motorcade. Appointing a person sanctioned in Russia to head up Canada’s international relations is the diplomatic equivalent of Trudeau flipping Putin the bird.  

She also wrote an important book called Plutocrats: The Rise of the New Global Super Rich and the Fall of Everyone Else (2012). Which the conservative National Post newspaper called the book that 100% of the 99% must read. When Trudeau later announced her appointment as Minister of Finance, my jaw dropped, but more importantly hordes of men on Bay Street soiled themselves. Insert sound effect of men soiling themselves here…nope, we’re going to stay classy and save money on sound design. Oh, right, I almost forgot to tell you, Bay Street is our Wall Street but without the money. Yep – so Freeland gets the big chair at Finance and Trudeau out NDP’s the NDP – oh yeah, the NDP is our democratic socialist party. 

Never met Ms. Freeland, she’s not a friend, but if you ask me who I want running the macro economics department of Canada, why it’s the scribe who wrote Plutocrats: The Rise of the New Global Super Rich and the Fall of Everyone Else.  …she was also the lead negotiator for Canada in the Free Trade talks with Individual Number One – or as we call him MOTUS, Moron of the United States, your thrice bankrupted author from Queens of the Art of the Steal.  

So yes, I am a fan boy.  In fact, Freeland will one day be the Prime Minister of Canada. You heard it here first. 

If you think the Vice Presidency is not worth a pail of warm piss, let me assure you the 

the deputy prime Ministership of Canada doesn’t even get you the pail… there’s no house, there’s no domestic staff, there’s no Airforce 2, there’s no motorcade. 

We always hope this podcast informs, entertains and hopefully gives you some fresh ideals to live by. 

So, this week we’re going to circle back to our freshly minted American hero Mike Pence and leave you with what is now known as the Mike Pence Rule. Let’s just say, for arguments sake, that Mike needed to have a working dinner with his Canadian counterpart, Canada’s Deputy PM –who happens to be a woman. Nope, not gonna happen – because Christian Evangelical teachings dictate…”thou shall not dine alone with a woman who is not your wife”.  

God Bless Mike Pence. 

God:  Woh woh woh – hold on a sec, I’ll be doing the God blessings around here,

ya putz.