Up here in Canada, we’re not worried that someone will shoot us in a fit of road rage if we give 'em the finger after they cut us off while driving. We’re polite, we don’t give people the finger. Road rage Canadian style is more …like this:
“go…after you, no, no I insist, please, really, I couldn’t, go! you fuckin’ asshole!
In fact, our whole system of measurement is different than yours. And you’re going to love this, because if you weigh 145 pounds in American, cross the border with your landed immigrant card and boom you will be a mere 65.77 kilograms in Canadian…I can feel that fat melting away and those abs just a poppin’!
You will have to learn our system of measurement – it’s called metrication and it can lead to blindness and hair growing on your palms.
Up here in Canada, we’re not worried that someone will shoot us in a fit of road rage if we give 'em the finger after they cut us off while driving. We’re polite, we don’t give people the finger. Road rage Canadian style is more …like this:
“go…after you, no, no I insist, please, really, I couldn’t, go! you fuckin’ asshole!
In fact, our whole system of measurement is different than yours. And you’re going to love this, because if you weigh 145 pounds in American, cross the border with your landed immigrant card and boom you will be a mere 65.77 kilograms in Canadian…I can feel that fat melting away and those abs just a poppin’!
You will have to learn our system of measurement – it’s called metrication and it can lead to blindness and hair growing on your palms.
PODCAST 15
DRIVING IN CANADA, NOTWITHSTANDING
BY MATT ZIMBEL ©2021
Announce: Canada curious? This is the Yes We Canada podcast, the Progressive's Guide to Getting the Fuck Out. On this episode: Driving in Canada…Nothwithstanding.
Hi, I’m Matt Zimbel
Up here in Canada, we’re not worried that someone will shoot us in a fit of road rage if we give them the finger after they cut us off while driving. We’re polite, we don’t give people the finger. Road rage Canadian style is more …like this:
“go…after you, no, no I insist, please, really, I couldn’t, go! you fuckin’ asshole!
Generally, the maximum speed limit is 100 kilometres an hour, which must sound pretty fast to you but its only 60 miles an hour, American. We all drive 20 kms above the speed limit and the cops appear to be fine with that.
In the U.S. your speed limits have been rising lately and you do know this about us, we will not be out done by you …so now you can find roads in Nova Scotia and Alberta that are 110 kms a hour and some in British Columbia that are 120 km per hour.
Oh, I’m sorry, my god you have been so patient! You’ve not asked what a kilometer is! A kilometre, same word different pronunciation, a kilometer is the same as a mile but in Canadian. Oh, yeah and it’s shorter.
One mile equals 1.609 kilometres. Kilometres are also known as “k’s”, “clicks” or “kms”.
In fact, our whole system of measurement is different than yours. And you’re going to love this, because if you weigh 145 pounds in American, cross the border with your landed immigrant card and boom you will be a mere 65.77 kilograms in Canadian…I can feel that fat melting away and those abs just a poppin’!
We use “Celsius”, you use “Fahrenheit”. Trust me this will be on your Citizenship test.
She was driving at 100 Celsius an hour.
[] True
[] False
If you picked true, Ma’am I’m going to need to see your driver’s license, registration and landed immigrant status card.
Photo radar is outlawed in most Canadian provinces with the exception of British Columbia, Alberta, and Saskatchewan. But if you use apps like Goggle’s Waze, they will tell you where the speed traps are and technically you are not using a radar detection device, you are using a communications tool, which would be protected by your first amendment rights to free speech. If you had first amendment rights in Canada, which you don’t.
The hell I’d don’t. I’m American, I have 1st amendment rights, where ever the fuck I am.
Um, nope…sorry!
Ok we’re gonna pull over to the side of the road here and have a little heart to heart about your Canadian rights and freedoms. In Canada, our rights to freedom of expression are limited. The document that deals with this is called the
“Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms” …. adopted in 1982, when the Queen came to Canada
“My husband and I…. where’s the pen? My husband and I are so glad to be in the colonies….”
Liz signed the Canadian Constitution in Ottawa which gave us the ability to control our
own laws without having to go to London, stay in some really expensive shitty cold water boarding house, “cup of tea, love?” and get royal accent to our laws– yeah, yeah, I know you guys did this in 1776.
In our Charter there is what’s a called a “limitations clause” meaning that you have a “right”
With… a “limitation”
For example… you have the right to free speech with the limitation that you not use your free speech to generate hate speech.
“Yer gonna have ta define hate speech”. Ok, well let’s see, until January 20th of this year hate speech was also known as “Presidential Tweets”.
In your bill of rights, your rights are “absolute”.
In our charter of rights, our rights are “you know, kinda, sorta, like, you know.”
And I know, that as an American, when you feel your rights are being violated you get all uppity, so to prepare for your arrival – let’s do a little practice exercise in Canadian.
“Good day officer how can I help you?”
“Out of the car…hands on the roof”.
“You can’t do that to me, I know my rights”.
“Out of the car, you cannot text and drive”.
“What are you talking about, nowhere in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms does the word text appear… My right to free communication is covered by the Charter - Section 2”.
“True, but in your text, you called your friend Cory a fag, that’s hate speech, you’re under arrest.”
“You didn’t read me my rights!”
“That only happens in Canada on bad cop shows from the US, get in the car.”
It’s all very complicated involving civil law, common law, lawyers, judges, I got my grade nine… I can get you through this.
In Canada. our supreme court often hearscases that are referred to as “Charter Challenges”. The government of the day would table a new law and our top court would give it a quick read through and say; perhaps not exactly in these words, ”the fuck you thinkin’ … you can’t legislate that, that’s shits not legal!”…
During the nine year autocratic reign of the Conservative Party’s Stephen Harper these charter challenges were particularly entertaining on a cold winter’s night, when the judges would emerge from their chambers and tell our government with astute regularity, ”nah, that’s not law”.
“Don’t think so!”
Not even close to the Charter!
Which was even more of an embarrassment for the Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper because he had personally appointed five of the nine judges.
Yep, just like you, we got nine Supremes. Yours get paid $255,300.00 a year and ours get like way more, $322,000 .00 but they do get paid in Canadian dollars and they have to retire at seventy-five…. whereas your Supremes are free to die on the bench if they so choose.
In addition to the salary, they also get a clothing allowance, and you should see their kit… You know, by nature, when it comes to fashion, Canadians are a much more muted, more restrained than Americans…much less ostentatious …but perhaps not when it comes to Supreme Court Wear for all occasions. Your Supremes wear long black judge’s robes. Been there done that got the robe, ours wear large bright red robes trimmed with white furry shit. Just so you can picture this… let’s just say, that if Ted Cruz becomes your president in 2024 and decides to close the Supreme Court, without doing a wardrobe change, your Supremes could all get jobs as Catholic priests, ours could only get seasonal work at the mall as Santa’s.
Hang on a sec, I was trying to teach you how-to drive-in Canada. How did we end up on the side of the road in front of the Supreme Court? But now that we’re here, I really need to sneak this important but perhaps tedious part of our Charter of Rights and Freedoms into the podcast. And guys, I know, this is boring shit…but once again: pass your Canadian Citizenship test - free health care for life!
For 14 episodes now I’ve been telling you that our Provinces have more power and autonomy than your states. One of the founding principles of the federal and provincial power sharing agreement in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms is this little Canadian solution to conflicts called the “Notwithstanding Clause”. I know, as an American you don’t have a lot of time – so here’s the Coles notes. If the Federal Government makes a law that a Provincial government does not like, then the provincial government can opt out of it. Bingo! So simple.
To fully explain, permit me to use an American example. Let’s say New Jersey didn’t want to allow its citizens to own firearms anymore. They could use the Not With Standing Clause to opt out of the second amendment of the American constitution. Of course, in New Jersey it would not be called the Notwithstanding Clause – it would be called the Fuggetaboutit Clause.
The Notwithstanding law is Canadian compromise at its absolute best: The law of the land is proclaimed, and meh, if you don’t like it -that’s cool, you don’t have to use it. Essentially that is the notwithstanding clause. In 2019 the right leaning government of Quebec legislated Bill 22 which prohibits public servants like teachers, cops, judges, lawyers etc. from showing signs of their religious faith while at work. Mostly they didn’t want employees of the government wearing Hijabs and face coverings...oh man, that is so funny now…imagine a government that doesn’t want its people to wear face coverings. Maybe the pandemic is Quebec’s fault! God said:
What? You don’t want to give your employees the freedom to wear face coverings at work? I’ll give you face coverings!
So basically, those who oppose bill 22 as being unconstitutional interference with religious rights, will eventually challenge the law at the Supreme Court of Canada. If the Federal Supreme Court says Bill 22 is not legal according to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms then Government of Quebec will invoke the Notwithstanding Clause and no more face coverings at work, cough, cough…
Oh, man, all you wanted from this podcast was a little joy ride and some light facts and funnies on driving in Canada and I have you articling in Canadian Constitutional law at the Supreme court – Your hatred of this podcast is understandable, justifiable and, notwithstanding we’re movin’ on – back to driving.
You will have to learn our system of measurement – it’s called metrication and I’m told it can lead to blindness and hair growing on your palms. It’s different than your system of measurement.
I was in Wyoming once trying to find a lake where a friend of mine had a cottage. I asked a local –
“Hey buddy, how long does it take to get to the lake?”
“Hmmm, the lake? Damn, I’d say that’s about four beer”.
“Thanks, eh!”
Now, here again, as we reviewed earlier, our speed limits are calculated not in miles but in kilometers. But now we not only have to teach you kilometers, but also how to drink and drive responsibly like they do in Wyoming. A Miller Highlife is 4.6 alcohol by “volume” - not very loud - a Molson’s Canadian 5%... much louder!
Your beer is weaker than ours. Go a four beer distance in America, you’re still stone cold sober, go a four beer distance in Canada, you’re sitting on your sun roof driving your car with your feet without pants on… 5% alcohol by volume, times four divided by
100 kms per hour, at 31 degrees Celsius…equals?
Oh, hang on I know this…um, ohhhh - Canadian citizenship requires proficiency in English or French, but you will also need to pack your college math.
Fuck it, just don’t drink and drive, period.
There are a few more things about driving you do need to know. We are a modern, G20, progressive country, but for some reason, we still have cops on horses. I was once stopped while driving a car by a cop on a horse in downtown Toronto,
North America’s fourth largest city! I can’t even recall how he signaled that I must pull my car over, I only remember rolling down my window, seeing a gigantic horse leg, thinking, wow, smells like I’m back on the farm. And then I stuck my head out of the window and looked way up to make eye contact with Sargent Renfrew:
Trying to keep things light I said “Yeah, give me the daily double across the board, Copper by a nose.”
Sargent Renfrew was not amused. And you can always tell when they are not amused, they drop into their monotone chant that they learned at the police academy.
“License, registration, insurance.”
“Never been stopped by a horse before”.
The horse turned his head towards me and gave me a dirty look. Oh, I see where this is going…bad cop, bad horse.
Ok everyone, let’s lighten up here, don’t forget, I’m in a car, I have 302 horsepower engine under the hood, I’m staying on the side of the road as a fucking courtesy to you both.
Cop leans down from the saddle returns my papers and says, “your front license plate is missing, I’m going to write you a ticket”.
“Officer, car is registered in Quebec, Quebec doesn’t require a front plate."
Cop looks pissed. Horse looks embarrassed. Horse looks at the cop with a long face that I think says, “oh, you’re a bright one, aren’t ya? Go on, kick me in the ribs a few more times Einstein!”.
One more thing – if you do get busted in Canada for driving without your front license plate – do not plead the 5th in court.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, you do have fifth amendment rights in Canada and this is what the fifth says up here:
There shall be a sitting of Parliament and of each legislature at least once every twelve months.
The fifth up here - It’s an amendment to keep those lazy bastard politicians from skipping out on their work while we’re payin’ em.
Now get in the car.
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