2022 What a year! Fugetaboudit. Never too soon to review 2022! Arghhhhhhhhh. Come on! You can do it. We make it fun and it's the last episode of season two! We're gonna miss you guys!
TWENTY TWENTY-TWO FUGETABOUDIT!
Canada Curious? This …is the Yes, We Canada podcast. The progressives guide to getting the fuck out.
Lisa: This Episode? Twenty Twenty-Two, Fuhgeddaboudit.
Hey, I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal.
One Christmas, long before we knew the full extent of the Catholic Church’s residential school genocide, I went to Midnight Mass.
My in-laws, lapsed Catholics, were going for the cultural experience and I got in the car.
We went to a humble little country church, woody, old and creaky. It smelled of frankincense.
The organ played what could only be called religious bumpers and stings …
Not exactly, but close enough.
An elderly woman entered the pulpit, stage left. I was shocked. A woman priest? Jeez the
Catholics are getting pretty liberal out here in the country. Ah…Then I realized she was Father’s opening act. I guess she’s called the church deacon or some such thing.
“We have good news. We have good news.” She croaked.
Now, I’m thinking… this is fantastic …they must have reached their goal for the funding drive to fix the roof or change the bell or some such maintenance-oriented thing.
“We have good news…Jesus loves us.”
Well, tabarnac, guess I was wrong on that one.
Once father’s opening act was done – he makes his entrance. He’s rheumy… poor old guy has a terrible cold but can’t miss Mass on Xmas. I feel sorry for him.
And then Father Arsenault delivers the serum, no, that’s not it, the sermon.
He reads from the bible and he reads from the bible and he reads from the bible...something about a contractor, a virgin, a mangy kid and some shepherds, one of whom was kinda smart. I don’t know, I missed a lot because my mind wandered and wandered and wandered.
After an hour and a half or so, father wrapped ‘er up. And never said a word, not one word to his congregation about anything that might be currently happening in their lives, nothing on food banks, family discord, marital challenges, poverty, giving…not a word!
Dude, …your houses of worship are empty, they’re turning Cathedrals into condos… your market share is plunging and the only thing you talk to your people about happened 2000 odd years ago? Really?
Now, you guys know we’ve had some close encounters with God on the pod this season. And let me tell you he’s not wanting for opinions so it seems to me that
It seems to me that that father has an obligation to
Oh, shit, here we go. Hold on for a sec, guys, I gotta deal with this….
God: Matthew, Matthew, Matthew – good bible names boys, good bible names
God, we didn’t expect you on today’s pod– um, good to see you. We’re just in the middle of taping the last ep for the season – kind of a wrap up of 2022
God: Love the pod show Matthew, was in the hood, thought I’d drop by and say bless you, bless you and keep you…
Thank you, God – very kind of you.
God: Kind is my brand – look… can’t stay long… got a lot to do …George Santos needs to touch up his CV, Kevin McCarthy, is lying again about gun control …but before I get back to work, I just gotta say something about this church losing market share business you’ve been spouting off about.
Sir, my platform is your platform.
God: our Global market share is huge…We just finished a new campaign …got new cut line – check it out I did the voice over myself.
God: Christianity: now, with Extra Jesus”.
Pretty good huh? Snappy, I’m very excited about it. It’s going to be huge. So, Matthew, cut the crap about losing market share. There’s a bible in every Motel 6 room on the planet. When you can say that about your podcast, we can tawk.
Oh shit, he’s pissed. Chris? Chris… see if you can get him on the line, would you?
While the control room chases the big guy let’s move on to some more important stuff about where to live.
Americans! The Economist has listed the 10 most livable cities in North America and in order they are:
Ok, ok, Atlanta, not Canada. Atlanta, Georgia.
Four Canadian cities in the top five places to live in North America…Is this rating because the Economist is a commie pinko rag that supports our socialist dictator with the girlie boy socks, Justin Trudeau? Nah.
It’s because policies like publicly funded health care make health sense and economic sense -people don’t go bankrupt when they get sick. Publicly funded daycare makes economic sense and parenting sense - so parents don’t spend half of their income on childcare while they work and contribute to society and to the tax base.
Republicans are you listening?
Oh yeah and we’re not drillin’ for oil in our national parks. Just sayin’.
So, yes Canada is a good place to live.
With some exceptions of course that I’m not going to go into today… because it’s too fucking cold.
So now that we know where you’re moving…Americans… I got to talk to my Canadians, I’m going to get back to you in a minute, go make a sandwich or something cuz this is not going to be pretty and believe me…you don’t need to hear it… Go on- shooooo.
Canadians! what in the fuck is going on eh? What!!!!!????? is going on with this cop killing bullshit? Five cops have been killed in Canada in last year alone! Five!
In the past nine years five cops were killed in the line of duty in Canada and now in one year, no, not even one year, since September of 2022, we lost five…What the fuck? This is not Canadian.
And of course, the cops have been returning fire …more than 87 times Canadian cops have shot at their citizenry last year, killing 47 people, some of them innocent bystanders, some of them un-armed in the midst of a psychotic episode.
47 people killed by the police in Canada in 2022 – a 25% increase and do I need to mention that the largest percentage of those killed by the police were people of colour? No, I do not. Why? because you know that already. So, everybody… drop your guns!
Ok my Americans, you can come back now ….and I hope that was a big assed sandwich you made on your break…cuz I know y’all love your portions large! So large that your military has called obesity the largest barrier to recruitment of young people. Maybe, in retrospect, the Army’s former recruitment slogan “be all you can be” wasn’t so smart after all.
Ok my American wokies and wokettes, lets get back to work here…you’re feelin’ pretty good right? – democracy didn’t perish in your mid-terms. The Red tsunami became the red trickle.
All of Humpty Trumpties election denying candidates lost. You own the Senate …Hot damn! So…
“Move to Canada? Now why on earth would I do that? Don’t y’all have a truck parking problem up there? “
Nah, we fixed that.
Come on up …we have a king now!
But first, we need a moment to talk about our dearly departed Queen?
Our Queen Liz …on the throne for 70 years! Here at Yes, We Canada oh, man, we didn’t see this coming! I mean she was 96 but she was reigning, man, she was robust, hearty, pip pip yeah? Wow.
In the media, an obituary written prior to the death of the subject is called a “cold cut”.
Well, there were no cold cuts of Queen Liz at the Yes, We Canada news desk.
Blimey…no one saw this coming.
Our Monarch Liz installs the moron Liz, Truss as prime minister on a Wed. and croaks on a Friday? What’s that like ...Royal performance art or something?
(Queen) Prime Minister in waiting, may I call you Liz – one Liz to another…I have served my people for 70 years. With your fiscal blundering I expect you will serve your people for 70 hours, you’re a tit and I am outta here…
Queen: Oh, my.
The palace sprung into action. The death scene had been rehearsed for years, simulations had been run, inter-departmental protocols were well established.
We must summon the family!
The Prince of Wales is at Dumfries House in Air- shire,
Prince Charles is at Balmoral
The Duchess of Cornwall is at Birkhall
The Sussexes are at Frogmore Cottage
The Earl and Countess of Wessex are at Bagshot
Good lord …where’s Prince Andrew?
Queen: No one gives a fuck about where Prince Andrew is!
I’m under medical supervision, I’m not daft.
Ok… take two…
Prince Harry’s enroute by chopper
The Duchess of Sussex Meghan is indisposed recording her podcast
Ok, so that happened. Then Liz Truss and her Conservatives, delivered their fall economic statement, and utterly shit the bed with tax cuts for the rich and rectal pain for everyone else. Liz Truss was forced by her party to resign after only 1080 hours in power and then the conservatives elected their first ethnic Prime Minster ever, Rishi Sunak.
Really? An ethnic you say? Blimey! I didn’t know ethnics came in Conservative. Cheerio! Pip Pip!
Yes, and with the British economy in the crapper, it’s the winter of “heat or eat” in Great! Britton. Because that’s what you get with conservatives in every country… in fighting, incompetence and inbreeding…Brexit the conservative racist legacy that brought you Heat or Eat.
Should we talk about Liz Trusses obscene Priministerial Pension for her 45 days of service to the nation?
115,000 pounds a year for life for ruining the economy in 45 days. I’m pretty sure I could ruin your countries economy for 115, 000 pounds for life in 42 days
Never before in history has so much been owed to so many by so few.
My people come from the Republic of Latvia. And not all that long ago. So, my DNA knows a few things about armed Russians visiting my people’s country.
In February of 2022 little Vlad Peut Peut invaded Ukraine. “Not invasion …Special military operation. Not invasion. “
Vlad you got to work on your branding dude. Might I suggest:
Criminal Military Operation.
No? How about
Military Genocidal Operation.
The Russian Generals told Vlad it would take ten days to roll Ukraine:
Is valk in park! Tank up comrades….
Vlad, personal note here…do not fuck with a democratically elected comedian. Your life is going from Vlad to worse. You are a war criminal and please forgive my lack of protocol, scum bag, but calling the Jewish president of Ukraine a Nazi, is really a little rich.
Vlad, I know that putting the Soviet Union - The Russian Empire back together is high on your bucket list. I get it. You know what’s on my bucket list? – seeing you in a prisoner’s box at the World Court in the Hague.
Order, Order! Every year the editorial team at Yes, We Canada pick our quote of the year. In 2021 it came from the George Floyd trial where one witness of Floyd’s murder at the hands of Officer Derek Chavan said; ”We were so afraid for his life we called the cops on the cops!”.
This year, the quote of the year goes to the democratically elected comedian/ slash hero of the independent country Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelenskyy.
Early in the conflict, when the US thought Kyiv would fall to the Russian invasion, they tried to arrange Zelenskyy’s safe passage out of Ukraine so he could set up a government in exile; Zelenskyy is reported to have said to the Americans; “The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride.”
Ok message the Mullahs – real men, powerful men, spiritual men, recognize women as their partners, as their equals, as a powerful force for a healthy society. Cowards kill women for not correctly wearing their head scarfs. Coward’s close schools to women and fire them from their government jobs. Mullahfuckers, you will lose this fight…mark my words…it may take some time, but you will lose.
Ok enough International Geopolitics from your amateur Global Affairs Analyst - can we talk about your former president for a minute? Without you shutting the podcast off? Americans! Can we talk about your Real Estate maggot, ah, real estate mogul Donald J. Trump?
Think you had a bad year last year – nada compared to the Don. The Trump Organization was found guilty of all 17 charges of Tax Fraud in New York. Then all of Donald’s chosen election denying midterm candidates lost their elections, then the Jan 6 committee recommended that the justice department charge Trump criminally for the Jan 6 “normal tourist visit to the capitol” where five people died, in Trump’s artisanal insurrection. Then Trump’s CFO went to the slammer for 6 months.
Georgia is considering charging him with election tampering.
In December my boy Donnie’s tax returns were released by congress–which is completely normal for a president …except Trumps returns revealed a company with one business loss after another, and if it wasn’t daddy Fred Trumps wise 70’s real estate investments, The Trump Organization would have just had losses in recent years and paid no taxes at all. The grab ‘em by the pussy grifter also a loser, who’s also fighting charges of rape, election finance abuse and a host of other inditements so…when you wake up, on a grey, cold winter morning …
Yawn…well at least I’m not Donald Trump.
Americans! This is a lot to take in… you must be hungry – go make another sandwich …I gotta talk to my Canadians again for a minute. Go on! Get.
Good Day eh?
Ok people as we wrap up last year I’m concerned. In 2022 Canadian truckers held their bouncy castle revolution in Ottawa. Now, I speak fluent trucker and I had no fucking idea of what they were trying to achieve with their truck parking exercise gone wild. They wanted to meet with the governor general so she would dissolve the Liberal government so the truckers would not have to get vaccinated.
After three weeks of making life hell for people in the downtown core of Ottawa, after the chief of police was fired, and after it became clear that the none of the four police departments in the jurisdiction had any kind of plan whatsoever, the government invoked the never before used Emergencies Act, an act written in 1988, long before Al Gore invented the internet.
During this urban parking festival there were three notable things going on – the first was that the truckers were raising money like nobody’s business… over 10 million dollars …US!., more than 60% of which came from outside of Canada – most from y’all …the US. Cuz nobody is better at Hatriotism than y’all.
The other thing to note is that the cops tried to order the tow truck companies in to tow the trucks away but the tow truck companies, who get all their business from the truckers, said: “nah, we ‘re not really into it, eh?”.
Then it was confirmed that the truckers were getting police intelligence from…where else… the police. Against this backdrop of right-wing anarchy – with the odd Swastika thrown in just to destabilize the Jewish truckers, the conservative party of Canada appeared to support the movement
When the government invokes the Emergencies Act - kind of like your Marshall Law on a budget, they are obliged by the law to convene a commission of inquiry to validate if this act, on the far edges of democracy was in fact called for.
And that commission was some of the most revealing political theatre ever captured in Canadian political history.
My Canadian people were not feeling all that woke this year - they elected conservative governments in Ontario and Quebec. In Alberta a madwoman, Danielle Smith took over from provincial scum bag Jason Kenney. And right winger Pierre Polivre who became the new leader of the conservative party and leader of his majesties, loyal opposition kept chanting Just In flation for so long that the speaker of the House of Commons told him to shut the fuck up.
And in other news the Pope came to Canada to say to our Indigenous brothers and sisters, “sorry about the genocide, eh”.
Papa, next time you come to Canada – bring the wife! And bring the millions of dollars in restitution your organization promised, but never paid to the Indigenous peoples.
What a shit show.
Ok Americans you can come back now, because we’re going to wrap up the year-end wrap up like Hollywood likes it, with some feel good stories, something heroic, some feel good shit to send you into the new year full of piss and vinegar ready to go, optimistic, excited…
Uh, nope. Uh,uh, yeah, no. hmmm nah. Oh, this one, um no…never mind.
Shall we roll the credits?
Season Two of Yes We Canada was written and performed by Matt Zimbel. Sound Designer and mix engineer is Chris Leon. This season featured guest performances by Mio Adilman, Lyne Tremblay, Skye Irwin and Leah Thompson
My name is Lisa Evans and I’m your announcer
You probably recognized me, right? No? hmmm, how about this one:
This episode: Patriot Polussa, the rebellion that rocked the capitol.
Um, no doesn’t ring a bell – ok then – I got a ton of mail about this one I’m sure you heard it on season one?
Yeah, cool that’s me – Lisa Evans. I’m the announcer at Yes, We Canada. I love announcing. It’s fun. You get to say curse words with authority in front of a 7000 dollar Vintage German microphone.
Thanks for listening to Season Two of Yes, We Canada…
Cue the Theme… we’re outta here…