HOW TO SEX A CANADIAN

This episode is about sex. Well, sex and love.  Because in Canada if you'renot in love, you don’t have sex. … We are a polite people.  I mean we don’t have casual sex in Canada, sex here is formal.  We fall in love, then we make love, that’s the way it rolls up here.

We also sometimes tell the truth in podcasts.  Sometimes.

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Yes We Canada Episode Sixteen   

HOW TO SEX A CANADIAN

© 2021 Matt Zimbel 

Announcer: Canada Curious?  This is the Yes We Canada Podcast, The Progressive’s Guide to getting the Fuck Out.   This episode…How to Sex a Canadian

Hi, I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal.

This episode is about sex. Well, sex and love.  Because in Canada if your

‘not in love, you don’t have sex. … We are a polite people.  I mean we don’t have casual sex in Canada, sex here is formal.  We fall in love, then we make love, that’s the way it rolls up here.

We also sometimes tell the truth in podcasts.  Sometimes.

Because this show is about sex you’re going to obviously want to know - how do I use this podcast, do I get the kids out of the room, is there stuff my spouse shouldn’t hear… should I be using a private window on my browser?  

I want to assure you that the show is fine, safe, there is nothing graphic or pornographic in it. 

We are in Canada… we are polite. 

One of our national treasures in Canada is a singer songwriter named Nancy White. Nancy is a political and social satirist who has put contemporary Canadian life to song. In her early career, she called herself the “Civil Service Songwriter”. For 18 years, every week, Nancy would write a news-worthy topical, song for the CBC national radio show “Sunday Morning”. Being Canadian, Nancy is humble and might be prone to call these songs “ditties”, but they really were wonderfully crafted songs, smart, biting, funny and well played. They were written on a Wed., recorded on a Friday and aired on a Sunday…a song cycle of the news cycle. 

A favorite subject for Nancy was the Canadian people’s international reputation for politeness. This is how she describes a typical Canadian seduction:

             “Would you like to have sex?”

             “Oh, only if you’re having some yourself”.

When you get here you will soon realize that you are considered “exotic”. I said exotic, not erotic…stay with me here.  As a red blooded American, you are brash, bold, a “know what you want” kind of person… “We take these truths to be self-evident”, bam!  I mean who says shit like that?  Only supremely confident people.  You are one of them.  Bravo. 

When you get to Canada and start courting, you’ll find Canadians to be less brash, but perhaps more mysterious. Canadians are known to be very obedient citizens much less rebellious than y’all…which is perhaps why supposedly the most popular porn in Canada features people smoking while having sex.

“Herb, will you look at that, they’re smoking!  Indoors!  Well, I never!  

Canadians have unique sexual capabilities. Ah, now you’re intrigued, aren’t you?  

Eight percent of Canadians claim to have had sex in a canoe. I mean think about that for a second – that is some highly skilled sex.  It should be an Olympic category, maybe only for polar countries. Imagine the play by play: 

“He’s feathering and she’s coming, in second, ouch this must hurt, he lost by one tenth of a second!”

Montreal has always had the national reputation for sex, sin and generally decadent behaviour. During prohibition in the United States, Montreal became America’s go to sin city. There were, some bad boy Montreal Jews by the name of the Bronfman’s, you may be familiar with their former little spirits company, Seagram. 

They got their start bootlegging liquor into the US, by sending it to Newfoundland to be pickup by the Mexican cartels…just kidding about the cartels, they had not yet been invented.  But they did send it to Newfoundland to be picked up and brought to Boston.

And I don’t think we can do an episode about sex in Canada without mentioning that in Newfoundland – and for your citizenship test, Newfoundland is the last province to join the Canadian confederation in 1949, there is a Newfoundland town called Dildo. 

The Late Show host Jimmy Kimmel recently decided to run for mayor of Dildo.

“I know I’m not Canadian, but if we can have a dildo running America, why can’t we have an American running Dildo.  “I will get things Dildone, if it’s the last thing I Dildo” 

Clearly a vacuous American publicity stunt and you know, he could win and probably would do a good job until he lost interest and decided to run for mayor of another Newfoundland town, 29 miles (46 kilometres) down the road called Come by Chance.

“When I was Mayor of Dildo the people would never come by chance!”

Ok, we’re done with cheap shots on Newfie town names, we’re heading back to Montreal sin city. 

Now, that you go to Las Vegas for your sins, Montreal is much better behaved, but it is the porn capitol of the world. The Montreal company that owns the largest pornography website aggregator in the world is Porn Hub.  Its corporate headquarters is very discreet, housed in an industrial park building, off a major highway.  Normally the tenant would be an ad agency, or a fashion house head office. Porn Hub will tell you they’re not really a “porn” company as such, they are more of a “tech developer” – which is like saying, “I readPlayboy for the articles… of clothing the women were missing”. 

Now, every country has their cultural sexual icons and Canada is no different. We had two… we now have one. Singer, songwriter, poet, Leonard Cohen, also known as the “Godfather of Gloom”, became the object of desire for women all over the world with his thoughtful and troubled romantic point of view.

Leonard Cohen: “There was a review of the concert in Melody Maker they said, Leonard Cohen is a boring old drone and should go the fuck back to Canada where he belongs.” Nothing since has quite reached the heights of that savagery. In some parts of the world they consider me an accomplished stylist”. 

 As I mentioned earlier, I worked with Leonard in the 90’s and the spell he cast on women was gentlemanly, even courtly, but powerful. My band mates would shake their heads in awe at the way women would swoon in Leonard’s presence, with nary a glance at any of us.  As band leader, one of my jobs was to keep everyone motivated.  So, I told the band, “guys, consider yourselves lucky, imagine the expectations! Lotta pressure”. 

Our other sexual icon is the model, actor, vegan, activist and husband collector (four so far) Pamela Anderson. Hailing from British Columbia she got her start when she was in the audience at a Canadian Football League game.  

The Jumbotron director spotted her in the crowd, thought she was cute and put an image of her up on the Jumbotron. 

You see, when you get to Canada… magic can happen. Pretty girl flashed – no flashed is the wrong word, viewed – yeah pretty girl viewed on a on jumbotron at CFL game, goes on to do more covers of Playboy magazine than anyone in history. For going to a CFL game.

You know it’s interesting, when you think about the difference between these two sex symbols. I think women come across as being a little more profound in their choice here  a poet,  a thinker and Pam Anderson.

There is something Dolly Partonesque about Pamela.  Bombshelling is a verb and a career. Ms. Anderson has been an activist in many issues including animal rights and efforts to free Australian activist Julian Assange. We like our Canadian sex symbols hot and activist. When you get to Canada, if you meet her, which is highly likely since we all know each other up here, I’d maybe not talk too much about your newfound knowledge of smoked meat. 

As a more progressive society than the United States, Canada reluctantly led on same sex marriage.  Shockingly prim and proper Ontario was ahead of libidinous Quebec on this front (it usually is the other way around, but Quebec has strong and enduring ties to the Roman Catholic church, which shockingly has been kinda lukewarm on the subject of same sex marriage. 

In June of 2003, an Ontario Appeal court recognized same sex marriage, instantly making Toronto the gay marriage capitol of North America much to the delight of local florists and caterers. With Ontario’s leadership, Canada did what it does best, and, uh, studied “Gay Union” for two years until July of 2005 when Parliament enacted the Civil Marriage Act.  Marriage is a federal issue in Canada so with this bill signed into law, Gay Marriage was legal, nationally, everywhere…except…remember our Texas?   The Province of Alberta (the 3 c’s, cattle, crude and conservatism?) 

Well, Alberta, pledged to prohibit Gay union. The sanctity of the union between a man and a woman is blah, blah blah. Until they caved and now you can get married anywhere in Canada no matter what the gender of your spouse.  And this could be important for you – Citizenship and Immigration Canada also acknowledges same sex marriages. So, come to Canada – bring a spouse! Any gender will do!

The one thing that was most interesting in the debate on same sex marriage was the position of our cute Republicans wannabes The Conservative Party.  This will not surprise you, but they opposed the Civil Marriage Act. 

I remember spending all night long with my colleague… 

Some members are lacking in maturity in this place….

This will surprise you… among Conservative ranks they had a number of very lighted closeted Senior Cabinet Ministers. 

You’ve heard that line that every American politician was born in a log cabin he built by himself? Right?  

Well in the U.S. your Gay Republicans created a group called the Log Cabin Republicans.  Why on earth would someone want to become a member of a group that detests them? So, I have always been suspicious of the Log Cabin Republicans and I’ve have always been suspicious about my suspicions. Was I inadvertently being heteronormative?    I asked my leftist gay cousin; “Am I being discriminatory by not trusting gay “social” conservatives like the Log Cabin Republicans? 

“Nah”, he said, “I wouldn’t trust any of those fuckers!”

Phew!

If you are a Log Cabin Republican, first of all, wow, welcome to the podcast episode 16,  how the hell did you get here? Secondly, as a conservative you’re not actually thinking of immigrating to progressive Canadastan are you?  Well, if you do, that’s great we need more people up here…you are most welcome and good news, you can join a group of fellow Conservatives also known as Tories that was started in 2015 called LGBTory. I should mention that the Trans folks were not amused that the T in LGBT  got coopted for Tory rather than Trans but other than that, there seems to be wide acceptance of LGBTory, up here. They march in the gay pride day parades even if their Conservative leaders refuse to join them. 

Which recalls a wonderful quote from a very famous New York Jew, Groucho Marx, who said: “I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. “ 

Log Cabins Republicans, look, you are welcome here, adding to our gay population is fine by me, I take a much dimmer view of you adding to our Conservative population.