Wokies and Wokettes,
Huge booking on the show today...a feature interview with God. He's been listening to YouTube clips of Marjorie Taylor Green, Ted Cruz, Alex Jones and Lauren Bobert and they are bringing the wrath of God. In fact, I've never heard him this wrathy.
YES WE CANADA EPISODE SIX | SEASON TWO | IN GOD WE TRUST
LISA: Canada curious? Of course, you are! This, is the Yes We Canada Podcast, the progressives guide to getting the fuck out.
God: Watch your mouth young lady.
MZ: Hang on there, big fella, I didn’t introduce you yet.
Lisa: This episode, “In God, We Trust.”
MZ: Hey I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal and for this episode, we got a big get. On the podcast today… our guest, is God.
God: Hey, how ya doin’
MZ: Good thanks, you?
God: Busy, those Republicans in the States are keeping me very, very busy.
MZ: Look I really appreciate you being with us today. There’s been a lot of Republican chatter about the separation of church and state lately and the Supreme Court has been flinging judgements like Donald Trump flung rolls of paper towels at Puerto Ricans after hurricanes.
God: Amen. What a putz. I moved him back to Florida. Hope you’re happy.
MZ: What we thought we’d do today is play you a few clips of some of the controversies we’ve been covering on the podcast this season and you know, get your thoughts.
God: You mean, like God’s word.
MZ: yeah, cool, God’s word.
God: Ok, shoot.
MZ: Well, the first one up, this is congress woman Lauren Boebert from Colorado’s 3rd district.
God: Colorado, beautiful state, if I may say so myself. Now, Boebert, Boebert, Boebert, – is she the chick that owns that restaurant where all the waiters and waitresses wear guns?
MZ: Yeah, it’s called “Shooters Grill”
God: I bet the tips are spectacular – who needs a 15$ an hour minimum wage when you’re servin’ and packin’?
MZ: Check this out… I think this clip is going to be revelatory.
God: My first thought is – I made that? – sorry, that was very indiscrete…Look, If you need me to make a pronouncement, I need a little sound design, right? A little production value. I’m God, I don’t just drop the mic.
MZ: Right, of course, Chris, Chris can you hit the old fella with something biblical
God: I appreciate that and look I don’t mean to be judgemental…
MZ: Actually, I thought judgemental was your gig.
God. Not anymore, the Republicans have cornered that market– I don’t want to do what everybody else is doing. Anyway the thunder sound design, it’s cool, you know, but its, you know, a little expected, a little cliché … but I don’t want to fuss, for right now
MZ: we could dial in something else if you’d prefer…
God: No, no, it’s fine…don’t go to any trouble - ok now where were we?
MZ: Congresswoman Bobert said the church needs to direct the state.
God: Oh right, yeah, look I got enough to do, I’m already jammed, I don’t have time to direct the state. You know these American Exceptionalists seem to think, my only gig is the United States of America. My sales territory is the whole world and I don’t know whether you’ve noticed lately but between Ukraine, Sudan, Syria, pandemics, inflation, carbon, I’m jammed. So, congresswoman – tell you what, you do your job, I’ll do mine. Oh yeah and one last thing – when it comes to founding fathers, sweetheart I have seniority. Nuff said…Next question.
MZ: Have you been following the January 6th investigations on TV?
God: No, I cut the cable, too expensive. I don’t have TV any more I don’t even have terrestrial.
MZ: but you do know about the January 6th insurrection?
God: Yeah, yeah, St. Peter texted me…he needed a couple clarifications at the gates. Whatever.
MZ: I guess I want to know, from your perspective, was it an insurrection - Some folks don’t even agree on what it was… here’s a clip from a congressman from Louisiana Andrew Clyde.
God: Well look. I know tourists. I should, I made tourists. I also made terrorists. They both start with a T and end with an S, but you don’t do the New York Times crossword because you quit school in grade 9 ya putz.
MZ: how’d you know that?
God: I’m god, I know my shit, anyway terrorist and tourists are not the same at all. But let me tell ya those folks who went to the capitol on January 6, they were not lookin’ to buy snow domes with little miniature Nancy Pelosis in ‘em.
MZ: So, insurrection – word of God?
God. Two words of God: Fuck ya.
MZ: Ok I have a Mitch McConnell clip and I wanted to get your thoughts.
God: Wait, what, Mitch McConnell – he’s still down there?
MZ: Down where?
God: You know, down there, with y’all on earth– Jesus Christ, I thought we had dealt with that problem. Ok hang on, I gotta make a note.
MZ: Are you making a note?
God: yeah, these tablets are wrist killers…and they’re slow, ok Mitch McConnell… I’ll talk to my guy about him. Because that Mitch McConnell fella is a bearer of false witness. What else you got?
MZ: A bearer of false witness- what’s that?
God: He’s a fuckin’ liar. Don’t you ever read my commandments?
MZ: Been real busy. Ok, moving on.
God. Yeah so is McConnell…(laughs….)
MZ: Have you heard about this guy Alex Jones? Claims that Sandy Hook Massacre was staged by the deep state or George Soros, sells supplements…
God: Alex Jones that guy’s got more money than God.
MZ: I guess you would know. Ok, let’s listen to a clip.
MZ: God help us.
God: I’m trying.
God: At his trial after the judge awarded the Sandy Hook family 45 million bucks in damages, their lawyer said; “in America speech is free, lies cost money”. I love that line. In fact, I’m hiring that lawyer to help me write some new commandments especially made for Republicans. Truth is important. It is important. Speech is Free Lies cost money. Love that.
MZ I do have other questions but just a general question, you sound a lot like Bernie Sanders.
God: No, actually, I think the way that goes is Bernie Sanders sounds a lot like God.
MZ; Ok thank you for that clarification. The next clip we want to play you is from a guy who used to be a Canadian.
God. Love the Canadians. Some of my finest work. They always need a second opinion but lovely people, really lovely people. Some of their truckers could use a few tips about parking, but generally a really wonderful people.
MZ: Our next clip is on Ted Cruz.
God. Wait Ted was born in Canada, but I sent him to Texas when he was 2 years old – he wasn’t such a good fit for Canada. No humility, even when he was two! No humility, no Canadian, ok roll the clip.
MZ: Ok this is Ted Cruz talking about the tragic mass shooting in Uvalde Texas when 19 children and two adults were slaughtered in their classroom by a teenager with an AR15 assault weapon.
SFX Cruz Clip: Door problem, not a gun problem the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.
God: Oy gevalt. You want another pronouncement?
MZ: If you would.
God: Sound Design?
MZ: Got it, Chris?
God: I like that – much more contemporary, snazzy. But you gotta admit thunder is more old school biblical. Can I hear the thunder again?
God: Nice one Chris. It’s got that low 60hz rumble – almost soiled myself. Ok, pronouncement - all I’ll say to Ted Cruz is Ted, a door problem, really? I’d check that with the fire department.
You see, up here Ted is what we call “excremental” - the more he talks, the more shit comes out of his mouth. What a putz. Texas this is god speaking – please think before you vote!
MZ: Marjorie Taylor Green?
God: Not my finest work. Roll the clip whatever…
God. You’ve heard of the wrath of god? Well, this makes me really wrathy. I’m gonna say this once – you can be anti-abortion and pro-choice AT THE SAME TIME! it’s ok – anti abortion for yourself and pro-choice for everyone else – I give you permission.
Same with the gays – if you don’t support gay marriage –then don’t get gay married! But, who are you to get in between the love of two gay people? Unless of course, you know, you’re, how should I say, adventurous and you like that sort of thing, which is also ok with me- I made all kinds.
Just, you know, keep that adultery thing, that I talk about in the commandments in mind, please- it causes trouble. Unless of course you’re in an open relationship – in which case, mazel tov.
MZ: Sir, with respect lets stick to politics.
God: For God sakes, don’t interrupt me, you know I just made two more big, important pronouncements and there was not a spec of sound design or production value of any kind– my publicist told me this podcast was on the cutting edge and frankly I’m a little disappointed.
God: That’s much better, that thunder thing gets tiring after an eternity.
MZ: glad you liked it…Can I call you your holy father?
MZ: I just wasn’t sure if Holy Father was the pope, your son or you.
God: Go ahead, it’s all good, you can call me Holy Father, you can call me sir, you can call me
God, you can call me Dog,
God: Yeah, dog if you’re dyslectic, I love the dyslectics, I made the dyslectics you know.
MZ: Yeah, I got that.
God: Just don’t call me Our Patriot Father – I don’t like that so much. Too Republican.
MZ: ok my question was very specific, um, you seem to have a bit of a Jewish accent, you’ve been dropping a few oy gevalts, I think I heard a mazel tov, Chris did he drop a mazel tov?
MZ: Are you Jewish?
God. You know my son, right?
God: BUZZZZZZ! Good, you’re a bright one when it comes to scripture yeah, well he’s Jewish, so of course I’m his father, whaddya expect evangelical Christian?
MZ: Look we have to talk gun control – what do you think of the 2nd amendment. What do you think I the founders meant by a “well regulated” militia – nobody, but nobody down here seems to be on the same page.
God: Look, first of all I don’t have to think about what the founders meant– I knew the founders, they said their muskets would have to be well regulated- so clearly they believed in computer background checks, musket safety classes etc.
MZ; Yeah, but in the 14th amendment…
God: Look I gave you 10 commandments; how many commandments does the constitution have?
MZ: I’m not sure, let’s check.
God: It’s rhetorical question you putz, I’m God, I have the all the answers, but I do need to mention that my commandments… don’t have amendments. It’s not like “thou shalt not kill– unless your choice of weapon is an AR15”. We don’t do amendments. Word of God, that’s it, that’s all.
MZ: Gotcha…Look I have one last question and I hope you don’t find it too partisan.
MZ: any thoughts on the mid-terms, predictions, house counts, winners / losers
God: What do you mean “thoughts”, how about results? I know the results already.
God: Of course.
God: No, no, no, not playing that game –you know, it starts with election results, then it’s stock picking, playing the ponies, lotto numbers, so, no, we’re not going there. But I do have something you might like. Why don’t you bring me back later in the season and we’ll jam on some mid-term punditry, just for fun.
MZ Really? That would be awesome.
God: Great, I enjoyed this, speak to my people, it’s a date. Oh, yeah, don’t forget – I don’t work Sundays.
MZ: This episode of Yes, We Canada comes with apologies, massive respect and deep gratitude to Mel Brooks. Thanks for listening.