Episode One
Yes, We Canada
Season II – Pandemia Nervosa
This episode, Pandemia Nervosa
Americans! Hello, Bonjour, welcome to season two. I’m Matt Zimbel in Montreal.
Let’s get you up to date. When we last spoke, in May of 2021, Trump supporters were claiming that the January 6th insurrection at the Capitol was actually executed by the FBI in a joint venture with Black Lives Matter and Antifa who were false flagging the riot by masquerading in Trump merch. Wow a lot of BS to unpack there, no? And that’s not all…
A lot has happened in America since our last episode in Season 1… the Corona Virus raged, gun violence was out of control, Afghanistan was overrun by the Taliban who rebranded and now claimed they were “like kinda cool with chicks having equal rights, as long as they don’t like work outside the home, go to school or play sports”. And US president Joe… Manchin wasn’t getting anything done for the progressives.
Your Republicans have been hard at work desperately trying to fix a voter fraud problem that doesn’t exist and won’t go away. And gerrymandering and legislation that restricts voters rights has replaced rodent huntin’ as the new redneck pastime. It seems hard to believe if you live in the fact-based world, but Trump supporters are still claiming that all those white people who stormed the capitol were either Patriots engaging in “legitimate political discourse” or drug ravaged Antifi members.
So, yep, you’re still moving North…hello, bonjour, welcome to Canada. You’re going to trade your so-called democracy for a social democracy.
Keep on truckin’ eh?
Yeah, look, I know…after I had the arctic audacity to itemize your miserable lives, it would only be fair for you to say – “hey Canadastan, you bunch of smug, self-righteous, snow backs, how’s it all going up there anyway, eh?”
Oh, well, first of all, hey, thanks for asking! Usually, your exceptionalism prevents such touching displays of caring for others. But because I’m one of y’all, your self-interest …is my self-interest. I know you all know about our trucking parking problem in Ottawa, so we will get to that later in the season but let me bring you up to date on the north, particularly on our health.
So … we got the Covid up here. But as we’ve discussed on Yes, We Canada, the square footage of our country is a lot bigger than yours and we have far fewer people than you do… so we’ve been physically distancing since the 1800’s – um, no biggy.
Our government run, free! health care system up here, reported far fewer deaths per capita than your private, for profit, health care system down there. But because you are so fashion forward, you had much cooler looking PPE.
Our government sent us all money to stay home and every night at sundown we’d all go out to our porches and balconies and bang on pots and pans to show thanks to our essential workers.
Where I live, in Quebec, we had a lock-down with a side order of curfew… check this out patriots …we were forbidden, forbidden to leave our homes from 8:00 pm from to 5 am from January 9th 2021 to May 28th2021. 5 months!
Imagine this, you’re outside, in Montreal, where weed is legal, talking to a couple of cops about college football and when the clock strikes eight they freakin’ arrest you, not for smoking a joint, but for being outside.
To get some perspective, on how bad our covid was compared to yours…let’s rewind 11 months, before vaccine times. It’ the summer of 2020, the pandemic is raging and yet the social calendar at the Donald Trump White House proceeds undeterred.
It’s one glamorous super spreader event after another- the stench of Republicans on the White House lawn is almost overwhelming, air kisses galore and not a mask in sight…
Did y’all try the mock chicken – damn - an excellent dietary source of Covid 19. “Amy congratulations girl, you’all got your butt on a bench! You go, good for you honey.
And by mid-summer 2020, Donnie’s White House had more Covid cases than the entire Canadian province of Nova Scotia, population: one million people.
Just another gleaming example of the right… getting it right! You go Patriots!
Up here in Canadastan, we had no vaccines because we had no domestic capacity for manufacturing vaccines, because our big pharma is not as big as your big pharma – not that size matters, I’m told and told and told.
We tried to make a Canadian vaccine, organic and free range of course…but they didn’t really work that well. And then, as usual, we looked at what you guys did and… copied it, because… you guys are cool.
And then on April 3, 2020 the American Centre for Disease Control said, “hang on just a gol darn second, we take it back, masks are actually a good idea, sorry”. And so, three days later, on April 6, 2020, our chief public health officer said, ‘forget what I said about saving the masks for the health care workers, if you leave your house, wear a mask”.
Much better.
Then on January 20, 2021, your variant of concern departed the White House in disgrace and moved back to Mara Lago, your death rate improved, most likely because of the arrival of the vaccine and a brand-new virus called, The Marjorie Taylor Green and it’s very own variant The Lauren Bobert.
In January of 2022 the CDC reduced the Covid isolation period from ten days to five days – and we’re like “hmmmm, yep, that sounds about right, let’s do that, eh! Five days American?
Hot damn! that’s only like seven days Canadian.
Just like in the States, our racialized communities were hit harder by the pandemic, but we solved that problem the Canadian way, by not talking about it, publicly.
That said, there were lots of differences in our responses to the virus.
Our Top Doctor did not have to have 24-hour armed protection after receiving death threats from anti vaxxers.
And our Top Doctor didn’t receive a threat by the former special counsellor to the president of the United States – Steve Bannon, an accused and pardoned felon, who suggested on his podcast that your top doctor undergo a surgical procedure known as a headectomy aka decapitation by sword…
Positively Talibanesque, Steve.
I have condolences for you. You lost 5 of your conservative, covid denying right wing radio hosts, because Covid killed them…don’t mean to gloat, but we didn’t, only because we don’t have five pandemic denying right wing radio hosts in Canada.
But now that President Joe, Manchin has dashed all your hopes for a progressive rebirth and you’re looking at Canadian Real Estate listings and you’d be well within your rights, as one of our faithful podcast listeners, to ask a few questions about Canadian Covid …like…
Um, like, what will the ninth wave be like in Canada?
Probably a lot like the 8th wave with just a dash more sexual tension.
What’s the most dangerous place, in Canada to get Covid, like besides Alberta?
Alberta -that’s where we store our rednecks
Why does my mask have bad breath?
I’m not sure it’s your mask
Is it true that the Canadian strain of Covid contains the same mRNA molecular structure as herpes and head lice?
Asking for a friend?
In Canada do you have a Top Doctor?
Yes, we do, her name is Theresa Tam and she speaks with a slight British accent and therefore sounds smarter your Dr. Anthony Fauci who tawks wid a Brooklyn accent and sounds like Tony fuckin Soprano with a stethoscope.
Is your Top Doctor good?
She seems very competent, but let’s be frank here, I’m not sure I’m the best judge of epidemiologist’s specializing in air born disease …
And we have time for one last question…
Will y’all grant Dr. Fauci political asylum in Canada when Trump is re-elected in 2024?
Of course, we will, an American Doctor has never willingly moved to Canada before.
Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome… the top doctor!
Ok let’s get back to work here…Our border with y’all was shut down for 19 months. Imagine that America… for 19 months you were cut off from us!
But because we are a gracious people, we re-opened our shared border with y’all on the 9 of August 2021. Then you, self centered, exceptionalist little shits had the audacity to keep your border closed to Canadians until the 8th of November – two more months!
Stop acting like your country is like some exclusive disco in New York City. You’re not.
By November of 2021, the chance of catching Covid and dying in the United States was about 1 in a 1000. And according to the National Safety Council, the chance of dying in the US by gunfire …was much better …only 1 in 358.
So, this year I’m going on vacation in the States…got my three jabs, my mask and full body armour. Let’s do this thing….
Look it’s been a hundred years since the last pandemic. It’s been a hundred years since satirists like me have had such a juicy target and all I’m doing is complaining about it.
So that’s it…I am over it….no more about chatting about Covid molecular structures, mask mandates and rock star Epidemiologists Top Doctors. Over it….
That’s weird I can’t taste my coffee.
Thanks for listening…see you for Episode Two, Season Two in 30 days.